I'm sat in Stabucks...

And there’s a poor fucker behind me being grilled by starbucks executive types and by god he’s flapping. Stuttering is not an option in situations like this, the ability to bullshit is.

In situations like this the ability to pad out sentences is a godsend. Why say “If we waste water it’s bad for the environment.” when you can wax lyrical like Bob Geldof during live aid. “If we waste even a tablespoon of water it dramatically effect the lives of every man, woman and child on the planet, for gods sake, people are fucking dying man!”

You can take this tactic too far though. Decrying the global machine that is Starbucks, leaping up and whipping out a fist to lay the suited and booted exec on his ass may be taking things to the limit.

Sure, it’s probably satisfying beyond words but you’ll not find a payrise notice at your workstation you’ll find a pink slip.

The executive has all manner of cards and shit in front of him and he’s working well with his co-executive. “Can you give me an example of when you provided good customer care?” The empty suit asks.

“I… I… I… Erm, Eh, I once held the door open for a customer once.” The interviewee replies, badly.

I think he should be more direct. “I once refrained from popping some fuckwit in the head when he was being a dick to me. That’s good customer care right there.”

But balls to that. There’s a blonde chick who’s wiggling her foot in my direction and smiling. Have I got shit on my shirt? No, thank god. I look bad enough at the best of times without the remains of a steak bake making me look like a refugee from Kazakhstan.

I ponder for a second if she is aware that she is pointing an extremity at me but come to the conclusion she’s not. Why on gods green and blue would someone so cute be flirting by body language with me? Perhaps she’s retarded. Not terribly so that it shows on her face in that high forehead, dribbly way but enough to effect her judgement. I dunno. And right now I’m too hyper on coffee to make an approach.

Besides, I have to make a move back to A4E. I’ve had almost two hours for lunch and need to at least look like I give a shit about being there.

I feel like wishing the interviewee the best of luck with his interview with tweedledum and tweedledummer but resist as it could be taken the wrong way.

“Screw these fools man, it’s just a job. You are not your job, you are not the all singing all dancing face of starbucks. You, my friend are better than these fuckers! Fight the power and fuck the man!” may not be the best thing to tell the swine.

How I got barred from Starbucks.

Normally I don’t go into those coffeehouses that seem to be on the corner of every street these days, but as I couldn't find a greasy spoon within staggering distance of the cinema I gave into my desire for a cup of coffee and wandered into the nearest Starbucks.I made my way to the counter and was greeted in that wonderfully Americanised way by the uniformed gimp who stood with the most glaringly obvious smile that reeks of falsity.

“Welcome to Starbucks, how can I be of assistance?” She asked.
“Just a coffee please sweetheart.” I said affably.

“Would you like Cappuccino, Double Cappuccino, Espresso, Double Espresso, Americano, Caffe latte, cafe au lait, Mochacchino, Macchiato, Espresso Macchiato, Café Crème, Espresso Con Panna, frapuchino. Or maybe you’d like to sample one of our famous iced coffees?” Said the gimp.
“Just a coffee.” I said totally baffled at the list of things that she had just rattled off in one breath. There was an audible groan from behind me in the queue.

I heard someone call me an uncultured oaf but when I turned around to see who had muttered the insult there was a distinct lack of admittance from the responsible party.

“That’s called an Americano sir.” Said the assistant.
“Ok then, I'll have an Americano.” I said slowly, trying desperately not to lose my head.
“Regular, large or super size?” Asked the assistant.
“Regular please.” I replied.
“Would you like creamer in that?”
“What’s that?” I enquired.
“Whitener.” Declared the assistant.
“I'm still not with you.” I said, confused.
“Milk.” said the girl, looking at me like I was some poor animal that had been mauled by her cat and had then been dumped onto her lap as she ate her dinner.
“Oh, well why didn't you just say so?” I stated, sarcastically “Yes please, with milk.”
“And sweetener?” She enquired.
“Would that be what normal people call sugar?” I asked, slowly losing my patience.
“Yes sir, that would be sugar.” She replied, with a look of disdain on her face.
“Two sugars please.” I said, still trying to be affable about it all even though I was slowly bubbling away inside like a geyser that’s about to throw superheated water hundreds of feet into the air.

A long queue had formed and I heard a voice chime up “Today would be good.” It said.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I felt the bile rise in my throat and the blood started to course through my veins. I snapped and spun around on my heel.“ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS SAID THAT?” I bellowed. “COME ON! WHO WAS IT?”

I must have look a terrifying sight as the poor woman directly behind me jumped so far backwards that she bumped into the person behind her and very nearly caused a domino effect all the way down the queue.

“WHO SAID THAT?” I yelled at the first person whose eyes met mine.
“It came from behind me, It wasn’t me, I'm sorry, please don’t hit me.” The owner of the eyes said meekly.

A suit-wearing guy stepped forward and proudly said, “I did.”
I pointed my finger at him and let loose.

“What the fuck is your problem pal?” I said, with venom in my voice, “It’s because of soulless, ball-less, suit wearing, money grabbing, yuppie shitholes like you I have to go through five minutes of questioning and interrogation in order to get a cup of fucking coffee... Don’t even think about giving me attitude just because I don’t buy into all this crap... Shut the fuck up before I wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze until your small, insignificant, pea sized, one track mind pops out your ocular sockets.... If you don’t mind I'd like to get my coffee and get the fuck outta this place before I lose my mind and do what the rest of the herd seem to be doing and start thinking I'm a fucking American.”

I never got to hear his reply, if he had one, as I was grabbed suddenly from behind and was muscled out of the door by two burly security guards.