What a Cnut.

Never order a large of anything in Starbucks. I mistakenly asked for a large, flat, black and was presented with a mug of coffee large enough to bath a baby in. Not that you’d ever bath your baby in a scalding hot cup of coffee that is, you’re sensible enough to know better. Or I think you are. Who knows, there are some people out there who may take delight in doing so. The internet is awash with freaks, loons and maniacs and real life isn’t much different. The only difference between the insane in real life and the insane online is that the ones in real life are easier to spot. The drool on their shirt and the dried semen around their fly gives them away… Or so I’m told. I enjoy the company of people who have excitement as their co-driver in my life but even in my deepest, darkest days I have avoided the obviously stark raving insane. Through sheer self preservation if nothing else. ******* The sun has been shining today and the winter blues are being banished with spring stimulated s...

It was early today, around 1pm which is early for me, when I decided that I should go and give the front of the pub a wash down to get rid of the accumulated traffic grime. A bucket of soapy water and a brush were grabbed from the cleaning cupboard and off I went. Looking up I noticed that the windows could do with a wash so I went inside and got the keys for the gratings that cover the windows. As I'm not tall enough to reach the padlock I grabbed a chair from the bar, took it outside and plonked it down in front of the bucket of water, and proceeded to stand on it to enable me to reach the lock. Having unlocked the grating I swung it open and stepped backwards off of the chair. This is when my left foot landed squarely in the bucket of soapy water. And that was the reason I spent the day wearing a pair of Jenny's other half's jean shorts that were 3/4 length on me due to his being at least a foot taller than I am. ---------------- Now playing: Elbow - Station Approach

Would be an understatement never equaled since Noah's wife said it looked like there may be a light shower on the way. Six foot tall in her heels she wore a plain looking vertical striped top and jeans that looked to all intents and purposes like they had been painted onto her slim, lithe legs. Her top halted just below her waist line and her perfectly shaped backside peeked out like a denim covered peach. She was the kind of woman that all other women on the planet hate, purely for the reason that she could make a C&A top and a pair of cheap jeans look better than a Stella McCartney designed outfit that cost thousands. And she was looking directly at me. I took a quick look backwards to see if she was looking at some adonis behind me but there wasn't. I turned back and our eyes locked. She smiled a broad smile and her svelte shoulders rose for a split second as though she was attempting to stifle a small laugh. I did a double take and looked behind myself to be doubly sure...

Minding my own business... When a bloke with a clipboard stopped me and said "Can I ask you a question." "You just did." I replied. "I don't understand." He said. "You just asked me a question by asking if you could ask me a question." I stated. "Ahh, err..." He stammered. "You should have said; Can I ask you a couple of questions ." I said, reeling him in like a fish. "OK then. Can I ask you a couple of questions?" He said. "You just have." I said. "I don't get your meaning." He replied. "Well, you asked me if you could ask me a question and then you asked me if you could ask me a couple of questions. A couple is generally accepted to be two of something so by rights you've asked me a couple of questions. You should have said; Can I ask you a few questions." I said. "OK, can I ask you a few questions?" He said. "You just have." I replied, struggling not ...

Jesus H Christos, This place is doing my head in. More than usual. And that's quite an achievement when you consider how much I hate this place. In all honesty I would be more productive at home job hunting than I am here. If it's not the computers running so slow that they make a Sinclair ZX Spectrum look like Deep Blue it's the broadband not being able to handle the amount of people checking their Bebo, Facespace or Mybook sites. "Ho, Sandra, I've just messaged you on facespace! Gonnae check it and reply to me!" I shrug my shoulders and shake my head wondering why it is that Coco The Cunt thinks that the Internet should be used to send someone a message when she can easily write it on a piece of paper, make a paper airplane and whip it across the room with more ease. Perhaps it's because Coco the Cunt can't spell worth a fuck and the computer does a spell check... At the moment I'm sitting in the corridor typing away as all the chairs in the Posi...

Like a cheap whore on coupon day. So I ran away, again. Like a little girl who's had her pigtails pulled one too many times and gets the fuck out so Johnny Bully can't haul her head down and hang spit balls over her. Or something like that but with a male perspective. You know what I mean so stop picking holes. I sat for about an hour or so, basking in the reek of piss, checking for possible employers who may be looking for a highly intelligent, laid back worker to destroy their business quick style but for some strange reason I couldn't find any. The decision to flee came when I went outside for a cigarette. The rain was tonking down good style and a couple of hundred yards away was the warmth of my sister in laws barber shop. Fuck it, I thought, I'm off to get my hair cut. After killing a half hour or so while my sister in law cut my hair I pondered whether or not I should go back to the piss stinking hole or do one down to a coffee shop where I can surf the net witho...

I have once more decided to dip my toe in the waters of satire having got back into writing for thespoof.com where I shall be posting parody headlines and spoof stories as often as I can. As regular readers of this blog I expect you all to show your support for me by winging your way to here and having a read at my spoof stories .

But today I finally got my arse into gear and decided that it's about time I emptied all the guff from my computer and uploaded them to mediafire. Doing this will allow me to reinstall the operating system and hopefully speed up this dinosaur of a thing that I use. I'm not kidding when I say that if it was any slower it'd be considered retarded and could qualify for the computer version of the special Olympics. The only bad thing about doing this is that I'm still connecting using dial-up and it takes an age to upload anything. But, I'm nothing if not persistent and will get it done somehow.

I've decided to get back into writing my comedy book. Fuck knows if I'll ever finish it but I'm sure enjoying the process.

Love thine enemy. Right now it's hard to love my enemy as it has laid me low for the entire day. It's all Jenny's fault, honestly. I had nothing to do with it. I had intended on staying home last night where I had a very nice evening in front of the fire planned doing the things I love... Playing the Xbox, reading, writing, having a nice long soak in the bath, torturing kittens and wanking off. [1] But it would seem that the Grand Whazoo disagreed with my grand scheme and decided that Jenny was to throw a party and that I was to attend. So at about five o'clock I had a bath, a shave and made myself look handsome. I chose a very nice, but understated, ensemble of jeans, comedy T-Shirt, my new No Fear jacket my sister got me for Christmas and my trainers. About an hour and a half later I was headed for Kirknewton (twin town Brigadoon) in my mates car as he agreed to drop me off for a few quid in petrol money and enough for a deck of cigarettes. Arriving at the party I re...

I've done a list of places I'd like to visit over on 43places. Click here to see my places.

So today I whipped over to 43things and began listing goals I'd like to achieve . If any of you have any suggestions I'd be more than willing to listen, mostly because I'm struggling to think of forty three things I'd like to do. *Update* I've managed to find forty three things but please by all means suggest things if you want. Click here to see what my forty three things are.

I got up early this morning as the sun had me from my slumber at the devilishly early hour of 6am. By 6:30am I was washed, dressed and downstairs warming up the Vespa for a drive in Edinburgh and its surroundings. Nine and a half hours later I returned home and pulled my helmet off to discover that I've got sunburn. Not normal sunburn. Oh no. I've got what should be termed Biker-Burn or something similar to allow you all to picture the kind of sunburn you'd get if the only part of you exposed to the suns rays is the part of your face that is behind the visor of your helmet. There's a bright red oval stretching from the top of my eyebrows to the bottom of my nose and from one temple to the other. I look like some kind of albino Aztec Indian. All I need now is a bone through my nose, a hat that would make Carmen Miranda shit a brick and a CD wedged in my bottom lip and the look would be complete.

I get a hankering for something different to munch on. (My usual diet consists of enough fast food to give a rhinoceros a heart attack.) So tonight I hied up to the local ASDA (Walmart to my American readers) and went food shopping. I strolled through the deli aisle where my eye was caught by a rather scrummy looking mixed leaves salad with feta cheese and walnuts. That's the bugger for me I thought and deposited it in the basket. Into the bread/cake aisle I went where I got a Garlic and herb topped twisty loaf thing that you bake in the oven. Then I made the fatal mistake of walking through the frozen dessert aisle. Right in front of my eyes were six packs of cornetto ice creams on special offer. Two boxes for £3. (Quick question; If ASDA keeps rolling back prices as they claim in their ad's how come nothing is free?) Needless to say the healthy option went south quicker than a hooker during the Catholic seminaries visit to town, and the salad and garlicky bread were dumped in...

I wish I lived in a city that never sleeps. A city where sparks of life can be found at all times of the day or night. You know the kind of place I mean no doubt. A place like New York, Rio or Tokyo. But I don't. I live in Edinburgh. But that's not to say that you can't experience international cuisine at a relatively late time of night. At 10:30 tonight I had a hankering for something different. Something new(ish), something exotic, something off the normal beaten path for me. So I jumped onto the scooter and headed into Haymarket to the Sushiya Sushi Bar. Sushiya wouldn't look out of place on a New York side street and I wouldn't have been surprised if a group of New Yorkers had walked in and announced that they were off to Studio 54 and wanted to sample the finest sushi in the city beforehand. Sushiya may not be the biggest restaurant in Edinburgh but if style and substance counted for anything this place would be off the map of coolness. I sat with my back to th...

That good friends are hard to come by. This is plainly a load of shite. Good friends are easy to come by. Take my friend Lyndsay "With an I" Broon. She's funny, intelligent, engaging, open-minded, free spirited and ever so slightly deviant. Just the way I like my friends to be... Today Lyndsay and I met up for lunch at Negs where we spent an hour or so discussing many varied (and at times downright fucked up) subjects. She's no longer an employee of the club I used to work for as she was sick of being sexually harassed by committee members and pervert punters so we had a right good go at the swines for being morons who are hell bent on alienating their staff. After a while the subject was dropped and our conversation strayed onto the subject of sex. Specifically, why she seems to get it so easy and why I haven't fucked anything with a pulse in the last 7 years. ...Jeebus, has it really been that long? Doesn't time fly when you're a hopeless romantic who ca...

These pictures were taken at the Scottish Motor Show which was held today at Knockhill Racing Circuit.

In the spirit of change I've decided to give this blog a bit of an overhaul. Now all I need is something to write about... Any suggestions would be welcomed.

For my murdering the Easter Bunny I decided to take an hour out of my life today to do something positive. I didn't do much but I did potentially save a life. And how did I do this? I gave blood.

I have removed a post I wrote last week. Apologies if you were one of the people who left a comment but apparently writing your own opinion (Which I believe we are all entitled to) on your own blog can lead to you being sued. To finish I'd like to make the following statement... If you don't like what I write, or my opinions, STOP READING MY BLOG.