What a Cnut.

I have slightly neglected my fourteen (14) faithful readers by not posting anything for the last twelve (12) days and have therefore decided to take a little time tonight to let you all know what's going on in the life of me. (Yeah, I know... Boring.) I have taken the bold decision never to return to the foul piss smelling hellhole that is A4E, as it depresses the shit out of me, despite the fact I may get into all kinds of trouble from The Man for refusing to go. Fuck Da Man... Da Man can kiss my scrotal sack and call me Sven for all I care. It's not the fact that the A4E room stinks of piss , or the fact that the troglodytes spend most of their time there pissing around on Google earth, facebook or myspace , or the fact that there is a very perceptible evolutionary ladder on show , or the fact that the tutors seem more interested in getting copies of the latest DVD's from certain people* that has convinced me never again to darken their doors again... It's the fact t...

Or so I thought until the other day when I got in his car and found, for once, he wasn't listening to some blowhard on Talksport witter on about a game where eleven grown men chase an inflated pigbladder around a field, instead a tune I recognised as being modern was bouncing out the speakers and he was tapping his fingers along to the tune. My first reaction was that I was hearing The Voices again but no, my old man was listening to pop music. Amy MacDonald to be more precise. Which kinda stunned me more as she's exactly the type that I expect my old man to call Teenyboppy Shite . I remarked that it wasn't like him to listen to music made after the death of Elvis in 1977 and I hadn't ever expected him to listen to pop music unless he was at a party and had no other choice. He said, and I quote... "It's not pop music. It's Amy MacDonald." "It fuckin' is pop. It's in the charts now." I replied, knowing this to be true as I had read ab...

A new generation of riders will take to the tarmac when the new season of moto gp starts next month in sunny Qatar and to all intents and purposes it promises to be a season to remember if form is anything to go by. World champion Casey Stoner is still the man to beat but fans favourite Valentino Rossi has shown his intention in the latest pre season test in Sepang by posting the fastest laptime with an impressive 2:00.300, albeit on qualifying tyres. Nicky Hayden and Dani Pedrosa continue the factory Honda attack with an updated version of the HRC RC 212V but look to be struggling after Nicky Hayden complained the engine is down on horsepower, due to it being designed around the lighter and smaller Dani Pedrosa, and was unable to better last years laptime in Sepang. New boy Jorge Lorenzo, team mate to Valentino Rossi, has shown promise in pre season tests posting the second fastest laptime on the final lap of three days of testing in Sepang despite chronic front end problems that pre...

Here's the creative writing gig nonsense... ************** (This first exercise was to rewrite a passage on a character named Dennis, a likeable pupil in a classroom, in a negative light.) Away from school, in the pub most of the teachers called him Dennis the Menace. More often than not I simply called him “You boy.” “You boy, come here at once… “You boy, no running… “You boy, are in serious trouble… “You boy, will amount to nothing in life… On one occasion I had threatened to call him an ambulance to take him home. The cheeky little sot merely pointed out that an ambulance wasn’t the kind of vehicle likely to take someone home. “Rather more likely to take me to a hospital I’d say.” He quipped, to the amusement of his classmates. I couldn’t stand the petulant little fart but in less than two years he would be gone from my life forever more and I would be rid ...

I've searched almost every available job position available in Scotland and have sent off applications, which if current trends are consistent, will be ignored and I will climb one more rung on the "I hate employers" ladder that I have been scaling for the last year and a bit. Why is it that employers go to the effort of placing an advert online or in the newspapers don't bother replying to people who take their time to apply for them? It's not as though it's difficult. All it would take is a standardised letter to satisfy me. I'm not asking for the head cheese of the company to come around to my house and personally applogise to me for not being able to employ me, all I want is a small note stating... "Sorry, at this time we are unable to offer you a posisition. We wish you all the best in your future career and will keep your details on file should anything suitable to you arise in our company... Or words to that effect.

Like I mentioned earlier the guff for my creative writing course arrived last Saturday. Last night I sent off the first assignment to be critiqued by my tutor. It probably should have taken more than a week to do, given that the timetable set by the college is something like five weeks, but I found it to be easier than I expected and was able to rattle through it at a fair old rate and still make it as good as I could have. Part two of the course is slightly more challenging but still nowhere near as difficult as I initially thought it would be. In it I am given six topics and have to submit 250 words about two of them to the tutor. But as I am resolved to challenging myself more than the course seems to be I've decided to write 250 words about all of the subjects presented to me, if only for the practise and to keep me writing. The most interesting thing about the course is that I have evolved into a student type person. I went to the local supermarket and spent more time in the ...

I was awoken by a large envelope hitting the floor of the hallway. Contained within was all the guff for my Creative Writing course.

I've started a collaborative blog with a couple of fellow aspiring writers. It's called "A Post A Week" and can be found by clicking here .

If you ask a reformed alcoholic which drink he fears most he'll give you one answer... "The next one." And that's as true as it gets with the people in society that become dependent on a substance in order to be able to function. It's also true of me. I think. I'm not 100% sure. The reason I say that is because two months ago I resolved to pack in smoking weed and was doing quite well until three days ago when a friend of mine asked me if I wanted some orange bud. "No thanks man, I'm off that shit." I replied almost immediately. "You sure? It's the best bit of green I've had in a long time man, it'll melt your face off." He said. "Positive mate. Besides, I'm as skint as a careless childs knee." I replied. "Well, you've seen me right in the past. Have this bag to make up for the times when I've been broke and you've sorted me out." He stated, handing me the bag of green. So for the last thr...

With these eye-catching wallpapers . Or ear-grabbing Ringtones .

And there’s a poor fucker behind me being grilled by starbucks executive types and by god he’s flapping. Stuttering is not an option in situations like this, the ability to bullshit is. In situations like this the ability to pad out sentences is a godsend. Why say “If we waste water it’s bad for the environment.” when you can wax lyrical like Bob Geldof during live aid. “If we waste even a tablespoon of water it dramatically effect the lives of every man, woman and child on the planet, for gods sake, people are fucking dying man!” You can take this tactic too far though. Decrying the global machine that is Starbucks, leaping up and whipping out a fist to lay the suited and booted exec on his ass may be taking things to the limit. Sure, it’s probably satisfying beyond words but you’ll not find a payrise notice at your workstation you’ll find a pink slip. The executive has all manner of cards and shit in front of him and he’s working well with his co-executive. “Can you give me an exampl...

School may not prepare you for the real world; You know the one… Bosses, deadlines, targets, etc but it certainly prepares you for somewhere like this. Like school there are distinct groups… There are the kids who smoke illicit cigarettes behind the technical studies block… Here they smoke illicit joints a few meters away from the front door and pretend that the tutors don’t know they are all half baked at the best of times. There are the bullies… Here they aren’t the hold your head down the toilet and show you the blue goldfish type, they’re the ones who use vocalisation as a form of bullying or strength of character as a way to subvert your will. There are the school swats… The ones who kiss teachers ass and show just how good they are at doing their work. Which is kind ironic as if they were half as good at work as they claim to be they wouldn’t be here in the first place. There are the pretty girls… Who huddle in corners comparing nail varnish, the latest fashions and do nothing pr...

In this weeks Scotsman motoring supplement Jim Dunn claims to have control over a car which is in the process of aquaplaning. What? Fair enough, the car in question is a Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera which is a precise and well engineered bit of kit capable of making even the most cack handed of drivers look like Sterling Moss. (Even if you happen to be unfortunate enough to land one that got to the end of the production line late on a Friday afternoon.) Aquaplaning is what happens when the amount of water between the tyres and the road is too much for the tread to dissipate and the car is effectively lifted clear of the tarmac. To experience aquaplaning for yourself drive through one of the many massive puddles that inhabit Scotland’s roads at a good rate of knots, and believe me knots is the correct term here, and you'll experience the phenomenon at close quarters. The result of aquaplaning is loss of steering, a loss of brakes due to the force of the bow wave knocking the b...