What a Cnut.

This birthday greeting is a bit belated but I'm sure Madge will forgive me. I'm too lovable to be mad at for long.

I happily reported that I had reached and breached the 9,000th visitor to this blog. It would seem that I have created a monster as I have just checked my stats again and I'm halfway towards my 10,000th visitor. As a special treat to the 10,000th visitor I think I'll donate a prize or something to whomever it is that breaks the 10,000 barrier. Nothing extravagant like a holiday to Antigua, which wouldn't be fair if the 10,000th visitor happens to live in Antigua, just something simple like an exclusive one-off T-Shirt designed by me. If that doesn't make you want to sit and click away like a Newton's cradle gone demented then I don't know what will.

What the hell Michael "Hide the children" Jackson is thinking about if the rumours that he is to re-invent himself as a rapper are true. Picture the scene... The MTV Award show starts with a dry-ice filled stage. Lights of many colours shine through the fog as the music begins. Michael lays down his rap to the tune of " Baby got back " by Sir Mix-A-Lot... ♫♪ I like young cock and I cannot lie, You other perverts can't deny, when a kiddy walks in with a itty bitty waist and a big smile on his face, I get sprung, wanna show him my cum. 'cos you he needs some pop star, deep in the jeans he's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh, kiddy I wanna get wit ya and take some pictures. The supreme's star tried to warn me, but the ass they've got makes, Ooo, Me so horny Ooh jerk my smooth skinned I'd love to get in your bend So use me, sue me 'cos you aint the average groupie. I've seen him dancin, To hell with romancin He...

Barry Scott, star of TV's Cillit Bang ad campaign, is to star as "Flash" Harry in a modern day remake of the 1954 classic movie The Belles of St Trinians . The director of the remake is rumored to be Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan, a little known Ukrainian director whose only directing experience came last year when he was asked to do the Ukrainian version of the Cillit Bang commercial. Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan told a reporter that he was "Moore dan hippy to be doink of the filming of ze moofee. Pearhops know eye vill be abill to be maykink ze feelm eye haff dreamened off maykink sinks eye vas a yung bouy abowt der live of der moist faymouse Ukranian in der vorld." When asked who the most famous Ukrainian in the world was Mr Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan screamed at the reporter in Ukrainian and stormed out of the interview. Later, the reporter was informed by a kindly Ukrainian maid that the most famous Ukrainian in the world was, in Gus Van Gusvan Goosefans opinion, Andy Wa...

♫ Where did you go? Where did you go? ♫ Far away, never to return. Or so I thought... This post will make sense to only a few people. But that's not important. What is important is that for once something I thought I'd lost forever came back to me.

Taken the fall for someone else? Of course you have. We all have, at some point or another. Whether it was taking the blame for something minor or something major, we've all been the sacrificial lamb that gladly hopped onto the chopping block. I once took the fall for a friend. And lost a friend because of it... Kinda. Allow me to explain... Once upon a time there was a girl whom I cared a lot about. She had a boyfriend. A friend of mine beat him up. Selah, so it goes. I got blamed for it. Selah, so it went. For more than a month this girl didn't talk to me. All I got was icy stares and accusations, the cold shoulder and the colder heart. I tried to tell her it wasn't me who beat her boyfriend up. Sorry, no reply. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't beat her boyfriend up just because he was her boyfriend . Sorry, not listening. I wanted to tell her that I couldn't have beat her boyfriend up, I loved her too much to cause her pain by proxy. Sorry, still not listenin...

The reasons for the previous post may not be entirely clear to all of you lot out there in webland. Allow me to straighten things up... I've had 9000 visitors. There, now you know.

N u m b e r 9 0 0 0 N u m b e r 9 0 0 0 N u m b e r 9 0 0 0 N u m b e r 9 0 0 0 The visitations amount to more climbing through the virtual door. # 9 0 0 0 # 9 0 0 0 # 9 0 0 0 Number 9 0 0 1 John is dead Am I the Walrus? Close the door on the way out... 9 0 0 2

The next few days will be spent watching a few DVD's. Black Books. Series 2 & Series 3. Billy Connelly. Bites Yer Bum Live and Hand Picked by Billy. Peter Kay's Pheonix Nights. Series 1 & 2. The Office. Series 2. (Even though I can't stand Ricky Gervais.) Peter Kay. "Genius!" Mystery Men . I watched both series of Black Books last night but will be watching them both again, commentary on, to hear more of the wit and wisdom of Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey .

Valentino Rossi secured his fifth successive world title, in the premier class of motorcycle racing, earlier today when he finished second to Loris Capirossi in the Malaysian GP. In a press release Valentino commented; "I am very happy because I gave more than 100% in the race today. We have been in trouble all weekend and this morning I wasn't sure if I would finish on the podium. But I got a good start and rode a clever race whilst other riders seemed nervous and made mistakes. Little by little I moved to the front and I felt comfortable with the bike. I passed Hayden and then swapped positions with Capirossi a couple of times, but in the last seven laps he changed gear and I couldn't go with him. Anyway, I am World Champion for the seventh time, which is incredible! Last year was a bit of a surprise but this time everybody was out to beat me. I want to thank all my mechanics, Jerry, the engineers... everybody who works for Yamaha!"

The Womb have just released a new song. It's called "I Disown My Country" and you can get it free by clicking here and downloading it.

Jump. A couple of years ago I did a 10,500 ft tandem skydive to raise money for Maggies Cancer Centre and I'm in the mood to do so again. So, just this minute I have sent for the necessary forms to do a charity jump for the Seeds For Africa Charity . My decision to take the plunge for this charity is mostly due to the fact that Seeds For Africa helps people in Mozambique. A country which I visited earlier this year when I went to stay with my cousin Steve for a month. When I receive the details I'll see about setting up some sort of account so that anyone who visits this blog can contribute to the funds for this. Every penny counts and all that.

Who attracts lunatics, weirdo's and freaks? If so then why not advertise your ability with a cool hooded top? Or how about a nice long sleeved shirt to keep out the cold? Available in all sizes and in many different colors and styles. Click here to see them or to purchase one .

To being a millionaire. I have sold another one of my "Trust me, I'm a Doctor." T-Shirts. Should you wish to buy one then please click here and do so.

There's nothing quite like a nice long lie in your bed. And this morning I had nothing quite like a long lie in my bed. At 7am the sun came streaming through my bedroom window and shocked me into awakening from a rather nice lucid dream , which for some reason I can't recall at the moment. Perhaps I'll remember the details of it later. Perhaps not, who knows? I've been lucid dreaming every night for the last week and I'm sure that the reason for this is that I have not been smoking myself into a ganja induced coma before I hit the sheets. If this is the case I think I'll stop smoking as much ganja as I do on a regular basis. Lucidity in my dreams is far more fun than sleeping the sleep of the dead. In one of the lucid dreams I've had in the last week I discovered that I could fly like a bird. Though not exactly like a bird, they have to flap their wings. All I had to do was to think, with total commitment and belief, that I could fly and lo and behold... We ...

Just a small list of what I've been listening to over the last week or so. K T Tunstall. Eye to the telescope. George Carlin. Back in Town. George Carlin. 7 Words you can't say on TV. Richard Pryor. Greatest Hits. Richard Pryor. Is it something I said? Jack Johnston. Brushfire Fairytales. Ana Gabriel & Vicky Carr. Amiga. Robin Williams. Live on Broadway.

The Anti-Christ has come. Prepare for the end of days... It's dark here. Very dark. There are ominous looking clouds in the sky. The wind is whistling through the boughs of the trees, creating noises that sound like the low whine of the undead. Will the sun rise tomorrow? Was today the last time we shall see the sun? Was today the day that brought the coming of the beast? Read all about it by clicking here... Rumors are that his name is Sean..

I have an urge to go out drinking with Stephen Hawkings . I can just imagine Steve and I partaking of a few... Me with a bottle of Stroh rum in my hand and Steve with a bottle of whatever he wants to drink duck-taped onto the end of his feeding straw. That's the kind of thing to brag about. It's certainly on a higher level than any drunken story that has been wheeled out in the pub. I'd even go so far as to say it would be a mind altering experience. Picture the scene... It's late on a Tuesday night somewhere in Edinburgh. A full moon peeps through milky white clouds. The shadow of a drunk passes over the face of a wall. A strange voice grates onto the, unhearing, ears of the night... "Show-me-the-way-to-go-home-I'm-tired-and-I-want-to-go... Taxi! Oh-shit-I-missed-it. Never mind Hawkings, my good friend, we'll get the next one... Are you alright there Davros ? How are you getting on with that kebab? Do you want me to wipe the drool off you? Ahahaha. An IQ s...

How's that for a snappy title? I think it's nice for a small posting to inform you of the latest, and I think rather groovy, Google search engine. Google Blog Search .

And will you be in the general area of Leith? If you are perhaps you'd like to go to an arts fair. Why not drop in.

I've been thinking about national pride over the last few days and I've come to the conclusion that being proud of your country is retarded From an early age nationalistic pride is pumped into your mind and you're forced to swallow it like a cumslut in a cheap porno movie. You're taught the anthem, shown the flag and told to salute them both. And don't think for a second that I didn't swallow it either. Oh no, I ate that shit up with a smile on my face and asked for more. I waved the flag, sung the songs and tattooed my arm to prove it. But what's the reason? Why is it that you should be proud of the place where your parents got jiggy with it once upon a time? Well, it's because it's easier to control a population when they're divided. It's an old Roman trick called Divide and Conquer . You've no doubt heard of it. If not then read this , and for the love of God stop jerking off to porn and use the computer in front of you for what it...

During the Festival, Edinburgh is alive with people from all over the world taking in the sights and sounds of this fair city. Tourists, journalists, comedians, artists and performers can be seen in many of the coffee houses and pubs. The city bursts to life in a dazzling array of colors and sounds that would make a synesthesia sufferer think someone had spiked his lemonade with LSD. This year saw a strange lack of the usual energy that drives Edinburgh for the month of August. The stream of people making their way around the city centre had lost its similarity to an insanely colored Chinese dragon and had dwindled to looking as though it is no more than an average sunny day in Edinburgh. There were, of course, just as many shows on this year and the ubiquitous luvvies in garish costumes still gathered on the high street. Whether touting the latest innovative and daring adaptation of Frankenstein, or handing out flyers for shows, they were there. Bright shirts and bright smiles all rou...

Ok ladies here's your chance. The writer of this blog, which is me, is in need of female company. I've been single for almost five years now. Five long years. Five years, where the only sexual contact has been with either their hand or a hollowed out melon, isn't good for a man. Strange things can happen when you go that long without sex. And I blame myself. Really I do. It's entirely my fault. Oh sure, there was a small outside influence in my Ex-girlfriend breaking my heart and leaving a hole so big I could feel the wind blow through it, but generally I'm to blame. The problem is I'm too honest. When someone asks my opinion, and often when they don't, I let them know my exact feelings. There's no skirting around the edges of the subject, no sitting in the shallow end of the debate, no fucking around on the fringes of politeness, it's engage brain and let loose. But the thing is that women generally don't like real honesty. Nope, they prefer t...

Film Directors, when they seek to set the mood for a scene, often use music to evoke a certain emotional state. Whether it's to increase the tension that you feel, or to get you on the edge of your seat before the ax wielding maniac pops out from the bedroom cupboard of an unsuspecting blonde and savagely murders her, music plays its part. The music that you listen to on a day to day basis can also change your emotional state. For example; Someone who listens to Bach's' Prelude in G-minor will be a calm and easy going type of person who enjoys the country air and likes to go off on a shooting weekend with mumsie and pater. Whereas a person who listens to Derek and Clive get the Horn will say "Cunt" a lot. I'm more of the latter than the former. I've never been on a shooting weekend and I can't stand Bach. But Derek and Clive? Now they're a funny pair of cunts. Ho ho... I've been listening to a lot of Derek and Clive in the last week or so to tr...

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Are you one of the legions of people who likes their movies on the bad side of shite? If so I highly recommend that you check out the Robocop movie Prime Directives . I've spent the last three days watching these movies and I can honestly say I've had more fun slamming my nuts in a door. Poorly acted and terribly written would be considered praise. If you've ever wondered how you would feel having lost 375 minutes of your life grab the popcorn and sit down to this movie. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Hundreds of people have been killed in the Gulf in the last few days. And for a change it's not the Gulf in the middle east that's the killing ground. It's closer to home for George W Warmonger this time... The devastation in the southern states of the USA has brought about many commentaries from all parts of the world as to why its taking so long to get assistance to those in need. The Mayor of New Orleans' impassioned statement demonstrated the human spirit in action whereas the actions of the President and Government agencies fall sadly short of sufficient. To hear the Mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, call for assistance Click here . To help those in need Click here . To impeach George W Bush Click here .

♫♪♫♪ You're out of the woods, You're out of the dark, You're out of the night. Step into the sun, step into the light ♫♪♫♪ And so begins a new day. All jolly and bright. Well, dark actually as it's 1:30 AM. Gone are all thoughts of my previous depression. The cloud that hung over me is gone and the fog has lifted. Joy to the world! Hallelujah! Praise be to our lord Jesus Christ... Don't worry, I'm just kidding, I aint gone all religious on you so you can stop panicking.

At 11am this morning I rose from my bed and smiled at the bright new day ahead of me. My depression had vanished mysteriously during the night and I was ready to face the world again. I popped the kettle on and had a coffee while I booted up the PC to check my E-Mail. After I deleted the fifteen E-Mails offering me Viagra at very low prices I pulled on a t-shirt and went to work tidying up my apartment. Whistling happily to myself I got tore in. About an hour and a half later I grabbed a towel and headed into the bathroom to have a shower. I stepped into the warmth of the water, reached for my razor, and began shaving. Which was when I saw it... My first grey hair. In a moment of disbelief I did a double take. Then yelled. "What the fuck! A grey hair!" I stood staring into the mirror and cursed like a trooper with tourettes. I threw scorn and derision upon all the people in my life that could have told me that when you see your first grey hair you almost shit yourself. As I ...