Global warming.

If you are the type of person who is concerned about global warming please allow me to dispel your fears with the following screed.

Scientists tell us that the planet is getting warmer by the minute and to be fair they're probably right. They are, after all, scientists and are on the whole more informed on the subject than yours truly. And that's to be expected when you consider that I left school with an "O" level in art, a BCG and the recommendation that I prepare myself for a life of enquiring "Do you want fries with that?"

However I'd like to let you all in on something that the scientists, or more specifically the global media machine, fails to let you in on. The planet is doing just fine.

During the many millions of years it has been sliding through space, at speeds the normal human mind can't grasp, the planet has survived through ice ages that were nothing more to it than a cold is to man[1], and warm periods that were nothing more to it than a hot flush brought on by the menopause is to a woman.[2]

It has survived asteroid impacts, on land and at sea which caused fallout that would make a ten megaton nuclear explosion look like a fart in the bathtub, on a fairly regular basis and has time and time again shook it off and bounced back to normal in a relatively short space of time.

Humans, by comparison, are nothing more than a minor bug akin to a small dose of the runs caused by a piece of undercooked chicken from your local KFC restaurant. And the planet will deal with us in pretty much the same way as we deal with a case of the shits. It'll fart a couple of times, squirt us down the toilet of history and continue as per usual.

[1] Though it's more than likely that the planet never gave consideration to calling in sick.
[2] The sex of the planet is uncertain so I have made comparisons to both sexes in the name of fairness.