What a Cnut.

Then you may be clinically dead. She Loves You - Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan.

See if you're infected by watching this video... I lasted about a minute.

"May the forces of evil become distracted on the way to your house." George Carlin. Wherever you are man, I hope it's better than here. But not too nice because then you'd have nothing to complain about. And that'd be a cunt of a place for you.

"When the time is ready I shall send my only son to the earth to show them how to laugh." The Grand Whazoo.* *************************************** And lo it came to pass that The Grand Whazoo did send his only son to earth. And you can join him in his quest to make the world giggle by joining him by clicking here . *************************************** Family Friendly. No service charge. Tuesday is ladies night. Special drinks promotions all week. Happy hour all day. Students of philosophy welcome. Biker friendly. No Scientists. Please tip your waitress. *************************************** *During an acceptance speech for "Best god in a humourous role" award during the realm of gods, deitys and martyrs awards ceremony held at the Valhalla Holiday Inn. ** **(Tell them Marty sent you for a special reduction in rates.)

We'd stopped to fill up the cars as we drove from Tampa to Miami . My sister was driving one car and my dad was driving the other. I'd been designated gas monkey so I filled the car that my dad was in and then began to fill the other car. Sarah rolled down the window of the car and began speaking in a redneck accent. "If'n y'all clean ma windshield I'mma gonna give y'all a dollah." She said. "A whole dollah? Why I'd do damn neah anythang for a dollah missy." I replied. "Well if'n y'all clean ma windshield wif yo boobs I'mma give you five dollahs and if you jump up on heah and clean ma windshield wif yo ass I'mma gonna give y'all ten dollahs." From there on in it continued... "Hoo-eee missy. I'd like to introduce y'all to ma wife and sistah. That's her right over theah." "Mah little girl is so talented, she can sing real good out both her mouths." "I got's me three kids...

It can be fucking hilarious.

This is a growing list of things I associate with the USA and would like to do while in Florida. Whether I manage them or not is another thing. Wrestle a Gator. Go to the ghetto. Attend a baseball game. Watch CNN for 12 hours straight. Attend a Gospel Church. Visit a mall. Do a drive by.* Sample Moonshine. See a Tornado. Visit a trailer park. Watch the Shuttle Launch. Should any of you lot out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment. * Just kidding.

That's right. The Man ... He who maketh our lives a misery by imposing rules we must adhere to and boundaries that we must not cross. He of absolutes and certainties. He who rules with dark and sinister forces. He who watches us via CCTV , records our communications and has us by the balls... He came in the guise of an elderly gentleman in sensible shoes, corduroy trousers, shirt and tie. At once I saw through this cunning attempt to look human. No normal member of society wears shoes, socks and corduroy exactly the same shade of brown. His face, slightly ruddy from a lifetime of tanking booze to kill the pain of being a Judas to The Grand Whazoo, was covered in a grey flecked beard. A sure sign of Evil . "Mr Douglas?" The Beast spake, sulphurous fumes emitting from his cakehole. "Who's asking?" I enquired. "My name is Man, James Man, I'm here from ( Company name removed on advise of lawyer ) and I'm here to pole you." Baal replied, fla...

Minding my own business... When a bloke with a clipboard stopped me and said "Can I ask you a question." "You just did." I replied. "I don't understand." He said. "You just asked me a question by asking if you could ask me a question." I stated. "Ahh, err..." He stammered. "You should have said; Can I ask you a couple of questions ." I said, reeling him in like a fish. "OK then. Can I ask you a couple of questions?" He said. "You just have." I said. "I don't get your meaning." He replied. "Well, you asked me if you could ask me a question and then you asked me if you could ask me a couple of questions. A couple is generally accepted to be two of something so by rights you've asked me a couple of questions. You should have said; Can I ask you a few questions." I said. "OK, can I ask you a few questions?" He said. "You just have." I replied, struggling not ...

Overlooked by Castle Ahnuddaman, the village of N'at Aindookool sat in a lush green valley where faeries, goblins, pixies and humans lived together in peace. Cho, an apprentice wizzard sat in his favourite chair watching the sunrise over the mountaintops and wondered about the big things in life. "Why does the sun always rise over the mountain in the same place and set in the same place at the other side of the valley?", "Why are the unicorns disappearing from the magic forest?", and "What ever is that noise?" Cho stood up and walked in the direction of the noise that had disturbed his train of thought. As he rounded the corner and entered the small square at the centre of the village, instead of the usual sight of the market place, Cho saw a large crowd gathered around a strange looking contraption that was pinging, plonking and gurgling. "Make way for the Wizzard!" Shouted Cho, pushing through the crowd of onlookers. "Apprentice Wizzar...

The BBC news website published a list of 100 things we didn't know last year so I have decided to list them here with my own little addendum's. 1. Coach travel is the safest form of road transport in the country. * Unless you are in the UK in which case it's quicker to walk. 2. Saddam Hussein's codename while in US custody in 2004/5 was "Victor". * The guards assigned to him made him say "I don't bloody believe it." on a regular basis. 3. Adding milk to tea negates the health-giving effects of a hot brew. * Pissing in it makes it taste worse also. 4. The word "jaywalking" came from the US slang "jay", a term popular in the early 20th Century meaning a rustic newcomer unfamiliar with city ways. * These days rustic newcomers are called "Hippies" 5. Cloudy apple juice is healthier than clear, containing almost double the antioxidants which protect against heart disease and cancer. * Most apples never get heart disease....

"...Ho, big man, gonnae sell us a fag?" The voice said. I looked up from my book and saw a hooded hoodlum hovering half a foot away. "I'll give you one, I'm fucked if I'm dying alone." I replied, reaching into my pocket for my cigarettes. I pulled out a couple of cigarettes and handed them to the inquisitor. "Do yeh smoke hash? I wuz gonnae give yeh a bit for the fags like." The guy offered. "No man, that shit'll kill you... Got any crack?" I replied. "..." Said the guy. "...Erm, uh...Erm." He stammered, looking totally baffled. "I was pulling your leg mate." I said. "I can get yeh some if you want it man. I know a man that can, so to say." He said, in a lower tone of voice than he had previously used. He looked as shady as an early dickens character as it was humanly possible. "No man, it's cool. I was just making a joke." I said. "Oh, right then. See you later then mate....

My text message ringtone has been a soundclip of the TARDIS in flight . **************************** The other day I was on a bus headed into town when my phone began to ring. A small boy who was sitting a couple of seats in front of me with his mother heard my phone and turned to his mother. "Mum, it's the TARDIS. The Doctor is coming!" He said, excitedly. The boy started to look around with wonder in his eyes attempting to see where the noise was coming from, and spotted me. I smiled at the kid and put my fingers to my lips like we were sharing a secret. I opened my phone and showed the small front display to the boy. His eyes lit up like only a child's eyes can when they are faced with something that amazes them and I spoke into my phone. "Yes, Doctor." I said, pretending that I was receiving a phone call. I waited a couple of seconds before saying anything to give the impression that The Doctor was on the other end of the phone. "There's been no...

Your friend in the northern hemisphere... Has been censored. Yes folks, "The Man" has once again taken it upon Himself to decide what you, the masses, can or cannot read. Despite the fact that most people I have met have shown to me an ability to take in information, digest it and come up with a rationally formed opinion, "The Man" thinks otherwise. (Click image to see a larger version) All I can say is "Fuck the man!"

In my home town of Edinburgh a smoker was fined £25 for throwing away a cigarette end. What The Fuck is up with that? Is my country so concerned about the heath of the nation that it’s now trying to stop us from smoking by making sure we can’t afford it? After all, taxing us up to the hilt hasn’t worked, neither has banning tobacco advertisements on the TV, so is this their new flanking manoeuvre in the war against smoking? Maybe it’s just another way to prevent global pollution? Just think of all that nasty stuff that we smokers belch into the atmosphere, all those nasty chemicals that we spew forth whenever we light one up. We are nasty, dangerous people to associate with; We cough all the time; We smell like ashtrays; We have bad breath; We are prone to cancer, TB and other nasty diseases; We are at greater risk of heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms and internal brain explosions; Our arterial passages are dangerously constricted; We can’t run worth shit; We wheeze like asthmatic wart...

I awoke this morning and put some music on while I pondered what to do with my day. There was a knock at the door. I opened it to find that it was Elvis, wearing a black jumpsuit almost identical to the one he wore at his comeback tour "You're Elvis." I said. "A huh huh." He replied. "But your dead." I said, with amazement in my voice. "A huh huh." He said again. "Then what are you doing here?" I asked. "I bring you a warning man, quick! Get a burger!" He said, pushing his way into the house. I followed him as he headed for the small cupboard at the end of my hallway. "What do we need a burger for?" I asked. "I've been dead a long time and there's no hamburger stands in heaven, something to do with cholesterol." he said, rooting around the cupboard."Where’s the Big Juggs special edition?" He asked lifting boxes and pulling them open. "Pardon?" I asked. "The ghost of the ...

The curse of modern TV. From Big Brother, Pop Idol, Joe Millionaire, Fear Factor to I’m a celebrity! get me out of here, which personally I think should be renamed “I’m an attention seeking shitheel, Watch me dance like a monkey” Reality TV is setting new standards in the dumbing down of our world. Maybe I’m just being a cynic but I really have no desire to sit on my couch for hours on end lowering my intelligence to the level of pond scum. And I don’t really understand how anyone could. What in Gods name was big brother all about? A houseful of halfwits being poked, prodded and goaded into playing up for an audience of unseen eyes. Where is the attraction in sitting on your couch, for as many hours as you could without dropping into a mental coma if that was possible, and watching people sit on a couch? If that’s your idea of entertainment then buy a mirror, place it directly in front of your sofa and stare at yourself until your eyes glaze over and your brain grinds to a scrunching h...

Emitting from the cupboard at the end of the hall. I tried to open the door and realised that it was locked so I went to the kitchen and retrieved the key from the drawer. Slipping the key into the lock I discovered that there was some kind of force trying to prevent me opening the door. Whenever I tried to turn the key the force worked against me with a strength that caused me to think that there was something inside the cupboard that was as determined to keep me out as I was to get in. "What the fuck?" I thought. I went back into the kitchen and got my toolbox from the cupboard underneath the sink and carried it to the hall cupboard door. Popping open the toolbox I spotted what I needed, a pair of mole grips and a can of motorcycle chain lubricant. I removed the key from the lock and slid the small plastic tube applicator of the lubricant can into the lock and gave it a squirt. Sliding the key back into the lock and gripping it with the mole grips I used all my strength and...