What a Cnut.

I spent seven hours sitting waiting to be called to pull on a jumpsuit and a harness to go skydiving. Sadly though the weather conditions were against us and the decision was made to give up and come home. The skydive will now take place as soon as Yvoone and I can get a date sorted out where we can both go back to St Andrews to complete our jumps.

And due to the heat I can't sleep. So, instead of staring at the back of my eyelids hoping for sleep to come I'm sitting here typing. Exactly what I'm going to end up typing about isn't clear at the moment so I'll just plug on and see where we end up. It's a strange situation sitting here typing and not knowing where the destination is. I'm fucked if I even know where the departure point is but that's not the point really. Some of the best journeys in my life have started with no idea of the destination. This makes for a lot of uncertainty, for sure. But it also makes for a lot of fun. One such weekend of mayhem and madness started inconspicuously enough with a few drinks... A friend of mine named Ian, who was as keen on vodka as I was on scotch, and I stumbled out of work and headed for the watering hole of choice. Within half an hour we had went from singles to doubles and were headed in the general direction of triples with very little mixer. An hour ...

♫♪♫ Oh happy day. ♫♪♫ ♫♪♫ Oh happy day. ♫♪♫ ♫♪♫ When ______ watched. ♫♪♫ ♫♪♫ When ______ watched. ♫♪♫ ♫♪♫ Watched my blog all day . ♫♪♫ And so the latest part of the saga that is the life and times of Dr Ross Douglas comes a'skipping along like a pebble skiffed over a smooth pond. Ripples are caused where the stone makes contact and boats are rocked when the ripples become waves at the side of the pool. But, fuck it. I'm loving it.

Wanted that special gift for that special someone but have been unable to decide what to get them? Are you sick to the back teeth of searching around shops desperately trying to find them something out of the ordinary? Thanks to Chocpics.com you can now get them their own personalized chocolate bar.

To enlarge click on the picture.

Jump. On Saturday I'll be out of bed at the crack of dawn to make my way to Skydive St Andrews to jump from an aircraft. I'm looking forward to it this time, the last time I done a parachute jump I was somewhat nervous as I was convinced I was about to make an impression on the scenery to rival the Barringer meteor crater. Yvoone however is shitting bricks. And I'm not making it any easier by telling her that she's going to be falling at around 125mph with nothing to prevent her from bouncing than a piece of silk with strings attached.

After a break from going to football matches of about fifteen years I returned to the faithful fold of Hearts FC as they took on NK Široki Brijeg tonight at Murrayfield. Although Hearts looked shaky during the first half they more than made up for it by scoring three times in the second half. Champions League, we're havin' a laugh.

On Sunday night I was asked, by my friend Jenny , if I would be a witness at a meeting with her employer to sort out her grievances. Little did I know I would be a witness to a piece of history as Jenny became one of the few people to be sacked for writing a blog . I wish Jenny all the luck in the world when she takes her employer to court. (Even though I may be called as a witness and would have to buy a suit or something to make myself look presentable.) As I am not at liberty to discuss the matter drop by Jenny's blog if you want to read more about it.

Banning John Lennons classic tune Imagine from being performed at an end of term show. How screwed up is that? Imagine conveys a message that calls for unity amongst people of all creeds and colours on earth. Isn't that what Jesus would be preaching if he was around these days?

Since I was last at a football match but as Hearts are playing in the Champions League next week I will be dusting off my Hearts scarf and will be making the journey to Murrayfield to watch them. It's not every year that Hearts get into the Champions league so I may as well take the opportunity while it's going.

I know you lot like to see what it is I have been listening to, so here's a list. Puddle of Mudd - Blurry. Prince - 3121. De la soul - 3 feet high and rising. Moby - Moby. Prince and the Revolution - Sign o' the times. Pink Floyd - The Wall. Blues Brothers - Blues Brothers. Rolling Stones - A bigger bang. Pink Floyd - Wish you were here. Syd Barrett - Barrett. Syd Barrett - The Madcap Laughs. Never Mind the Bollocks - The Sex Pistols. Jeff Buckley - Live in Chicago. Neil Young - Unplugged. Led Zeppelin - The Battle of Evermore (1977 bootleg) Seether - Disclaimer. Killers - Hot Fuss. Jean Michel Jarre - Houston - Lyon. Peter Gabriel - Shaking the tree. Muse - Muse. Prime Circle - Hello Crazy World. Jean Michel Jarre - Aero. U2 - Joshua Tree. I have a need for some new music. Should any of you have any suggestions for what I should be listening to, leave a comment.

It's official folks. Wayne "Spudface" Rooney is a big girls blouse. The English football star Wayne Rooney has stated in his autobiography that he can't get to sleep without a nightlight and a vacuum cleaner running. "I still not only like to have the TV and light on to help me sleep - but also a vacuum cleaner. Failing that a fan or a hairdryer will do. I've ruined so many hairdryers by letting them burn out. Coleen hates it." Rumors that Rooney sleeps in Superman pyjamas and sucks his thumb are yet to be confirmed. As are rumors that he once asked David Beckhams wife Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham to show him her "Flower" if he showed her his "Pee pee."

I have in previous posts refered to the mystical figure The Grand Whazoo without providing an explanation for what The Grand Whazoo is. This is no more the case as I have now provided a definition in the urban dictionary .

To tell you about the actions of a powermad fuckwit who tried to strongarm me into doing something I didn't want to do. But, I'm not going to go there as aforementioned powermad fuckwit reads this blog and he'd no doubt get his frilly little girly knickers all in a twist. Fuck him and all those like him. Life's too short to worry about barely evolved fucktards such as him.

What the fuck is going on? I demand to know! What's the gig with all this sunshine? This isn't right. Edinburgh isn't supposed to be basking in sunshine like a Mediterranean country, it's supposed to be soaking wet and grey. The locals are freaking out due to the heat baking their brains. I keep expecting to see the evening news covering stories on the impending ice cream and booze shortage. Only this morning I looked out of my window to see a seagull fall to the ground with it's wings aflame like Icarus after his attempt to escape from the labyrinth. It's not right. Seagulls may be the shitehawks of the skies but surely it's not right that they are combusting due to the heat and are plummeting out of the skies screeching and squawking in the last moments of their flaming death plunge.

As the weather here is so unbe-fucking-lievingly hot I've been forced to throw my windows open to the world to try to get the house down to a temperature that's more bearable. This morning, however, I awoke to find two pigeons fucking on my bedroom shelf. As the heat during the night had sapped my strength all I could manage was a halfhearted shout of "Get the fuck out!" in an attempt to shoo the flying fleabags away. This was ineffective. I lay on my bed feebly flapping my arms and legs in an attempt to freak them out but this was as useless as trying to stop a horny dog from humping your leg by tickling it's balls with a feather. I began pelting the procreating pigeons with whatever lay within arms reach. After hurling two lighters at them and failing to put them off their stroke I resorted to the heavy artillery. A well aimed remote control later and they had abandoned their amorous activities and had absconded into the morning light. Having dealt with the prop...

I insist that you click here and watch this video .

On Saturday the 29th of this month, that's less than two weeks away, I and my pal Yvoone shall be plunging towards earth at a rate of 125mph as our charity parachute jump is almost upon us. Should any of you out there feel like making a donation to Seeds for Africa drop by their site.

Is sitting defrosting underneath my bollocks. It's so hot that there is a grave danger of me losing all the water in my body. A river of sweat is running down my back at a ferocious rate. So much so that there is a puddle gathering on my seat cushion and I fear I may have to hang it out to dry on the line. And this will not be a good thing. Not because I live in an area where guerilla interior designers roam the streets in search of unguarded seat coverings and throw cushions to decorate their hideout, but because my cushion is in a horrible condition. I'd hate to subject my neighbors to the sight of a semen crusted seat cushion dripping the sweat that has made its way down my back and through my asscheeks. But, enough of that guff... If I'm ever to make anything on this blog readable I really should stop writing these horrifying scenes involving irrational behavior, masturbation on a grand scale and the use of hard drugs that can make your brain swell up like an infected h...

My review of John Kennedy Toole's book, A Confederacy of Dunces , is now on sixlinereviews.com . To view it click here .

The word legend is touted about many people. Very few deserve the title. Syd Barrett was one of the few who did. One of the original members of Pink Floyd, Syd Barrett personified the sixties and took pop to a whole new level. One which may never be equaled. Or bettered. Syd may be gone from this realm but his legend will live on.

As I wrote in a previous post my old friend Alice came back into my life recently. So as I was off work today I thought why not? and chewed up four small squares of imported LSD and wondered where the trip would take me. Not very far was the answer. Either I have delusional memories of acid or the tabs I got was of lesser quality than the gear I used to get back in the day. And it's not like I'm talking about the sixties when the average acid tab contained 100 micrograms of pure Lysergic acid diethylamide, I'm talking about the mid-late eighties when the average Strawberry tab only contained around 50 micrograms of lysergic acid if you were very lucky. The only way to get the good shit was if you knew the main source for the best acid. I was fortunate in that respect. I knew one of the bigger dealers during the days of all night raves organized in secrecy that would make the CIA look like amateurs and he always supplied me with the best gear money could buy. My friends ...

I've been asked to do reviews for Sixlinereviews.com . It's not exactly the New York Times, but it's a start.

My charity parachute jump in aid of Seeds for Africa should be taking place within the next couple of months.

My application for press accreditation turned out to be a waste of time. But, this isn't as bad as all that. I'm just going to have to try to blag freebies or dip into my pockets and pay to see shows. Sadly this means I may not be able to see as many shows as I hoped to.

For the Festival is a bigger challenge than I thought. In the last couple of days I've read almost every website that has something to do with the Festival, I've sent E-mails to a couple of places asking about Press affiliation and I've tracked down some useful sites. All in all I'm rather enjoying it. In other news... My Boss (Willie) attempted to give me a bollocking on Saturday night. He'd been asked by the treasurer of the club to see if any of the barstaff had called contract taxis for non-staff. He stepped into the bar and yelled at me. "Right, what should I call you?" "Huh?" I asked. "Well, should I call you Keith or Johnny?" He said, while waving a piece of paper in his hands. I realized very quickly what he was talking about and burst into laughter. The rest of the staff; Jennifer, Nicky, Allison, Lyndsay and wee Ross, were understandably out of the loop so they asked what Willie was talking about. "This idiot has been giv...

Feed your head... Alice has arrived in the country. Alice is an old friend of mine whom I met through a friend of a friend of a friend of Albert Hoffman. Even though I look forward to Alice dropping by there is still the overbearing fear that she and I won't hit it off as well as we did all those years ago. Alice is the kind of trip you can sometimes have too much of and it's been a while since Alice last visited. Alice first crossed my path many moons ago in a pub far away... It was the week before Christmas in The Oak lounge bar. The DJ was torturing the drinkers by playing the standard list of shit tunes to play at Christmas, the landlord was drunk on large gin and tonics, the bar staff were in a party mood and my circle of friends were all there. Sarah, Jackie, Wendy, Steff, Andy and I were at our usual table. I was sitting writing notes and joining in the conversations that were bouncing around the table. An old workmate of mine named Jimmy spotted me and attempted to shou...

As I had very little sleep last night and will have even less tonight. After going to bed at 7:30AM this morning and waking up at 11:30AM I decided that I wouldn't lie in my bed all day and would, instead, do something more productive with my time before work. The plan was; Grab a quick shower, throw on some clothes and head into gorgie to pay the rent and the electric bill and have a nice big fry up in the Koffee Pot cafe. The plan lasted the length of time it took me to click the UGC website link in my favorites. Then it all went to fuck. I spotted that there was a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean II on at the UGC at Fountain Park so I ditched the whole paying the rent and the electric bill thing and decided I would go and see the film instead. Twenty minutes later I was in the queue for the screening with a smile on my face, a glint in my eye and some juice and munchies in my bag to save me from buying anything inside the cinema as the prices usually amount to something sim...

I just stumbled across Uploadhut.com . It's a free upload site that allows you to upload files of up to 50mb to share over the net.

Spending the day wasted? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. In my defense I did spend a couple of hours working on my new blog which will be documenting my adventures during the Edinburgh Festival. Apart from that I have done nothing but listen to music, smoke and generally laze about.

Has just been initiated. With the Edinburgh International Festival coming soon I have created a blog to document my Festival tips, tricks and adventures. To see my small project click here .

I, personally, think it's too hot when you find yourself wishing that you had applied anti-perspirant to your scrotum... It's been a couple of days of torturing heat here in Edinburgh, which if we're being honest, is a city more known for horizontal rain that can give you facial burns if you don't keep your eyes firmly rooted to the ground. The temperature has been in the high 70's and the humidity has been higher than Keith Richards on his birthday. Today, however, there was a respite from the heat in the shape of a thunder and lightning storm that cleared the air and dumped a few tons of water onto Edinburgh and the surrounding area. This was a double edged sword for me. I relished the ability to breathe again without it feeling like I was inhaling air through a wet sock but hated the fact that I was going to have to venture out into the storm while wearing nothing more than a Hawaiian shirt, jeans and a pair of trainers. I'd crashed out on Saturday night/Sund...

Makes me laugh. And so does this. A song about Daleks and a big yellow truck.