Today I learned...

Never order a large of anything in Starbucks. I mistakenly asked for a large, flat, black and was presented with a mug of coffee large enough to bath a baby in. Not that you’d ever bath your baby in a scalding hot cup of coffee that is, you’re sensible enough to know better. Or I think you are. Who knows, there are some people out there who may take delight in doing so. The internet is awash with freaks, loons and maniacs and real life isn’t much different. The only difference between the insane in real life and the insane online is that the ones in real life are easier to spot. The drool on their shirt and the dried semen around their fly gives them away… Or so I’m told. I enjoy the company of people who have excitement as their co-driver in my life but even in my deepest, darkest days I have avoided the obviously stark raving insane. Through sheer self preservation if nothing else.

*******

The sun has been shining today and the winter blues are being banished with spring stimulated smiles as I go about my day. The women in the street have a distinctly Parisian look about them as they replace large unflattering fleeces with summery dresses and sunglasses. The men, well, having never been one for eyeing up the male of the species, I can’t say. Perhaps I should seek out a homosexual to give me opinions on this. Perhaps not… Where would I begin the search? Hanging around in gay bars is not my bag and the only other place I have been informed that gay men hang around is public toilets and the opinions of toilet traders is not what I’m looking for. I need a hip and cool metropolitan male to tap for information not an arsebandit who sucks strangers dicks in the cubicles for kicks.

******

It's been a while since I wrote anything on here...

And quite frankly it'll be a minor miracle if I manage to sit here and type for anything more than a few minutes as it's so cold I'm giving serious consideration to setting the building on fire.

So what's been happening to me of late I hear you ask. Well, pretty much fuck all. I'm either pouring booze down the throats of the unemployable or at home sleeping in preparation for the next bout of pouring booze down the throats of the unemployable.

There has however been a small blip on the radar of my social life as I have been invited to the birthday party of my dear friend Lindsay "With an I" Broon, who it turns out has been dating my second cousin twice removed on my dads side... (Don't ask me what relation he is specifically as I'm about as good at keeping track of my relatives as Ronald Regan was at remembering his name.)

.................
Also...

An old friend... Should I say love? God knows... Sprung back into my life after a few years in the wilderness and I, possibly without thinking, suggested we meet up for a coffee. It wasn't until I remembered how much I loved her that I realised that perhaps meeting up again may not be a good idea. She's got kids, a husband and a mortgage I have issues with letting go of people I love.

And by god I loved her... So much so that she could short circuit my brain with just a simple smile... And she reads this blog so on that note I'll leave it.

Inspiration...

Can come in many guises. People can inspire you to be better than the masses, books can inspire you and music can also inspire you. So my question for today is...

"What has inspired you?

In the name of fairness I shall list the things that have inspired me.

People...

Bill Hicks.
A comedic giant who never once shirked away from letting his audiences into his deepest, darkest inner thoughts. Bill Hicks inspired me not to kowtow to other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong to talk about. No subject should ever be taboo, silence will only ever make the subject in hand develop into something that it never was in the first place.



Martin Luther King.
Martin Luther King should have been the first black president of the United States of America. Had he not been assassinated MLK would have united the people to create a fairer place for people of all races. His seminal "I have a Dream"speech is an inspiration to me whenever I listen to it. One day I hope to see MLK's dream of races around the world uniting in the name of humanity.



Hunter S Thompson.

Mentioned in the same sentences as such authors as Ernest Hemingway, J. D. Salinger and Jack Kerouac, Hunter S Thompson inspired me to write. Fair enough I'm nowhere near these literary giants but that's not the point. The point is that I'm writing. *See Update Below*

Kick out the jams kids...

For life is but a fleeting thing.

However there are things which make it more bearable. Like Music, books, the beauty of the sunrise and the most precious of them all, Love.

Music like the album "Sketches for (my sweetheart the drunk" by Jeff Buckley. [CD 1 CD2] [1]

Books like "Alice in Wonderland" by Lewis Carrol.

And sunrises like these. [3]

[1] Courtesy of Anon.
[2] Courtesy of Project Gutenburg.
[3] Google image search.

Enjoy.

The rest of that day...

I was in a state of absolute bliss.

No drug on the planet could have got me as high as I was at that moment because of the love I had found. I fell asleep that night with the smell of Her still in my nostrils. I could feel Her touch on my skin even though she wasn't there. She was as much inside me as I had been inside Her.

The next morning I stumbled out of bed, walked to work and got as much work as I could before She was due to make an appearance. Nine o'clock came and went. There was no sight of Her. I walked to the office and asked Lou if Claire had picked up the keys to kiosk 2 and had opened up.

"No, she's called in sick again. The boss is going apeshit, that's two weeks in a row she's thrown a sickie. He says if she does it again she's gone." Lou informed me.
"Did she say what was wrong with her?" I enquired.
"Her flatmate phoned for her, he says she's got a stomach ache." Lou told me.
"Do you need me to open up kiosk 2?" I asked.
"No, one of the staff from the pantry has opened up. The boss wants you to take some things down to the cottage for him." Lou said.

The boss's cottage was located in a small village in the borders and this meant I had at least a couple of hours driving ahead of me. "Am I going in the car or the van?" I asked.
"It'll need to be the car, the van has to go to the garage to be serviced. Joe Miller is picking it up in half an hour so remember to leave the keys." Lou said, throwing me the keys to the boss's car.

I walked along the corridor to my office and got the van keys, dropped them off at the office and told Lou I'd be as quick as I could. I jumped into the boss's BMW and set off for the borders. As soon as I was out of town and was on the city bypass I floored the accelerator. The car leaped forwards and shot down the road at highly illegal speeds.

Keeping one eye open for the presence of any police cars I made good time getting to the borders. I dropped the stuff in the back of the car off at the cottage and headed back towards Edinburgh. Once again I pushed the car into the red and hit speeds that, had I been caught, wouldn't have been easily explained away.

I reckoned I had a spare hour and made my way towards Her house. I pulled up outside her stair and realised that I didn't know which flat was Hers. Not that this stopped me. I leaned on the horn of the car and let the noise attract people to their windows. A few people leaned out of windows and shouted abuse at me but I ignored them and continued to honk the horn.

As I stared at the windows of the block of flats I saw no sign of her. "CLAIRE!" I yelled at the top of my voice, giving the car horn a rest. Still no sign. "CLAIRE!" I yelled again. Once again, no sign.

"I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I SEE YOU, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW LONG IT TAKES!" I yelled. The door to Her stair opened and She appeared in the doorway. I walked over to Her and She looked at me with anguish in Her eyes. I was about to ask what was wrong when I noticed that she was trying to hide Her face. "What the fuck?" I said, noticing the bruising around her eye.

"Who did that?" I asked, as calmly as I could.
"It's nothing Ross." She said, taking her into my arms and holding her close.
"It's not nothing. Now tell me who did it." I asked.
"My flatmate." She said, timidly.
"And is your flatmate in?" I asked.
"No. Please Ross, it's complicated. You wouldn't understand." She said.
"Try me." I said.
"Please don't ask me to explain it Ross, I don't know how to explain it to myself." She said.

She asked me to come up for a coffee and we walked up the stairs to Her flat. Inside Her flat I stood talking to Her as she made the coffee. She explained that She and Her flatmate were sort of in a relationship and that things were difficult for them at the moment. They'd grown up together in the small village back in Ireland and had been childhood sweethearts. When She had decided that She wanted to study in Edinburgh he had come along. Their relationship had went from being friends to being on and off lovers but she still saw herself as being single.

"He loves me Ross, I've known him since I was a child, but he can't see that I want other things." She said as She sat staring at the cup of coffee that was going cold in front of Her.
"And what do you want?" I asked.
"I want to feel loved. He doesn't understand that there's more to loving someone than just being with them." She said.

"He will when I beat seven shades of shit out of him." I said, anger welling up inside me.
"Don't hurt him Ross. He doesn't deserve it." She said.
"And you deserve being used as a punchbag?" I said.
"Maybe." She said.

In a moment of rashness I made a decision. "Well, until you know what you want I'll keep my distance. I'm not going to stop caring about you but I can't carry on like this. I'll be there if you need me but if me being with you makes him do this to you I can't see you outside work." I said.

I stood up, knelt down in front of Her, kissed Her gently, told Her I'd see Her when She got back to work and left.

For the next month or so at work I was caught between asking Her to come out with me, knowing that this would only make things worse between them and staying away from Her. I stood back as a lover and stood forwards as a friend. I did what I knew I had to do. I had to give Her space to decide for Herself and I had to do it with a smile on my face, even though my heart was slowly breaking apart.

Then came the night of Murray's leaving party. The night that I kissed her and time stood still, the night that She told me She was going back to Ireland, the night I died inside, the night I'd remember forever...

I awoke...

And felt the warmth of Her body pressing against my back.

Her arm was draped over my shoulder and her legs were intertwined with mine. Her breath gently tickled the hairs on my neck. I could feel her breasts pushing against my back and her soft knickers against my bum. I looked at the cheap alarm clock on the bedside table. The display said it was 7:14 in the morning.

"I was wondering when you'd wake up." She whispered in my ear. I shivered at the sound of Her voice and turned over so I could look at Her. "Bits of you have been awake for the last half an hour." She continued. A playful look spread across her face. "I'm sure you can guess what bits..." I knew immediately what She was talking about.

"Sorry about that." I said. "It's not everyday I wake up with a beautiful woman snuggled into me. He must have thought it was his lucky day."
"Don't be sorry about it. And who said it's not his lucky day?" She said, sliding her hand down my stomach.

"Wait." I said, taking a hold of Her arm and halting Her hands progress southwards.
"Am I sitting on your keys again?" She asked.
"No, I just want you to know that I'm not just here because I want to have sex with you. I'm here because I never want to leave you." I said, making sure that She understood that I needed more than just a one night stand. I wasn't interested in a one night stand, I wanted this woman to be my love, my lover, the mother to our children and my wife. She lifted Her hand off of my stomach and placed it on my chest.

"I know that." She said.
"Good." I said and kissed Her.
"Ross..." She said, interrupting our kiss.
"Yes." I replied, looking into her beautiful eyes.
"Make love with me." She said.
"Is that what you want?" I asked.
"More than anything." She said, making my heart beat so hard I thought it would spring out of my chest and hit the ceiling.

We made love gently in the early morning light and whispered softly to each other "I love you." Afterwards we lay in each others arms and She told me that She had had a dream about us during the night.

"Really?" I asked. "I hope it was a nice dream."
"It was so real... If that makes sense." She said.
"It makes perfect sense. I had a dream like that Last week." I said.
"What did you dream about?" She asked.
"I dreamed that we got married." I said.
"In a little church at the bottom of a hill?" She asked.
"I can't remember where, All I remember is how beautiful you looked." I said.
"What else did you dream?" She asked.
"I dreamed that we had three children." I said.
"Two boys and a girl?" She said.
"How did you know that?" I asked, knowing that I hadn't mentioned my dream to Her.
"The girl was the oldest wasn't she?" She said, causing a shiver to hurtle down my spine.
"How on earth do you know that?" I asked, dumbfounded.
"I dreamed it last night. She was the prettiest little girl I've ever seen. She had your eyes and my hair." She said, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling.

"She giggled whenever I asked her what her name was." She continued.

I turned over onto my side, lay my head on Her stomach and kissed her belly button. One day a beautiful baby girl would be created inside that stomach. Our little girl. I whispered a few words quietly into Her stomach.

"What was that Ross, I couldn't hear you." She asked.
"It was nothing. I was being silly. Ignore it." I said.
She grabbed my ear and pulled it gently.
"Spill..." She said.
"Ouch!" I said, pretending that it had actually hurt.
"Come on, out with it." She said, smiling sweetly.
"I was telling our little girl that I'd see her later." I said, feeling slightly exposed.
"Then you'd better say it to your balls." She said, beginning to laugh.
"Hey..." I said. "That's not very nice."
"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it in a nasty way." She said, patting the pillow Her head was resting upon. I pulled myself up the bed and laid my head next to Hers.

"Did you really dream that?" She asked, looking deep into my eyes.
"Yes." I said.
"Then you'd better get busy, you've got three kids in you that need to be in me." She said, rolling me over onto my back and climbing on top of me. We made love again and dozed in each others arms as the sunshine overtook the shadows in the room.

We took a shower together, spending so long in it that the water began to run cold. I washed Her and she washed me. The sight of her wet hair hanging in small curls and the water gently running down Her face made her look so beautiful that I was lost for words.

We laid some towels out on the bed and lay down to dry in the warmth of the sun that was now streaming through the window. Everything was perfect in that moment of time. Had I died at that precise moment I would have died as happy as I could possibly have been. An involuntary laugh issued forth from me as the thought that I could die now and be happy passed through my mind.

"What're you laughing at?" She asked.
"I just had the thought that if I died right now I'd die a happy man." I said.
"If you die right now I'll kill you." She said, rolling over and playfully poking me in the chest.
"Don't worry, I'm not about to die." I said. "Arghhh, My heart, I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest." I continued, overacting and pretending to expire.
"Bastard!" She said, punching me in the general area of my nuts. I doubled up in pain and she turned from being playfully angry to concerned as I grabbed my balls and took short breaths.
"Oh, shit, I didn't mean to punch you in the balls." She said, concerned.

I stopped acting as thought I was in pain and smiled at her with a cheeky look on my face.
"Maybe you should kiss them better." I said. She realised I had been kidding and rolled her eyes at me. Half an hour later, after making love again, we dressed and checked out of the hotel.

We walked along the promenade at Portobello hand in hand and found a small cafe where we could have breakfast. For the first time in my life I didn't have a fry up and instead had exactly the same as She had. Brown bread toasted, a poached egg and a small bowl of summer fruits.

"So, where are we going to go today?" She asked.
"How about back to the hotel?" I said, draining the cup of coffee in my hand and putting some money on the table to pay for our food.
"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, you're a randy bugger." She said, standing up.
"So that's a "No" then is it?" I asked as we left the cafe.
"Who said that? I was merely making a comment." She said, as we continued our walk along the promenade.
"To the hotel!" I yelled, playfully. "Taxi! Taxi! There's never a taxi when you need one is there."

She laughed and grabbed me by the waist. "I'd love for us to go back to the hotel baby but I can't." She said. "I've got some things I need to do tonight, sorry." She continued.
"It's OK, we've got the rest of our lives to spend all day in bed." I said.
"Do you mean that?" She asked, with a look of seriousness clear on Her face.
I looked down into Her eyes and saw that there was a small tear forming in the corner of her eye.

"I'm more serious about that than I've ever been in my life." I said, kissing the tear away.
"Promise?" She asked.
"Cross my heart." I said. And I meant it.
"What is it about you Ross? How can you make me feel so loved?" She asked.
"It's easy, all I have to do is love you and the rest takes care of itself." I answered.
She kissed me softly on the lips and took my hand. "Lets get a move on." She said. "We'd better get back. My flatmate is probably wondering where I am." She continued.

We walked up one of the small side streets that lead onto Portobello High Street and grabbed a taxi back into town. The taxi dropped us off at the side of the Waverly train station and we went into the Waverley market and had a cup of coffee in the food court.

"When do you need to go?" I asked.
"Soon... Too soon." She said, sadly.
"Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked.
"Of course you will, you've got work and so have I. We'll see each other there." She answered.
"I'd forgot about work. In fact I'd forgotten about everything else in the world." I said, as we walked back onto Princess Street.

I stopped a passing taxi and paid the driver to take her home. She hung her head out of the taxi window and gave me a kiss with her hand resting on my cheek in a way that made me feel like I was the only person in the world at that moment. "See you tomorrow." I said.
"Count on it." She said, and told the taxi driver where to take her.

I walked home that morning in a daze. My senses were on overdrive and I'd had the most wonderful woman I could ever hope for. I wanted the feeling to last until the end of my days.

Little did I know.

On friday morning...

After hardly being able to sleep the whole night, I slid out of bed at seven thirty. The thought of spending a whole day with Her exited me so much I was like a kid at Christmas. I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, dried myself off, slung on my jeans and a t-shirt, pulled on my timberland boots and left the house to get a bus into town.

As I waited for a bus to take me into town I smoked a cigarette and watched the faces of the early morning commuters. A look of despair was the standard mask for these people. Misery was to be their company for the length of their day, Magnificence was to be mine.

The bus arrived at Princes Street and I got off opposite the Waverly Market. The Waverly Steps were a couple of hundred yards away across the road and I looked over to see if She was there waiting for me. I couldn't see if She was waiting or not so I crossed the road and walked to the top of the Waverly Steps and checked again. I had no idea what time it was so I stopped a passing woman and asked her what time it was. "It's twenty past Eight." She said and walked on to wherever she was headed.

As I was all of forty minutes early I decided to take a walk around Waverley Market. I strode into the mall and spotted a florist putting out a display of the yellowest daffodils I had ever seen. I asked if I could buy one. "We don't sell them in singles, just bunches of ten." She said.
"I only want one, how about I pay for a bunch and only take one? Is that acceptable?" I asked.
"Why would you want to do that?" The florist enquired.
"I'm meeting someone very special and I'd like to give her a flower." I stated.
"Why not give her the whole bunch?" She asked.
"Fuck it, give me a bunch of the things." I said, desperate to knock the conversation on the head and get back to the top of the Waverley Steps just in case She had turned up and was thinking I wasn't going to meet Her.
"There's no need to be like that." The florist said, with a tone that suggested I had offended her.
"Yeah, whatever. Just give me the flowers." I said, pulling out my wallet.

After selecting the best looking daffodil, and jamming the rest of the bunch into a bin, I made my way back to the top of Waverly Steps, sat down on a marble plinth and chain smoked for a while. As I was reaching into my pocket to retrieve my cigarettes I dropped my lighter and leaned over to pick it up. A pair of feet stopped in front of me and I looked up. It was Her.

"Hello." She said, in her soft sweet voice.
"Hello." I replied, smiling broadly and giving her the daffodil.
"Have you been waiting long?" She asked, sniffing the daffodil.
"Not really, probably about five minutes." I said, standing up and giving Her a kiss on the cheek.
"So that's not your own personal pile of cigarette ends then?" She said looking down at the butts at my feet.
"OK then, I've been here long enough to smoke erm... Six cigarettes. So you could say I've been here for about half an hour." I said.
"Jaysus, you're keen." She said, looping Her arm into mine as we began walking along Princes Street.

"So, where would you like to go?" I asked, as we approached the bottom of The Mound.
"I don't know, I thought that this was your town." She replied.
"Want to see some arty farty nonsense?" I asked, indicating the National Gallery.
"You make it sound so romantic." She said, giving my arm a playful tug.

We walked into the National Gallery and spent an hour or so walking around staring at portraits. To lighten the mood we said what we thought the sitter was saying to the artist judging by the look on their faces. At least twice we were asked by the security guards to keep the noise down and we finally thought we'd better get out of there when She couldn't stop laughing when I put the words "It's not so bad, the view is nice and I'm out in the fresh air" into the mouth of Jesus in a rather depressing painting of the Crucifixion.

After leaving the gallery I suggested going for something for lunch so we took a walk up Hanover Street and into Rose Street where we found a pub that did bar lunches. A couple of hours were spent chatting over lunch and a few drinks. She told me all about Herself, Her family, the village that She grew up in and I told her all about myself.

We left the pub and as we stepped into the street She asked where we were off to now.
"Ever been to the castle?" I asked.
"No, I've always meant to but I've never got round to it." She said.
I flagged down a passing taxi. "That makes two of us." I said, opening the taxi door.

She cuddled into me as the taxi drove up the mound and I lay my head on top of her and smelled the beautiful scent of her hair. The taxi drew to a halt at the bottom of the esplanade and I paid the fare. She offered to pay for the taxi but I refused Her saying that She was my guest in my town and I'd be highly offended if She offered to pay for anything again that day. Reluctantly She conceded the argument and I paid the cabbie and the entrance fee for the castle.

Walking around the castle I did my best to make Her laugh by making up parts of the history of Edinburgh. Tales I had no idea I could conjure up came flowing forth from me and She laughed Her sweet laugh and lifted my heart to the heavens.

We left the castle, walked down the High Street and I told Her that these were the streets that made up Edinburgh in the past when Edinburgh was a Walled city separate from Leith. We popped into a delicatessen and got some food for a picnic and then went into a small off licence to buy a bottle of scotch, some mixers and a small pack of plastic cups.

Holyrood palace sits at the bottom of the High Street and backs onto Holyrood Park and Arthurs seat and we headed there to have a picnic on the grass. As we lay on the side of Arthurs Seat She laid Her head on my lap, I gently stroked Her hair and we talked about what we hoped to get from life. She told me that what She wanted more that anything else was to be with someone who loved Her more than anything else in the world and I told Her that I was willing if She was.

We sat on the grass and talked until the sun had set behind Calton Hill.

"It's probably about time I got you home." I said, noticing that it was getting dark and chilly.
"I don't want to go home. I want to sit here and drink the rest of that bottle of booze and then go for another walk to somewhere else." She replied.
"If we drink the rest of that bottle I don't think we'll be able to walk anywhere." I said, standing up.

I looked down at the bottle and saw that we had drank almost three quarters of the bottle. "Or, maybe not... Have you been sneaking drinks to numb the pain of being seen with me?" I asked.
"Actually, yes I have. Can you ever forgive me?" She asked, jokingly.
"Give me a cuddle and I'll forget all about it." I said, helping Her to stand.
"Lets go back to your place." She said.
"Are you willing to put up with the Spanish inquisition from my mother?" I asked.
"Oh god no, not yet." She said.
"Then how about your place?" I asked.
"I told my flatmate that I'd be out and I hate to think what kind of mayhem is going on there." She answered.

"How about we go to a bed and breakfast?" I suggested.
"What kind of girl do you think I am?" She asked, with a tone that suggested I'd offended her.
"Oh shit... I didn't mean that... Fuck... Oh you shit!" I said, the realisation that she was joking slowly dawning on me.

I hailed a passing taxi and told the driver to take us to the Seaview Hotel on Seafield Road. The driver made a remark that seemed to convey the idea that we were headed to the Seaview for an illicit bunk up and I told him to shut up.

"Sorry mate, I just thought... Well, you know." He said.
"Well, do us all a favour and do what you're supposed to be doing, driving. And try not to have a hemorrhage by concentrating on the white lines too hard." I said. For the rest of the journey he was silent as She and I cuddled into each other in the back.

We arrived at the Seaview and I handed the driver a fiver for the fare.
"What, no tip?" He asked.
"Yeah, trap three in the six o'clock at Powderhall." I said, getting out the taxi and slamming the door shut.

The Seaview Hotel, with its view out over the river Forth, isn't exactly the highest class of hotel but it did have the advantage of a nice view and it was far enough on the outskirts of town to ensure that no-one we knew would see us going into it.

We walked into the main hall and were greeted by an elderly woman. I enquired about a room looking out over the river and she handed me a key with a tatty plastic keyring upon which a room number had been scratched.
"Name?" The woman asked.
"Ross." I answered. "And this is Claire."

Claire laughed and told the old lady that we were Mr and Mrs Douglas and asked what time we had to check out by in the morning. "Breakfast is served between eight and nine o'clock, check out is anytime before midday and the room is twenty pounds a night." The woman answered.

I paid for the room and we walked up the stairway. As I pushed open the room door and walked in I turned around and saw that Claire was standing at the doorway. "What's up?" I asked, thinking that She'd had second thoughts and was considering bailing out.

"I'm waiting on you to carry me over the threshold." She said, with a giggle.
I stepped over to the door, hooked my finger into the top of her jeans and pulled Her into the room and towards me. "I'll carry you over the threshold when we get married. It's bad luck to do it before." I said, wrapping my arms around Her body and kissing Her.

"When we get married?" She enquired.
"Yes, when we get married." I answered.
"Not if we get married." She said, teasingly.
"There's no if about it. I'd marry you tomorrow if you'll have me." I said.
"Is that a proposal?" She asked.
"Maybe." I said.
"Just maybe?" She said, pushing me backwards onto the bed.
"Just maybe." I said, sitting up and wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the nape of her neck.

As I kissed her neck She undid the buttons on her blouse and slid it off. I ran my hands across her back and kissed her stomach. She pulled my t-shirt over my head, pushed me backwards onto the mattress, straddled my legs and began kissing my chest.

"Wait." I said, suddenly. She stopped kissing my chest and sat up.
"What?" She said, with a look of uncertainty on Her face.
"It's just that... I don't know how to say this... You're sitting on my keys." I said, laughing.
"You shit!" She said hitting me gently in the stomach.
"That was for tricking me when I suggested coming here." I said. "Now come here."

That night we spent together was the best night of my life. No sex was involved, we kissed, cuddled, and lay in each others arms until we both slowly fell asleep together. We had the rest of our lives to make love.

Or so I thought.

Two days passed...

And there was still no sign of Her.

The morning after that I was standing at the back door to the Members House smoking a cigarette and chatting to Alex. It was quarter to nine o'clock in the morning and the staff were filtering in in dribs and drabs. I finished my cigarette and flicked the butt into the garden where it was rapidly set upon by one of the seagulls that hung around waiting for scraps. As the seagull took to flight, dropping the smoldering cigarette it had in its beak, She appeared.

I walked towards Her and asked how She felt. She mumbled that She couldn't talk about it and walked past me into the canteen. She got a cup of tea and sat down at a table that was filled with other staff members who were killing time before their shifts started.

I watched out the corner of my eye as She sat chatting to Dawn and Louise. As She chatted Dawn put an arm across Her shoulder and Her head dropped onto the table as though She was trying to hide her face. Louise turned around and gave me a look that seemed to say I was guilty of something. The look in her eye was strange to me but I could tell it was meant to convey.

The clock in the canteen clicked onto the next minute and people began making their way to wherever they were supposed to be working that day. Louise and Dawn took Her by the arm and escorted Her towards the ladies changing room. I wandered into the kitchen, trying to make it look like I was getting a cup of coffee and tried to hear the conversation between Her, Lou and Dawn.

The muffled voices coming from behind the closed door of the changing room were too quiet for me to hear properly. The only thing I could make out with any certainty were those of Her crying and the occasional "The Bastard!" from Lou. I gave some consideration to knocking on the door and asking if everything was alright but decided I'd rather not face Lou when she was on the warpath. For all I knew I had upset Her and Lou had decided I was, in some way, responsible.

I decided I probably should get as far away as possible from Lou, just in case she lashed out and popped me one if I was within arms reach and went upstairs to my office to finish my cup of coffee. I sat in my office with the door shut so that I couldn't be disturbed by someone wanting supplies.

The only people who could get into the office without me opening it were the keyholding management so I knew it was safe enough for me to spend the next fifteen minutes trying to figure out why She was upset. I sat at my desk and thought about everything I had said or done that could have caused Her to have three days off of work and caused Her to cry in public.

Nothing came to my mind. I couldn't think of why She was so upset. My heart ached as the thought "You caused this" coursed through my mind. I'm not ashamed to say that I wept for Her right there in the cold, soulless office.

I'd still to take the milk and the internal mail to the main office so I cleaned myself up and made my way towards the main office. As I passed the members bar I noticed that Terry the barman had left the bar unguarded and unlocked so I slid into the bar and grabbed a couple of bottles of beer, a deck of cigarettes, a pack of rizla papers and slipped them into the pockets of my trousers.

I walked along the corridor to the main office and saw Lou standing in the office with a look on her face that could turn you to stone in a second. "Is there any mail to go to the office? I've got to take their milk down and may as well drop off the mail at the same time." I said. Lou shot me another look that could knock down a stampeding bull and threw the small bundle of internal mail at me.

"What's up with your pus?" I asked.
"Just fuck off Ross." She answered, with no detectable hint of humour. I took this to be a clear signal that I was Persona Non Grata in her eyes at the moment and decided retreat was the better form of valour.

I picked the mail up off of the counter and got the hell out of there before Lou let loose the dogs of war mouth that she occasionally let fly with. I'd seen her lose it at someone once before and never wanted to experience the visceral verbal volley that would issue forth from her.

As I started the van I slipped the bottles of beer from my trouser pockets and slid them into the door recess. I put the van into first gear and drove down the hill towards the main office. I parked the van at the side of the main offices and entrance hall of the Zoo and walked up the stairs. I popped my head into the office of the wages clerk and gave him the figures for the wages that had to be paid and passed a few minutes talking to him about the fortunes of Fiorentina and the slip ups of the Seattle Seahawks.

After I'd got beer in the van and had a bit of hash in my pocket I didn't hang around for very long and made my way back to the van. I drove to the top of the zoo hill where the Zoo maintenance department stored spare building materials and parked the van behind a stack of wood where it was hidden from sight.

I rolled myself a strong joint and popped open one of the beers with the bottle opener I had in the glove compartment for occasions such as this. I spent the next fifteen minutes sitting on the bonnet of the van and staring into space drinking beer and pulling deeply on my joint. I felt numb. I'd caused pain upon the person whose heartbeat drove mine. I'd brought pain to the perfect person. I'd hurt Her.

I knew I had to know what it was that I'd done and resolved to ask the one person I knew knew for sure. I had to ask Her. I got back into the van, threw the empty beer bottle out of the window into the weeds and drove down the hill towards kiosk 2.

As I approached kiosk 2 I could see Her small frame sitting inside. Even from a distance I could see She may have been sitting there in kiosk 2 but Her spirit was somewhere else. I was at least two hundred yards away but I could still see the pain in the pupils of her perfect eyes. My heart ached as I drove slowly towards the kiosk.

As I approached the turn to take me to the side of the kiosk the safari bus came up the hill towards me and I stopped to allow it to go along the road first as it couldn't pass if I parked the van in its way. The driver of the safari bus waved a thank you and I watched as it passed slowly by filled with Japanese tourists who were clicking away on expensive Nikon cameras taking pictures of everything that wasn't human or of interest.

I could see Her through the gaps of the tourists heads and noticed that She wasn't moving. She was staring right at me but I don't think she was looking at me. She was staring absentmindedly into space with a look of utter heartbreak on her beautiful face. It killed me to see this. I wanted to take away Her pain by doing whatever I could but I had to wait until the safari bus driver decided that the tourists had taken enough pictures of the pygmy hippo and moved on.

The next couple of minutes were abhorrent as I watched this angel agonise. The safari bus moved on and I pulled the van over and switched the engine off. I took a deep breath, popped a polo mint into my mouth to take away the smell of beer on my breath and got out of the van. I pushed open the door to the kiosk and looked in to see that She was still silently staring into space.

"Claire?" I said softly. She turned and looked at me. Then She broke out crying. "Oh fuck no, don't cry baby; Please, anything but that, I never want to see you cry, it breaks my heart." I said, as I put my arms around Her and pulled Her close. She sunk into my chest and I felt the racks of pain coursing through Her. She cried in my arms saying "It's all so fucked up" between surges of salty tears.

A visitor to the Zoo appeared at the hatch. I looked up at the guy standing at the hatch, held my hand and mouthed that It'd be at least five minutes until he got served. He decided that this was unacceptable and began to make his thoughts known on the situation. I cut him off by telling him that unless he wanted to be dragged through the hatch and beaten half to death with a stick of rock he had better get out of my sight. "This is disgraceful! I want to speak to your superior!" he said.

In a moment of rashness I picked up a carton of raspberry juice and hurled it at his head. "Fuck Off Cunt!" I yelled as the carton of juice crashed into the wall just above his head. He took this as a sign that I was way past giving a shit and promptly disappeared from sight. I gave small consideration to how much trouble I was going to be in when he reported me but I couldn't have cared less. She needed me and the rest of the world could go fuck itself.

I heard a small laugh come from Her. "Claire?" I said.
"You're going to get fired for that one. Funny though." She said, her sobs becoming less audible.
"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked, putting my finger under her chin and lifting her head so I could look into her eyes. The surrounds of Her eyes were covered in cried out mascara, her cheeks were red and her eyelids were all puffed up from crying. It pained me to see this so I let her hide her face in my chest and asked what was wrong. "It's all fucked up Ross." She said.

She was no longer crying but I could still hear the pain in her voice. "What's fucked up? Did I do something to hurt you?" I asked, running my hand over her hair like my mum used to do when I was a kid. This always soothed me and for some reason I knew She would also be soothed by it. As I ran my hand gently over her head and cooed to Her like She was the most precious thing I had ever known she gave small sighs of satisfaction and took deep, slow breaths. If she had began to purr like a cat I wouldn't have been surprised.

"It's nothing you did Ross, I don't think you could ever do anything to upset me. It's just that everything is so fucked up in my life, you're the only thing I feel a connection with in the world right now." She said. I knew right then and there that I hadn't done anything to cause her pain and asked what she meant. "I thought I knew what I wanted in my life, you know? But something has changed and it's knocked me off of centre. I feel like I'm losing myself." She said.

"Claire; Baby; Precious; Sweetheart; Love; Trust me, that's the one thing you can never lose. No matter how far you go, no matter where you are, no matter how much you think you've lost yourself, you're always right there." I told her. "Nothing in this world is controllable, we're all specks of dust being blown by the cosmic winds, all you need to do is to centre yourself." I continued. Perhaps the beers and the joint hadn't been such a good idea after all.

I put my finger under Her chin and lifted her head again so I could look directly into Her eyes. I stared deep into Her eyes and said "Take a deep breath and focus on nothing but my eyes."

She looked deep into my eyes and began a long slow deep breath in. She swelled in my arms from the intake of air and when She began to exhale She closed Her eyes and squeezed me tightly. I felt her loosen up in my arms and moved her across towards the seat at the hatch so she could sit down. I pulled the hatch closed so we could talk without distractions. I ran my hand across Her hair again and let it slide down onto her arm. When my hand brushed Her forearm she let out a small gasp of pain.

"Have you hurt yourself?" I asked.
"I caught my arm in a door. It's nothing. Honestly." She said, trying not to look at me.
"Can I see?" I asked.
"It's fine Ross, honestly, please just let it go." She said.

I squatted down until I was at eye level with her and stroked her cheek with my finger. "Please?" I pleaded. Her eyes dropped towards Her arm and She rolled up the sleeve of Her cardigan. A large bruise covered her forearm from the wrist to the elbow. "Holy fuck..." I said, shocked. "How the hell did you manage that?" I questioned.

She continued looking at the floor at Her feet and once again said she'd caught it in a door. "Were you trying to rob a bank and got your arm caught in the safe?" I said. The bruise was huge. "I was leaving the house to come to work but I'd forgotten my keys, I was reaching back into the hallway and my flatmate kicked the front door shut on it." She said.

"Shit." I said. She rolled the sleeve back down Her arm and said She had better get the kiosk opened as there was quite a lot of people walking around. I said I'd see Her at lunchtime and gave Her a small kiss on the cheek.

"I'll drive past whenever I can just to make sure you're OK. If you need anything just flag me down." I said, as I walked towards the door.
"Even if it's just because I need a kiss and a cuddle?" She said, with a small coy smile.
"Especially if it's because you need a kiss and a cuddle." I said. I gave her an overexaggerated comedy wink pulled the door closed.

I drove back to Members house and pulled the van into the parking space. Then I swung by my office to do the orders for the next day, checked there was anything that the kitchens wanted and popped by the office to see if Lou needed anything done.

Lou informed me in a terse voice that there was some more mail to go to the main office and that the banking needed to be dropped off. I took the mail from the counter and Lou went and got the previous days takings from the safe. As she handed the blue bag to me through the hatch and I took hold of it she pulled backwards on the bag filled with cash and cheques.

"Are you going to come with me?" I asked.
"You better sort things out with Claire." She said.
"I just did, she's fine." Lou replied.
"What?" Lou questioned.
"Everything is fine. I talked to her about it all and she's fine now." I said.
"So she told you about what her flatmate did?" Lou asked.
"Yes, it's all fine. Can I go now?" I said trying to get out of there before Lou attempted to pull me through the four inch gap between the glass and the oak counter.
"Fuck off then. But if anything like that happens again I expect you to take action." Lou said, letting go of her grip on the takings bag.

I made a hasty retreat and drove down to the main office, drove along Corstorphine Road, dropped the banking off and popped into the fishmongers I used to work in for a cup of coffee with my old workmates. This was always a good fifteen minute skive and I could usually score myself a bit of fish for my dinner later on.

The guys in the back shop of the fishmongers usually waited until I arrived to put the kettle on before they took their morning break so I walked into the howff, popped the kettle on and enquired about how everyone was. Fifteen minutes later I walked back to the van with a few fillets of haddock and some salmon bones for the chef to make stock with and drove back to the Zoo.

I spent the rest of the day giving the kiosk workers their breaks and checked on Claire whenever I could. She always smiled and waved when I passed and when I finished my shift I popped up to ask if She fancied going for a drink after work but She told me that She had some things to do and could we make it another day. "Sure. When do you fancy it?" I asked.

"How about I meet you Friday afternoon?" She said.
"Aren't you working?" I asked.
"No, I've got the day off. Saturday as well. Same as you. Maybe we can do something together?" She said, smiling that smile that made the universe dissapear into nothingness.
"Sure," I replied. "I'll meet you at the top of the Waverly Steps when the one o'clock gun goes off?" I continued, grinning like the cat that hasn't just got the cream but the milkfloat as well.
"Meet me at nine o'clock. We can spend the whole day together." She suggested.
"Even better." I said, giving her a small kiss. "See you Friday."
"See you Friday." She said.

I walked home that day floating on a cloud. Not only did this woman make my life worth living but I had begun the beautiful dream I had seen in my sleep.

The next day...

I awoke from the most intensely real dream I had ever had in my life.

In the dream I was witness to my own marriage to Her, my life with Her, Her giving birth to three beautiful children of mine and many years of us growing old together. I watched days fly by in the blink of an eyelid, I saw weeks skip past like I saw my children skip along a country path, I saw years pass as we both watched many sunsets and I saw Her beside me all the way.

I smiled and laughed as the realisation dawned on me like the sunrise streaming through the gap in the curtains that covered the window to the real world. I had been shown The Dream, all I needed to do was make it a reality.

I swung my legs out of bed and pulled on my work clothes and my boots. In only three hours I would see Her. While wandering to work along the old railway line I thought about the night before. Those perfect hours in Her presence played in my mind over and over again. The words She had spoken, the feelings I had felt and the sense of Her touch upon my body all floated through my mind and made my heart Beat.

As I walked into the entrance hall of the Zoo one or two of the early starters said "Hello." I didn't hear them. I was millions of miles away wandering along in a perfect world with my perfect partner. I could feel Her heartbeat as She lay sleeping in the same early morning light I walked through. If I focused my spirit I could match my heartbeat to Hers and I could feel time beginning to lose its meaning.

As I pushed open the door to the Members House I heard Louise swearing loudly at the two rottweiler guard dogs that inhabited the office overnight. "If you keep swearing at those dogs they're gonna rip your cunt out one morning when you least expect it." I said, as I passed the office door.

Louise said good morning between swearwords as I began walking towards the storeroom office where I threw my jacket and got to work. The first thing I had to do in the morning was give Alex in the canteen the stores he needed for the day so I went to the fridge, grabbed some large cartons of milk and the rest of his list and pulled open the door that lead downstairs to the staff canteen.

"Heads up Alex!" I shouted. Alex appeared around the door at the bottom of the stairs and got ready to catch the carton of milk I had sent sliding down the banister. "Alright?" Alex questioned. I answered him by telling him that the sun was shining, the air was wonderful and there was joy in the world. "Are you going to share that joint?" He said.

"I'm not stoned man, strange though it may seem." I replied.
"I know you too well Ross, you can't function without some kind of chemical coursing through your system." Alex stated, as I slid a roll of slicing sausage down the banister. I picked up the tray of eggs that I had laid at the door and walked down the stairs.

I grabbed a roll off the counter, buttered it heavily and put three link sausages onto it. Alex slid a cup of coffee into my hand and we popped outside to have a cigarette. "So..." Alex began. "Are you going to share that joint in your pocket or are you going to keep it all to yourself?" He continued.

"I told you man, I'm not stoned. I'm just happy." I said.
"Aye, and I'm the next guy in line for the papacy." Alex said. I inhaled deeply and once again told Alex I hadn't been smoking a joint on the way to work as usual and was merely in a good mood. Alex continued to disbelieve me and after a few minutes of silence from me let it go.

I finished my roll, my coffee and my cigarette and headed back upstairs to do the stores for the rest of the building and told Alex to keep a full breakfast for me for my lunch. Alex said he was getting complaints from the keepers that they couldn't get a full breakfast at lunchtime and I told him that he could tell them to eat shit.

The next couple of hours passed in a blur as I made sure I did as much work as possible so I had as much free time as possible to spend with Her. Not that I had free time as such, I had no such thing in the eyes of my bosses but what I did have was the ability to skive off. The more I did when She wasn't there was more time I could spend with Her when She was there.

At ten to nine I had finished stocking up all the departments and the kiosks, had delivered the mail and the milk to the main offices at the bottom of the hill, been to the bank and deposited the previous days takings and had done everything I needed to clear me to skive for the next three hours. She was due in at nine o'clock and I could spend the next three hours with Her.

Nine o'clock came and went without Her making an appearance. I figured that She must be running late and made my way up to the office to show face and to cover myself for the next three hours when people would have difficulty finding me. Louise told me that the boss wanted me to take the dogs up to the top of the hill for their morning stroll, shit and slash and that after I'd done that I was to get the till for Kiosk 2 and open it up.

I quickly checked the rota for the kiosks and saw that She had been down to work in kiosk 2. "Why have I to open Kiosk 2?" I asked.
"One of the students has phoned in sick. you need to cover for them." Louise informed me.
"Who hasn't shown up?" I asked, hoping that She was covering the kiosk of the person who had called in sick and had been moved to a different kiosk.
"The Irish girl. Her flatmate phoned in and said she's been throwing up constantly since early last night. He reckons it was the curry they had for dinner. Apparently he's had to phone in to his work sick as well." Louise said.

There must have been a strange look on my face as Louise questioned if I was OK. "I'm fine. It's just that..." I began. "Nothing." I stated, knowing She couldn't have spent the previous night at home throwing up. If I let this slip to Louise it'd be common knowledge all around the department in a split second. The catering department was a hotbed of gossip at the best of times.

I took the dogs for their walk at the top of the hill and stood smoking a cigarette whilst I looked out over the west side of Edinburgh. If I looked to the south west I could see the area in which I knew She was. Thoughts played on my mind. Had I upset Her? Did my declaration of love scare Her so much that She couldn't face me? Had I fucked up the perfect dream that I had been shown in my sleep during the night?

As these and more thoughts passed through my mind I felt the cigarette burn my fingers. I hadn't even took a drag on it. I had lit it and had sunk so deep into my mind that I had forgotten about it. The pain wasn't as bad as the pain my mind was creating by thinking the thoughts that it was.

I called the dogs and told them to get into the van. They hopped into the back and lay down for the short drive back to the Members House. I parked the van, checked that there was no-one waiting for assistance at the office so as not to scare the living piss out of them by walking in with two large, ferocious and foaming at the mouth rottweilers, dropped the dogs off and got the till for kiosk 2.

The rest of my day was spent in the kiosk. I served customers like a robot as my mind spun and whirled with questions. At four o'clock one of the other kiosk workers appeared and let me finish my shift. I walked down to the members house and saw Louise getting into her car to go home. I called to her and asked her if she could give me a lift down to The Struan. I was in need of a drink.

Louise said that she'd drop me off at the bottom of the hill and we climbed into the car. As we made our way down the hill Louise mentioned that I didn't look half as happy as I had earlier on and I tried to tell her it was nothing. Louise, being Louise, didn't let it go. "Honestly Lou, it's nothing." I said.

She informed me that as the driver of the car she was pretty much in charge of whether or not I was getting dropped off at the Struan or being abandoned in the middle of nowhere and that unless I wanted to find myself facing a long walk home I should spill the beans. I conceded the point and told her if she came into the Struan I'd tell her all about it if she promised not to blab it all over the catering department. Louise agreed and drove the couple of hundred yards to the Struan.

We sat at the table in the corner where all of the catering department sat after finishing their respective shifts and I told her all about it. She listened to my story with rapture. The only sounds she made were small gasps of ooo, ahhh and the occasional awww. At one point I looked into her eyes and I saw a small tear welling up in the corner.

"You OK?" I asked.
"It's just that it all sounds so romantic. It's like a fairytale and you're one of the main characters." Louise replied.
"Tell me about it. I'm in deep Lou; I'm in deep and I don't want it to end." I responded.

I was a bit down...

So I was a bit quiet that day at work.

She noticed it within a second of seeing my face. She enquired what was wrong and I said that it wasn't important. "It is important Ross, something is getting to you. Can I help?" She said.
"I doubt it." I replied as I took a can of juice out of the fridge and took a drink.

She moved towards me, with a small smile that was full of kindness and warmth, and gave me a hug. "I'm sorry you don't feel good Ross, it's not nice seeing you like this." She said, Her head laying upon my chest. I wrapped my arms around Her small frame and rested my head onto her raven black hair. I noticed that She smelled of apples and peaches and my heart beat sped up.

"I can hear your heart beating." She said, still holding me around the waist. My heart skipped a beat and she commented on it. I looked down into her beautiful eyes and she looked up into mine. "You're a really nice guy Ross please cheer up. It makes me sad seeing you like this." She remarked.

"Don't be sad. It'll pass. I just get a bit down once in a while." I said as Her hands ran slowly up and down my back. I figured it was the mothering instinct but could see in Her eyes it was more than that. Or I thought so anyway. I kissed her on the forehead and immediately she drew back and ended our hug. "Shit, I'm sorry. I... I... Oh fuck it." I stammered and turned away to get the hell out of there so I didn't have to explain why I had just kissed her.

"Don't go." She said. I stopped and began to try to explain to her why I had Crossed The Line. "And Don't say anything either." She continued. "Just come here and kiss me properly." I looked outside the kiosk and saw early visitors to the Zoo wandering past. "Ross, there are times in life when you shouldn't worry about who's watching. This is one of them. Now come here and kiss me." She said.

A thought passed through my mind. "Why would someone as beautiful as She is want to kiss me?" It asked. She smiled at me again as She stepped towards me and spoke. "Kiss me now and stop thinking about the whys and wherefores... Seize the moment." She said as She once more wrapped Her petite arms around me and pulled me close.

I stared into Her deep brown eyes that had flecks of grey through them and kissed her. Her hands slid down my back and Her thumbs hooked into my jeans. Her tongue slipped into my mouth and I felt my blood rushing in my ears.

I could feel my self melting away to be replaced by a warm sense of belonging. This, I knew, was where I wanted to be. I wanted to wake up next to this woman everyday, I wanted to hold her close and tight as we lay next to each other, I wanted this woman to be the Mother to my Children and I wanted us to grow old together. She gave a low soft moan as I ran my hands down her back and onto her hips.

She broke away from me and looked into my eyes. "Feel better?" She enquired, with a small, lopsided, grin that spoke volumes. I smiled like the Cheshire Cat as our bodies parted slowly. My hand ran all the way along her arm and I felt every single hair on Her was standing on end. "I'm good now, but I have to ask what that was all about." I said.

"I'm not sure myself Ross, I just wanted to make you smile and take away whatever you're hurting from." She said with a look of confusion on her face. "It just felt like the right thing to do." She continued.

"You could have just told me a joke." I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit. She giggled and told me to go and do some work and that She'd see me later. "Fancy a drink after work?" I enquired.
"That'd be nice. I'm off at six." She said as I pulled open the door to the kiosk.
"I'll meet you in The Struan then." I said.
"Can we go somewhere else? The Struan will be full of people from here. And I want you all to myself." She said.
"Sure, I'll meet you at the bottom of the hill just after six and we can go somewhere else." I Said as I pulled the door closed.

I walked to the van that I had parked outside the kiosk and she leaned out of the serving hatch. "I'm missing you already." She said as I got into the van and started the engine. "Even though I'm not quite sure why." She continued. I smiled to her, winked my eye and pulled away slowly.

For the rest of the day whenever I drove around the Zoo, taking messages and doing what it was I was being paid to do, I'd try to make sure I passed Her kiosk and gave Her a wave each time. She always waved back or leaned out of the window and made a smart remark. A couple of times when there was no-one waiting at the kiosk to be served I'd pull the van right up to the window so we could chat for a couple of minutes until a customer wanted to be served.

At four o'clock I finished my shift and I headed home to have a shower and get changed. As I walked along the old railway line towards my home the birdsong resounded in my ears, interrupted only by the occasional shout of "Fore!" from the golf course that ran adjacent to the abandoned railway line.

After showering and getting changed into clean clothes I left the house and walked began the mile or so walk back to work.

I arrived at the bottom of the Zoo hill and leaned on the wall at the side of the gate. People who I worked beside stopped to talk to me and almost without exception they all enquired who I was waiting for. I ignored their questions, as I didn't want them making remarks during lunch break, and they eventually gave up and drifted over the road towards The Struan.

Just when I thought that I had been stood up, and had decided to go over to The Struan and have a drink or ten with everyone who had made their way across the road, She appeared and hooked her arm around me. "Hi." She said. "Let's get out of here. I've had enough of this place for one day." She continued.

I took her hand into mine and hailed a passing taxi. The taxi pulled to the curb and we got in. As the taxi pulled away She leaned into me and let out a small yawn. "Tired?" I asked after I had told the driver where to go. "Just a bit." She said, snuggling into me, closing her eyes and sighing contentedly.

As the taxi weaved its way through Edinburgh I looked down at the beautiful woman snoozing gently in my arms and I was filled with the desire to be with this woman until the sun died and the universe turned cold. I listened to her slow deep breathing and watched her perfectly formed chest rise and fall with Her breaths.

The taxi arrived at our destination and I gently whispered into Her ear that we were here. She stirred gently and looked up into my eyes. "I'm sorry." She said as we stepped out of the taxi. She was apologising for falling asleep in my lap. "Don't be, that was the nicest thing that has ever happened to me. I had a beautiful woman sleeping in my arms." I said and she blushed slightly.

"Where are we?" She asked, looking around at the surroundings.
"We're at Crammond." I said, as we made our way along the pathway that skirted the beach. "It's at the mouth of the Water of Leith. This is the Firth of Forth. The Forth bridge is a few miles that way and a few hundred miles that way is Denmark." I said, pointing up and down the body of water that stretched out before us.
"It's beautiful." She said.

I held her hand as we sat on a bench and watched the sun begin to set behind the hills of Fife. We talked about our childhoods, our hopes, our dreams and speculated on our futures. "I'd like to grow old with someone I love more than anything else." She said.
"Anywhere in particular?" I questioned.
"Not really. But somewhere that I can watch the sunset without the drone of traffic disturbing it would be nice." She answered.
"You should see Pirnmill." I said remembering the beauty of the place I had visited many years previously with my family. "It's a small village on the Isle of Arran that looks over the water towards the Mull of Kintyre. The sunsets are amazing there." I continued.

"That's the place that Paul McCartney sung about isn't it?" She asked.
"Yup." I answered.
"I can't stand that song." She said.
"It's certainly a good argument for Paul McCartney getting back into heavy drug use. I'd much rather Paul McCartney wrote songs like Eleanor Rigby and Blackbird than pumping out shit like that and The Frog Chorus." I said.
"I love that song." She said as she huddled into me to keep warm.
"What song?" I asked.
"The Frog Chorus. It's great... Boom boom boom, ba ee ya, boom boom boom, ba ee ya." She said as she began singing the hook to The Frog Chorus.
"Holy fuck, I'm in love with a madwoman!" I said.

She began laughing at having tricked me into thinking that she liked The Frog Chorus but stopped suddenly.

"Did you just say you're in love with me?" She asked. She sat up from hugging into my side and looked at me. I sensed that I had fucked up and tried to talk my way out of the hole I had dug.
"I said I loved you but I meant it in the sense of friends." I said.
"No, you didn't, you said, and I quote: "I'm in love with a madwoman""
"You got me there." I said. "I did say that but I meant it as a joke. I couldn't possibly love you, you like The Frog Chorus." I continued, hoping that she would let it drop and not spoil the nice time we were having just being with each other.
"That's a shame." She said after a few minutes of silence.
"Why?" I enquired.
"Because being loved by you sounds like a great way to live." She said.

She drew me close to Her and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. "You're a really nice guy Ross... Things are complicated at the moment. I enjoy your company but there are things you don't know about me... I'm in a strange place in my life just now... I'm... I'm... I don't know what I am..." She said.

I put my finger to Her lips and quietened her. "Shhh." I said and pulled Her close to me. I kissed Her and She responded by hugging me close and running Her fingers across my back. I ran my fingers through her Hair and closed my eyes. The sun set behind the hills of Fife but in my mind I could see the sun burning bright thousands of miles away in the early evening light.

We left Crammond and headed back to the main road so we could jump in a taxi and I could make sure She got home alright. In the Taxi on the way to Her house she once more cuddled into me and closed her eyes. We arrived in Her street and I shook Her gently to wake Her from her nap. "You're home." I said.

"I'd ask you to come up but I don't think it'd be a good idea." She said. "My flatmate might have something to say about me bringing you home with me." She continued.
"It's OK, I'll see you tomorrow at work." I said and leaned in to give Her a small kiss goodbye.
She pulled back from me and I felt that She wasn't able to kiss me goodbye. I let it go, She got out of the taxi and I watched Her walk towards the entrance to Her stair.

As She turned to close the door to Her stairway She looked at me in the back of the taxi, blew me a kiss and mouthed "See you tomorrow." I told the taxi driver my home address and sat in a daze all the way there.

I'd met; Her; She; The One.

The sun shone down...

Onto the few thousand tourists that had paid to visit the Zoo that day. And it also shone down on me, even though I hadn't paid the entry price.

I'd got the day off of work, and had nothing better to do, so I'd decided to take a wander around the Zoo. I didn't know if She was going to be working but She wasn't the only person I got on with at work. Sure, She was the only one I'd have moved mountains for but seeing Her wasn't my sole reason to pop in...

I wandered through the entrance hall to the Zoo, waved a hello to whatever halfwit was on duty and walked towards the exit door. Much to the disgust of people who were queuing patiently with their screaming kids. "Fucking tourists." I thought, as one imbecile in the queue asked why I hadn't paid to get in. The halfwit on duty behind the cash desk informed the imbecile that I was staff and didn't have to pay to get in. "I'll need to get a job here." He said.
"I'm sure there's a spare cage for you." I said, loud enough so that he heard it and continued on my way.

I trudged up the hill, made my way to the Members House and slid in through the back door that lead into the staff canteen. The usual strange smell was emanating from the kitchen so I popped my head around the door and said hi to it. It was Alex, the chef.

"How goes it Alex?" I asked.
"I thought you were off today?" He inquired, as he removed his head from the fridge. Not that he kept his head in the fridge you understand, Alex may have been King of the weirdo's but he wasn't that talented when it came to body part removal/restoration.
"I am." I answered. "I only came in so that I could, once more, experience the joys and delights that is your cooking." I continued with just a hint of sarcasm.
"Did you watch WWF last night?" He asked.

I decided that it was best to keep on Alex's side as he had a more insane look in his eyes than usual. "I watched a wee bit in between the motorcycle racing on Eurosport." I answered. Alex was a hardcore wrestling fan who was constantly talking about it and, on one occasion, even went as far as choke slamming one of the staff because he had made the mistake of asking if Alex had washed his hands before beginning cooking.

Alex's eyebrows wiggled as if to show he knew something I didn't. "Wait 'til you see what I've got." He said, bending down to reach into the pocket of his jacket that had been thrown under the service counter. "It's too cool." He said.

I wondered if this was another one of those days when Alex had decided it was a good idea to bring in one of his gun collection but held my nerve. I knew Alex too well to think that he'd intentionally do my harm. Unintentionally, I wasn't so sure. And then he showed me what he had in his jacket.

I jumped backwards, skidding on the tiled floor of the kitchen and clattered against the doorway. "Holy fucking Jesus! You could have had my fucking eye out with that bastard!" I said, watching the long sharp edge of a hunting knife flash before me. It had at least nine inches of blade and three inches of ivory as a handle. The back of the knife had a serrated edge that looked like you could cut down a tree with it.

Alex laughed and flicked the knife over in the air and caught the blade as though he'd done so before a million times. Which, I knew, he had. The scars on his hand were proof. I took a hold of the knife and felt it's weight.

"Holy shit man, if you don't manage to stab the polar bear to death with that you could always beat the fucker to death. Where on God's green and blue did you get that from?" I said, keeping going the running joke that we had between us. The running joke about him wanting a fight to the death against the polar bear. At least I think it was a joke. I hoped to god that it was as Alex and I had the same kind of mind when we were drinking. The dangerous kind. The kind that didn't really register that it might be just a tad silly to go shooting at the Braids after necking a bottle of scotch each.

"My brother in law brought it back for me from Morocco." He said. I decided not to ask anything more as Alex may only have acted like a madman but I'd met his brother in law and knew he wasn't as together as Alex was. A couple of months previously Alex, his brother in law and I had went camping a few miles outside Penicuik and I'd watched in drunken amazement as he smashed empty whisky bottles against his head and took punch after punch from Alex. Just for fun...

"It's a beauty man, pity it's a show knife." I said, as I ran my thumb over the edge of the blade to show him the lack of a sharp edge. "I know. That's why I borrowed the steel and the oilstone from the big kitchen. You're going to sharpen it for me." He said, as I handed the knife back to him and he stuffed it back into his jacket.

"I'm what?" I asked.
"I want you to put an edge on it for me. I'm shit at sharpening knives and you do all the knives for the chefs upstairs. I figured you could do this one." He said.
"If I sharpen that fucking thing you're likely to cut your legs off just playing with the bugger." I said. He promised that he wasn't going to use it for anything other than skinning rabbits that he regularly went shooting for. "Ok man, I'll do it tomorrow." I said.

I told Alex I'd see him later and popped upstairs to see Louise. Lou was the office junior and she was someone I got on well with. I stopped by the office and spoke to Lou for a while about trivial matters and she asked me if I had came in to see her. Or Her.
"I don't know if she's in today." I said.
"That'd be a first. You've checked the rota everyday for the last month just to see if she's going to be working or not. I know, I've seen you, you're like a lovesick kid. It's the talk of the department. Shit, you've been in every day she's been in regardless of whether or not you've been working." She said.
"Jealous?" I asked.
"Fuck off." Lou said smiling.
"I think you are." I said.
"No, I mean fuck off, the boss is on his way in." She said.

I took the hint and told her I'd see her later on. "I'll get you at lunchtime." Lou said as I walked out of the front door of the members house. "She's in kiosk two!" Lou shouted as the door was closing behind me. And it was kinda nice that she did, as I'd have quite a walk ahead of me trailing around the kiosks trying to find Her. I headed up the hill past the Rhino enclosure and waved a hello to the keeper that was busy trying to get the rhino to come out of it's pen and not be gored to death in the process.

I walked along the pavement towards kiosk 2 and saw that there was a lengthy queue of parents and children screaming at each other. Usually it was something along the lines of "Want that one; Not getting that one; Want that one; Not getting that one; Want that one wahhhh; Stop making a scene; Waaaaaaant thaaaaaat one! Ok, but don't ask me for anything later on.

I pushed open the door of the kiosk and quickly slipped inside before a kid thought it was a door to a magical kingdom where sweets and crisps were free and wandered in behind me. As several had on previous occasions.

I saw Her standing looking flustered and stressed out at the baying horde of kids and parents and smiled when She turned around and looked at me with desperation in her beautiful eyes. "Oh, jaysus, save me!" She said in that accent of Hers that turned me to jelly. "I can't handle this, oh Jaysus." She continued to plead.

After about fifteen minutes we managed to get rid of all the customers by working together. I'd had more experience in the kiosks than She had and had the technique down to a tee. Sell to the parents through the kids. Wave high priced ice cream and sweets and watch the parents cave in to the screams of their children quicker than they would if the local Catholic Priest was fisting them in the pulpit of the church, during Sunday mass. The queue gone, I opened the fridge and grabbed two cans of Pepsi. I handed one to Her as I opened the other one and took a large drink.
"Hey you, I'm responsible for the stock in here. If I'm two cans short I'll have to pay." She said.
"Then don't mark the stock down as short. Just fill in the stock as though you had two more cans than you actually do, everyone does it." I said, looking at her and smiling.

I hung around shooting the breeze about nothing in particular for an hour or so and helping out when a queue formed. As I stood, or sat as the case may be, chatting about things we had in common; She liked art house Movies, I'd seen Back to the Future 26 times; She liked to read classical literature, I'd read almost every Doctor Who book in existence thanks to my brother being a mad mentalist when it came to all things Whovian.

Listening to Her tell me about all that She wanted in life I realised something. I realised that I wanted to know what drove Her. What made Her want to fill her life with wondrous experiences when all I really wanted out of life was to make her smile. Smile that wonderful smile. Laugh that lovely laugh. What made Her sparkle so? And I wanted to spend the rest of my life learning the answers to those questions.

When Chris came to give Her her lunch break I walked down to the staff canteen and hung around chatting with Alex while she ate her lunch. The rest of the staff on duty that day stood chatting and slagging each other off and I would join in the banter whenever I felt it was deserved. After Her lunch was finished and we'd had a sat on the grass in the suntrap that was the members gardens I walked Her back to Her kiosk and told her I hoped we could spend more time together. And then She broke my heart.

"You know I've got a boyfriend Ross." She said, smashing my heart into atoms and scattering them across the universe.

I remember it as a beautiful night...

Even though it was pissing it down. Hard.

The rain was bouncing off the pavement and pinging off the cars that were parked in the Grassmarket. I was soaked within seconds of getting out of the taxi but didn't care. I don't think I'd have been bothered at all if there was giant balls of burning rock falling from the sky, I was going to see Her.

A group of us had arranged to meet in the Black Bull, to celebrate a work colleague leaving to go touring around Europe for six months, and I had managed to persuade her to come along. She'd tried her level best to refuse as she knew that I was utterly, hopelessly and totally besotted with her. She'd told me "Things are complicated." the previous time we'd all been together in the pub after work and had asked me to drop it so that we could be friends without all the unnecessary implications of me declaring my undying love for her.

I stood outside the pub shielding a cigarette from the rain and pondered what to do. I knew if I had a couple of drinks I'd give in to my inner voice and would throw open my heart to her and risk upsetting her. Again. And I didn't want to upset her, I only ever wanted to make her happy.

The question spun around and around in my head. I ignored it, finished my cigarette and walked into the pub. My group of friends were all sat at a table just inside the doors and when I was spotted they all began to laugh at the sight of me wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans that were wet enough to wash an elephant.

She wasn't in the company and my heart sank quicker than the Titanic. Louise called out to me that there was a kitty behind the bar, that I should throw some cash into it, get a drink and join them. I took another cigarette out and lit it as I walked to the bar. The barmaid smiled at me and asked what I was having. I told her I'd have a large Scotch and lemonade and another one to keep it company, that the change from the £20 note was to go into the kitty for our table and that if she put ice in my drink I'd make sure she didn't get any tips from our table the rest of the time we were there.

The barmaid stared at me with barely hidden disgust and went to get my drinks. I leaned over the bar and grabbed a glass-cloth from behind the counter and began drying my hair with it. The barman on duty asked me what I thought I was doing and I asked him what he thought I was doing. "It looks like you're drying your hair with our glasses towel." He replied.
"Then why the fuck did you ask?" I replied and continued drying myself off.

A couple of seconds later the barmaid returned with my drinks and I sank one straight away. The other I carried over to the table and plonked it down on the table next to Louise. Louise leaned over to me and whispered into my ear, "She's coming."

"How do you know?" I asked.
"I spoke to her just before she left work." She replied.
"And what did she say?" I questioned.
"She said that she likes you Ross, but the timing is all wrong. She's got a boyfriend. They're having some problems at the moment and they want to try to work it out. You, my romantic little friend, are the proverbial spanner in the works." She said, with a look of caring on her face.
"When will she be here?" I asked.
"About fifteen minutes." Louise answered.
"I need another drink." I said, picking up my glass and draining it.

I returned to the table after draining two more large Scotch and lemonades while standing at the bar being stared at by the barman as though I'd told him I'd fucked his mother up the arse with an over sized dildo. I sat down next to Murray and told him I would be sad to see him go and apologised to him for pouring a five gallon drum of cold chipfat mixed with food coloring all over him earlier that day. He grinned the happy smile of someone who is already half drunk and surrounded by friends who have gathered to wish him well. "It's fine man, but you owe me a shirt." He said, laughing.

The door to the pub opened and I immediately turned to see if it was her. I saw a young couple walk in and watched with a sinking heart as the door closed behind them. Perhaps she had decided not to come and risk confusing herself more than she already was.

The door reached it's final resting place and settled shut. My eyes flicked to see Louise looking at me. She mouthed the word "Sorry." and smiled at me in sympathy. I flicked my eyebrows and hoped that Louise couldn't see the sadness in my eyes.

The door to the pub opened again and in walked a few more of the group that had said they would meet us in the Black Bull. Shilo announced her arrival by screaming in her Australian accent "Where's the fucking beer?" She sprang over to the table, lifted a pint off the table and took a large drink.

Graham began to protest that that was his pint but was rapidly quiet once again when Shilo told him to "Shut the fuck up you fucking poof, get yourself another one." She added "And get me another one while you're there." as an afterthought.

Kevin, Chris and about three or four others, whose names I've forgotten over time, said hello and sat down at the table. Graham was given instructions by Shilo to get everyone a drink from the kitty and he walked to the bar mumbling under his breath. "Jeez, that boy's fucking useless at work but he makes a good barmonkey." Shilo said, as she began laughing.

Half an hour later our table was filled with upwards of twentyfive people and the bar was filled with laughter, screams and streams of abuse from Shilo and I. Shilo was a great girl, as Australian as a Koala bear and as mouthy as an Aussie bricklayer, with a heart of gold. She and I instantly hit it off, when on her first day I'd jokingly asked if she fucked on first dates or did her Dad own a brewery, and we had been friends ever since.

In one of her quiet seconds, when she wasn't taking the piss out of someone, she asked me the question that she knew I was expecting from her. "Is she coming?" She posed. I told her that Louise had spoken to her just before work had finished and she had indicated that she was coming. I added that I didn't think she would come as it was all too complicated.

"You're a right Romeo ain't you Ross? You wanna do what us Aussies do, just tell her you wanna fuck her and forget about all that romance bullshit." Shilo said, but added an apology to me quietly so that no one would hear her admit to a soft side. I thanked her and told her if she didn't get me another drink I'd tell everyone what she had just said and would ruin her reputation. "Graham you soppy little cunt! Get the fucking round in!" She shouted and squeezed my shoulder.

Just as Graham returned with the final tray of drinks from the bar and sat down, she walked in. The table went silent, as every looked from me to her, and was only broken only by Shilo yelling at Graham to get her a drink or she'd rip his balls off.

She was standing just inside the door and looked, to me, as beautiful as anything I had ever seen in my life. Her shoulder length, raven black, hair hung in loose wet curls and water dripped from her lips as it slid down her face making it look like she was crying. Her deep brown eyes twinkled like a distant star gone supernova and her smile made my heart beat so loud that I was sure she could hear it over the general hubub of the pub.

She said hi to everyone around the table as she pulled off her wet jacket and hung it on the back of a chair. Her eyes met mine and I smiled. She smiled at me and took her seat, joining in the conversation that had continued after the silence had been broken by Shilo's outburst.

The night wore on and she and I had managed to go at least two hours without talking to each other directly. We'd talked to each other if it involved the general chatter but hadn't directly spoke. We'd smiled at each other, or, to be more precise I'd smiled at her and she had looked at me with her sparkling eyes like I was a lost puppy.

I was still powering down the Scotch and lemonades and everyone else was getting to the point where they would go from laughing to yelling at each other in genuine rage and then laughing again. Arguments sprang forth about trivial matters and each of us voiced our opinions, despite some of the looks we were getting from other people who had chosen to have a quiet beer in the same pub as us.

By this time Murray was totally out of his gourd. He'd gone from pints to Pernod and Coke to double Jack Daniels and ice. The rest of the table wasn't much better. Someone suggested we decant from the pub and head around the corner to a nightclub called The Mission. The general consensus was that as we were on a mission ourselves the club sounded ideal so we threw on our coats, yelled to the bar staff to keep the rest of the kitty, left the pub and walked around the corner.

As we walked She came over to me and took my arm. "Hello." She said in her sweet Irish lilt.
"Hello." I said, kissing her hand gently.
"How are ya?" She asked.
"I'm surprisingly good now I've got a hold of something solid, something real." I replied.
"Yer maun looks like he's having a nice time." She said, pointing out Murray who was being carried along the road by Shilo and Kevin.
"Well, we like to send friends away with happy memories when they leave the Zoo. Even if those memories are only revealed to them through people telling them what they did. It's kind of a tradition." I said.

We arrived at The Mission and were told by the bouncers that we weren't going to be allowed in tonight as there was too many of us and Murray was plastered. I asked if I could speak to the manager in the vain hope that he was gullible enough to fall for the old "I want to speak to the Organ Grinder and not his monkey" routine and was told by the bouncer that the manager wasn't in.

"Look mate," I said, stepping into the doorway to get out of the rain that was dripping off the gutters far above and whispered into his ear. "The almost upright coma victim has just found out that his old girlfriend was killed in a massive car accident and we've decided to try to get his mind of it for a while. I will personally be held responsible if anything happens with our party, my name is John Anderson and I'm the Manager of the Catering Department at Edinburgh Zoo."

He looked down at me, he was a good foot and a half taller than I was, and apologised but there was nothing he could do. I reached into my pocket and held out two complimentary tickets to the Zoo that I had been given and offered them to him. "That's about thirty quids worth of tickets there if you take your family for out for a day to the Zoo man. Deal?" I said.

He looked at the tickets in my hand, taking a second to decide that he may be able to score some serious brownie points from his other half with a day at the Zoo and took them from me.
"No trouble, OK?" He said.
"If there is man, you can not only go to the Zoo for a day out but you can personally punch my head in." I said, knowing that I could handle the unruly, yet highly friendly, mob of drunkards that was practically frothing at the mouth behind me.

We headed into the club and took over a raised seating area, thanks to the bouncer telling the people that were seated there that we were VIP's and they were to find somewhere else to sit.

The evening wore on and all around me my co-workers got increasingly drunk by sitting drinking, or increasingly dizzy from dancing to the hits and horrors of the DJ. As I'm not a dancer I sat and chatted with anyone who was in a conversational mood and kept an eye on Murray, who despite being absolutely out of his mind on drink, was still attempting to drink more.

As the music changed, from dancing around like a loon music to snuggling up with your chosen clinch, She came over and sat next to me. She placed her petite hand upon my leg and smiled at me. "Ross, I'm very very drunk." She said,
"I'm not. I'm sat here with enough Scotch in me to kill a donkey but I'm still sober." I said.
"How?" She asked.
"Because I've been trying not to tell you what you know I want to... If that makes sense. Call it sobriety through stress." I said, taking a large drink from one of the two glasses in front of me. The lemonade had been decreasing in the measure steadily all night and by this time I was practically drinking straight scotch, and yet I couldn't feel the burn of the scotch in my throat.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." She said, suddenly. "I'm going back to Ireland, I'm going to finish my uni course there and yer maun and I are going to try to patch things up." I knew what she meant, as she had poured her heart out to me a couple of weeks previously. I looked into those deep brown oceans that were her eyes and told her that she didn't have to go back. "Stay here." I said. "With me."

"I can't. He loves me." She said, her eyes filling with fluid as though she was on the brink of tears. "Do you love him?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm just not sure if I'm in love with him. She replied.
"If you're not sure then you aren't." I said, stating what I thought was the logical thing.

"It's not that simple Ross... I have feelings for you and I have feelings for him, I'm falling in love with you but him and I have a history that I can't just walk away from." She said. The music in the club was off of our register and we heard nothing but each others voices as normality continued all around, but somehow apart, from us.

We inhabited the same space on the earth as about a hundred other people but we were not sharing the same place in the universe as they were. We floated on a different plane. Time meant nothing to me in that moment, space was merely an idea. The planets still spun and the sun still burned somewhere in the solar system but it was as though these things were no longer real.

"Did you say you're falling in love with me?" I asked.
"Yes, and that's why I have to go. I owe him the chance." She replied.
"And if it doesn't work out? Will you come back?" I asked.
"Please don't ask me that." She said.
"Why?" I enquired.

She looked directly into my eyes and I saw deep into her soul. I sensed that her heart was being torn into millions of tiny pieces by the situation and my heart broke knowing that I was partly the cause of such heartache. Our lips moved towards each others and we kissed.

As her lips gently touched mine my heart stopped. Inside my heart I knew that I could love this woman for the rest of eternity and it still wouldn't be long enough. The walls of the club floated out of vision and stars began twinkling in the suddenly and secretly revealed sky above us. Time stood still.

In the space of a nanosecond I saw it all. I saw our life together flash before my eyes. I saw many years of a life I would never live on this existential plane, many days of sleeping late on Sundays and making love all day, many decades of watching our children grow up, many months of happiness huddled in each others arms, many scenes, scenarios and sunsets that we would share. Together.

The kiss ended, my heart started beating again and reality flooded back. The walls of the club melted back into view and the stars that previously shone so brightly disappeared to be replaced by the house lights. I looked around and saw that the club was almost empty. Murray was passed out on the seat opposite, Shilo and Kevin were holding each other up, Graham was attempting to chat up a female member of staff and I was sitting wondering what had happened.

Shilo screamed across the dance floor. "It's five thirty in the fucking morning. I need to go home, I'm working at eight... Jeez I'm fucked." She turned to Kevin and said "Take me home and fuck my brains out you big fucking stud." Kevin replied to this by shouting Taxi at the top of his lungs.

As Kevin and Shilo walked to the exit I turned and looked at Murray. "I guess we have the job of getting this animal home." I said. I pulled Murray out of the chair and hauled him as upright as possible. A difficult task given that it was like carrying a blow up sex doll filled with water.

We left the club in the early light of morning and flagged down a passing taxi. I heaved Murray into the back of the cab, held the door open for Her and sat down behind the driver. I told the driver where we were going explaining that we were dropping the drunk off first and then we were headed to the colonies just off of Slateford Road.

We dropped Murray off by placing him on the doorstep of his house and drove towards Slateford Road. In the back of the cab She and I cuddled into each other silently. I couldn't think of what to say and she, I think didn't know what to say that could make this all easier for either of us.

The taxi pulled up to the curb and we got out. I paid the taxi driver and turned to face Her. As I looked at this raven haired Irish beauty shivering in the chill of early morning I knew I would remember this moment until the day I died.

"Do you want to come up for a coffee?" She asked. "He'd like to meet you."
"Pardon me?" I asked.
"He knows that we were going out tonight, I told him." She said.
"Ohh God." I said, wondering if he had seen the taxi pulling up and was, at this moment, making his way down the stairs with a mind to kick the living shit out of me. I knew he was capable of physical violence. "Don't worry, he doesn't hit men. They have a tendency to hit back." She said, reading my thoughts.

"So why does he want to meet me? I'd punch him in the head before I shook hands with him." I said. She looked at me with sadness in her eyes and I apologised for my seemingly lack of feeling towards her fragile state. "It bothers me that he did what he did. I can't help it." I continued.

"I think he'd feel better if you did. He knows he went too far and thinks if he gets punished that it'll all be fine with us again. But it won't. It'll just give him an excuse to do it again." She said, as I watched the stair door just in case.

I looked deep into her eyes and told her the thing that I had wanted to tell her. "I love you more than any man has ever loved any woman. I'd die for you, I'd kill for you and I'd walk a million miles to get to you if you want me." Then I turned and walked away.

Even now I am reminded of Her. I catch a glimpse of a petite raven haired woman and my heart skips a beat as the feelings I had for her flash and flood back into my heart. The small voice in my head asks the question "Is that Her?" and is always disappointed.

To Claire.

To kiss your lips, so soft and sweet
To bow with penitence at your feet
worshiping you like a goddess,
I longed to feel your loving caress.

I wish I felt you touch my hair,
to reach for you and feel you there.
Your hand in mine, joined forever.
Through sunny days and stormy weather.