What a Cnut.

I have no idea who the hell Gloria Steinen is but as far as I'm concerned, she's right on the money. ************************** Food isn't so much a passion here it's a pass time, and judging by the enormity of some of the larger people here, they take it very seriously. I fear for my life if should I lose concentration and stray into the no-mans land between a large two legged mammal and an all you can eat buffet. Shit, I'd rather get between a cow elephant and its young calf. I'm not against fat people in general but there are people here who are pushing the limits. Not only of how big you can get but of physics in general. Some of these people have a mass so large they are in grave danger of collapsing in on themselves and becoming black holes. The super massive can only survive for so long and whole swathes of Americans risk imploding violently. Which in itself may not be a bad thing. It's the innocent bystanders who happen to be within the area who wi...

Where horizontal rain is the norm, I can't take this heat. In fact if you show the average Scot a photograph of the sun they will ask what it is and immediately begin to burn like a pig on a spit roast. This is the reason that I am currently peeling as though I was a snake shedding its skin. And it's not just me either. My brother has been told by a doctor that he has developed sun poisoning and my dads stomach is redder than a baboons ass during mating season. The air conditioning doesn't help either. Sure, it keeps you nice and cool when you are indoors but as soon as you step outside the heat hits you and you begin to think to yourself "I should have put deodorant on my scrotum."

To keep y'all happy for the moment until I can find the time to write up some words for you.

And it's the day I fly out to Florida. In roughly five hours and forty five minutes there will be a phone call instructing me to get my arse out of bed and make my way downstairs to the car. Not that I'll be in my bed, oh no, I'll be wide awake and waiting expectantly like a kid at Christmas. I've spent most of tonight whipping and ripping my favorite music onto my hard disk, finishing packing the necessities and pondering whether or not Florida, and the people of the state, will live up to my expectations. To put it more succinctly, all thoughts of Edinburgh could not be further from my mind. My lucky t-shirt (I've never died while wearing it) sits on my armchair beside me in preparation for another test of its powers and my lucky mascot is safely stowed in my backpack. That's him. His name is Jo Boo and he's the earth bound messenger of The Grand Whazoo , who as you all should know by now, is every God all rolled into one. And that's a damn good masc...

In the spirit of open communication without borders or boundaries I give to you a small sample of music that floats my boat, rocks my world and makes me shake my tailfeathers. The Stone Roses - Shoot You Down (Soul Hooligan remix) The Foo Fighters - Aurora . Groove Armada - At the River . Jeff Buckley - Mojo Pin . ( Live at Sin-é ) Jimi Hendrix - Little Miss Strange . The Pixies - Where is My Mind . Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Dig Lazarus Dig . REM - All the Right Friends . *Disclaimer* All music linked to from this site is provided for review purposes only. Should you wish to own any of the tracks listed above please support the artist in question and buy a copy.

It can be fucking hilarious.

others are as dirty as a cut price crack whore in a Las Vegas alley. This is one of the latter. And this is one of the former.

Just to keep you happy here's the rewrites of my college work. The differences are subtle but I agree with my tutor that shortening some of the sentences adds to the quality of the writing. The original passages can be found by clicking here . **************************** Setting. 1. The nursery was filled with toys of all shapes and sizes. A large rainbow mural was painted on the sky blue walls. A half finished puzzle lay on the floor. A shining metal robot was catching the rays of the morning sun that streamed through the bay windows. A child of unknown age was playing in the large walled garden. Screams and whoops of joy carried on the wind. 2. The air in most of the rooms of the house was so cold anyone going in them would be able to see their breath. Not that anyone ever went in them. The heating worked but it cost too much so Margaret-Anne mostly lived in the ...

A body that is in motion will keep moving in a straight line unless some outside force causes it to change direction. Sir Isaac Newton . I'm all out of kilter this morning. My head is fuggy. Clear thoughts are hard to get a hold of. What has caused this? Dreams of loves long lost. Dreams where one can touch but not feel. The slightest touch threw me off course. I awake and connect to the machine. Searching. Nothing found. Why now? Some unconcious need? A subliminal desire? A trick of the mind.

This is a growing list of things I associate with the USA and would like to do while in Florida. Whether I manage them or not is another thing. Wrestle a Gator. Go to the ghetto. Attend a baseball game. Watch CNN for 12 hours straight. Attend a Gospel Church. Visit a mall. Do a drive by.* Sample Moonshine. See a Tornado. Visit a trailer park. Watch the Shuttle Launch. Should any of you lot out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment. * Just kidding.

Lock up your livestock, the Douglas Clan is coming... That's right kids, in less than three weeks time I shall be winging my way to Florida for three weeks of sun and fun with my family. Should any of you feel like giving up some of your time to show me around, please drop me a line.