What a Cnut.

Edinburgh hosts the largest New Year party in the world. Over a million people flock to Edinburgh during the four day event and having been one of the million in my younger years I have to tell you that if you've never been a visitor to this fair city you should make the effort to be one before you die. After you've died is a waste of time. You won't enjoy it half as much. In the centre of town the streets are closed off, stages are erected, fireworks are placed and ready to go and the whole of town becomes party central. Outside the centre of town it's a different matter... Gangs of pissed up youths wander the streets like feral dogs, strange bearded weirdys who speak in guttural grunts stagger and sway along the footpaths and kids on minimotos terrorise anyone stupid enough to venture out the house. Strangely enough though this makes for a fine and high setting for house parties. It's pretty much a guarantee that you'll meet colourful people who will give you ...

I've come to the conclusion that the TV news is so full of shit it's beyond belief. If the newsreaders aren't talking to you like you're a four year old then the producers are by filling your screen with graphics so simple that if you showed them to a chimpanzee the chimp would ask "what the fuck is this?" just before slinging a handful of it's own excrement at the screen and walking off in disgust. It's the same with the weather forecast. In all honesty does anyone actually watch the weather? Or do you, like a normal person, do the sensible thing and look out the window? Please, for the love of God, tell me you do or I'll be forced to kill myself or, and this is more likely, you.

Love thine enemy. Right now it's hard to love my enemy as it has laid me low for the entire day. It's all Jenny's fault, honestly. I had nothing to do with it. I had intended on staying home last night where I had a very nice evening in front of the fire planned doing the things I love... Playing the Xbox, reading, writing, having a nice long soak in the bath, torturing kittens and wanking off. [1] But it would seem that the Grand Whazoo disagreed with my grand scheme and decided that Jenny was to throw a party and that I was to attend. So at about five o'clock I had a bath, a shave and made myself look handsome. I chose a very nice, but understated, ensemble of jeans, comedy T-Shirt, my new No Fear jacket my sister got me for Christmas and my trainers. About an hour and a half later I was headed for Kirknewton (twin town Brigadoon) in my mates car as he agreed to drop me off for a few quid in petrol money and enough for a deck of cigarettes. Arriving at the party I re...

I thought I'd take the opportunity to list the music currently knocking my hearing into the dirt. So here we go... Brian Wilson - Smile. Fear and Loathing - Official soundtrack. Foo Fighters - There is nothing left to lose. Groove Armada - Soundboy Rock. Groove Armada - The Best Of. H G Wells - The Time Machine (Audiobook) Happy Mondays - Bummed. Happy Mondays - Pills, Thrills and Bellyaches. Jeff Buckley - Live at Sin e. Jeff Buckley - Sketches for (my sweetheart the drunk) Jimi Hendrix - Are You Experienced. Jimi Hendrix - Electric Ladyland. Monty Python - Greatest hits. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade. Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan - Various. Orbital - Various. Pearl Jam - Ten. Pearl Jam - MTV Unplugged. Pearl Jam - Live in Salt Lake City. Peter Sellers - 20th Century Genius. Nick Drake - Pink Moon. Placebo - Meds. Prince - Sign O The Times. Radiohead - Kid A. Ramones - Greatest Hits. REM - Eponymous. Sigur Ros - Agaetis Byrjun. Sigur Ros - Takk. Sigur Ros - Von. The American Ch...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a cynical bastard when it comes to the workings of world governments, I still think JFK was assassinated by the hawkish fucks who now control the upper echelons of the White House. And subsequently I believe that certain high powered people were behind the death of Benazir Bhutto early today in Pakistan. Am I the only person who thinks that any high ranking politico could now arrange the murder of their opponents and blame the coverall enemy that is terrorism ? Behold the new boogieman folks... He is a shadowy type who will never be found. He is everyone you've ever known who speaks out against tyranny of any kind. He is a child snatcher, a life taker and a danger to your freedom. And he's coming to kill us all. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

As a small treat for you all on Boxing Day I have rooted out a great surfing video for you all to watch. It's called Riding Giants and is about the evolution of Big Wave surfing. Enjoy. But first, to get you into the mood here's a small clip of Laird Hamilton riding the Chopu breaker. And here is the main feature. Riding Giants.

Here's a little video of some spectacular crashes from the world of Motorcycle racing. In the words of a wise man; Pain is temporary, humiliation lasts forever.

It can't be easy being a copper... I'm sure we all agree we want the bad guys put in jail. But only the bad bad guys. Not the good bad guys. There is. I'm sure you've noticed, a discernible difference between the good bad guys and the bad bad guys. The bad bad guys are the ones we'd all agree upon. Murderers, rapists, granny bashers, pedophiles etc etc etc... Whereas the good bad guys are the ones who sell drugs. I don't mean the drug dealers who live in the crack house at the end of your road, fuck no, send those fuckers to sing-sing so far as I'm concerned, I'm talking about the good bad guys who sell a wee bit of puff to their friends. These guys aren't bad bad guys, they're care in the community. Jeebus, They're social services.

Put on the Christmas album... Pop open a bottle of Captain Morgans and say hello to Christmas. ***************** So, what are you doing for Christmas? Maybe, like me, you're spending time with your family. Then again maybe you're not... Maybe you're staying with friends, maybe you're stuck in an airport lounge cursing the inefficiency of travel companies, maybe you're wondering where your next meal is coming from or maybe you're homeless and are lying in a doorway wondering if you'll ever have a roof over your head again. [1] Well, whatever you're doing I ask you to do this, think of someone worse off than yourself and do something to ease their suffering. Buy a card and some chocolates for the old lady in your street, give your seat on the bus to someone who looks like they need one, send money to a charity, give a few of your bucks to a homeless person, sponsor a child in a developing country, buy a food parcel and have it sent to someone who needs i...

And all through the house; Nothing was stirring; Not even a mouse. ******************* What a crock of horse biscuits. Which when I was younger, ( When things were simpler , when summer days seemed to last a month, the sun always shone, the ice cream truck was never more than twenty yards away and kids from your neighbourhood were never in any danger of being snapped up by pedophile rings or eaten by insane Rottweilers lusting for human blood.) I ate up like a homeless person who is offered a half eaten McDonalds by a drunk who thinks that their generosity will far outweigh a life spent pissing into the wind when it comes to the day when they are balanced on the scales of life. Seriously... I bought into all that "Be-good-boy-and-Santa-will-bring-you-nice-things, Misbehave-and-Santa-will-bring-you-a-lump-of-coal " bullshit and acted accordingly. [1] I was so badly suckered into the whole Lies To Children thing I was even pulled into the Charles and Diana wedding affair . Hey...

There is only ONE movie trilogy worth a fuck. And no, geek boy, it isn't that bullshit Lord of the Rings thing (Peter Jackson's best film was Bad Taste. End of story. There is nothing left to say. Fin.) or the other trilogy (in six parts) that is so often bandied about, Star Wars. And that trilogy, dear reader, is Back To The Future. That's right, I said it... And what drives me to say this? The fact that I have just watched BTTF 1-3 back to back and enjoyed it so much I'm gonna do it again straight away. Damned right I am. Who's gonna stop me? You? Ahahahahaha, I laugh at the face of Danger, tweak the nipple of Hazardous Misadventure and give a Chinese wrist rub to Fear on a regular basis. I once wedgied Death himself you know... No, wait a minute, that was Bill and Ted. Rest assured though the first time I see Death I'm going to give him a wedgie so severe his undercrackers are going to slice through him like a cheesewire through something soft. Warm Brie perh...

"...Ho, big man, gonnae sell us a fag?" The voice said. I looked up from my book and saw a hooded hoodlum hovering half a foot away. "I'll give you one, I'm fucked if I'm dying alone." I replied, reaching into my pocket for my cigarettes. I pulled out a couple of cigarettes and handed them to the inquisitor. "Do yeh smoke hash? I wuz gonnae give yeh a bit for the fags like." The guy offered. "No man, that shit'll kill you... Got any crack?" I replied. "..." Said the guy. "...Erm, uh...Erm." He stammered, looking totally baffled. "I was pulling your leg mate." I said. "I can get yeh some if you want it man. I know a man that can, so to say." He said, in a lower tone of voice than he had previously used. He looked as shady as an early dickens character as it was humanly possible. "No man, it's cool. I was just making a joke." I said. "Oh, right then. See you later then mate....

It's a tool that helps you to up your reading speed. Spreeder. "But I can't speed read." I hear you say. "I disagree." Say I, in disagreement. "I can't." You say. "Don't argue with me." I reply, as you go off and learn that you can speed read if you know how to. Simply copy and paste the text you want to read, sit back, hit play and off you go. Customisable so you can alter the speed of the text you can train your brain to accept higher wpm rates.

Here's a test for you. Deduct 1.5 million from 25 million. You should get 23.5 million. I did, and I'm not Einstein . The reason I've asked you to do this little test is to see if you could see how utterly useless the fine imposed on Channel Four is. Despite making 25 million the fine imposed is significantly less than the revenue generated. Surely this isn't really a fine, it's a tax. A more justified fine in my opinion would be Channel Four giving 27.5 million to charity (The original monies raised including a 10% "Don't do it again" fine.)

This place reminds me of school. Without the fun and general hilarity. When I was at school I was the class clown. You know the type... Strange shouts of random words, that marvellous pre-pubescent tourettes syndrome thing; Paper airplanes at inappropriate times; Telling the teacher that the reason you were late was that you were saving the world from alien invasion; [1] In short, chaos. ... Here however I'm the attentive student trying desperately not to scream at the class clowns for being stupid while other people are trying to work. No doubt Manc_lass will be laughing at the irony of this. What goes around comes around and all that "H" me old china. Had I known how distracting it can be when someone insists on talking utter shite when you really just want to get your head down and learn something I'd have kept my high jinks to a minimum. [1] I actually used this excuse once. Strangely enough the teacher didn't believe me and gave me detention despite the stor...

So I thought I'd pop itup here to let you all have a ganders at it.

My staple diet usually only ever contains the colour green when something has gone horribly wrong during the preparation, I'm eating lime jelly or I've decided to test my immune system and have eaten something moldy. For the last few weeks though I have come over all healthy, healthy for me anyhoo, and have been mostly eating home prepared tortilla wraps. So in order to give future biographers an insight into the dietary habits of yours truly I've decided to post the recipe. Ingredients. Tortilla wraps. 1/4 oz hashish (or good quality grass.) Bacon. Salad dressing. Salad of your choice. Nando's extra hot peri peri sauce. Preparation. Heat grill to a decent temperature for cooking bacon. Put bacon under grill. Roll a joint while waiting for bacon to cook. Just before the bacon is ready heat tortilla wraps and add salad and salad dressing to taste. Place bacon on wraps. Retire to the livingroom and eat the wraps while smoking the joint. The ingredients above can be chang...

To lift your spirits and to transport you to places faraway. The Sigur Rós albums Ágætis Byrjun and Takk were the music that I chose to spirit me away from the piss smelling hellhole that was A4E today . And what a pair of albums they are. Melodic and grandiose sweeps of music pick up the inner-self and carry it to Valhalla upon soundwaves so concentrated you could surf on them. A copy of Ágætis byrjun can be found here . [1] A copy of Takk can be found here .[1] Sigur Ros' other album Von can be found here . [1] Link provided for review purposes only. Link found by searching google.[2] Please buy an official copy if you like this album. [2](Don't know how long it'll remain there as it's a cheeky backdoor type link.)

That's what I'm doing. For no reason other than the fact I'm at that A4E place again and it's driving me up the wall. The connection speed on their pc's is so slow that I'd be quicker using a Sinclair ZX81 to connect to the internet. And to add extra flavour to the situation the guy behind me may have pissed himself. Or so the person next to me reckons when she leaned over and asked if I could smell piss. Joy of joys indeed. The only thing missing is a few tatty peices of tinsel and we'd have a sheltered housing cristmas party. Surely this is illegal under the Geneva Convention for human rights. Cruel and unusual punishment is outlawed isn't it? No-one should ever be made to sit smelling piss that's strong enough to peel wallpaper and could bring a tear to a glass eye. Look at the bright side. At least I'm not covered in my own piss.

Normally I don’t go into those coffeehouses that seem to be on the corner of every street these days, but as I couldn't find a greasy spoon within staggering distance of the cinema I gave into my desire for a cup of coffee and wandered into the nearest Starbucks.I made my way to the counter and was greeted in that wonderfully Americanised way by the uniformed gimp who stood with the most glaringly obvious smile that reeks of falsity. “Welcome to Starbucks, how can I be of assistance?” She asked. “Just a coffee please sweetheart.” I said affably. “Would you like Cappuccino, Double Cappuccino, Espresso, Double Espresso, Americano, Caffe latte, cafe au lait, Mochacchino, Macchiato, Espresso Macchiato, Café Crème, Espresso Con Panna, frapuchino. Or maybe you’d like to sample one of our famous iced coffees?” Said the gimp. “Just a coffee.” I said totally baffled at the list of things that she had just rattled off in one breath. There was an audible groan from behind me in the queue. I h...

And to add extra kudos they replace the "for" with the number 4 in their logo... It's supposed to be a place where the unemployed can go to use a computer, write their CV's, do job searches, fill in application forms or drink Special Brew somewhere off the cold Edinburgh streets. What it actually is is a holding pen for halfwits. And I, dear reader, am forced to go there. 4 times a week... Pity me. The first day of the course was an induction day where forms were filled in, details were noted and pupils were met. (I say pupils but for some reason the staff there call us "Customers" despite the fact that there is nothing in the place that you would ever purchase while not out your face on a combination of laudanum and LSD.) Day two was... I don't know what day two was like. I bunked off. Before you get all judgemental and feel like chastising me for not attending allow me to explain why I bunked off. It was for my own safety. I was genuinely scared to ...

My text message ringtone has been a soundclip of the TARDIS in flight . **************************** The other day I was on a bus headed into town when my phone began to ring. A small boy who was sitting a couple of seats in front of me with his mother heard my phone and turned to his mother. "Mum, it's the TARDIS. The Doctor is coming!" He said, excitedly. The boy started to look around with wonder in his eyes attempting to see where the noise was coming from, and spotted me. I smiled at the kid and put my fingers to my lips like we were sharing a secret. I opened my phone and showed the small front display to the boy. His eyes lit up like only a child's eyes can when they are faced with something that amazes them and I spoke into my phone. "Yes, Doctor." I said, pretending that I was receiving a phone call. I waited a couple of seconds before saying anything to give the impression that The Doctor was on the other end of the phone. "There's been no...

Evel Knievel. October 17, 1938 – November 30, 2007