What a Cnut.

I signed up to write a fifty thousand word novel in less than eighteen days I'd tell you it was because I was confident of being able to do so. But honestly I'd be lying out my teeth. I did it because I was looking for something to keep my mind off cigarettes. I've smoked for the last 20 years and recently gave up the demon weed because I had the horrible experience of seeing someone I care about lying in a hospital bed with pneumonia. She was breathing (if you can call it that) oxygen from a tube stuck up her nose and had a drip in her arm. The colour had gone from her face and there was an underlying look of fear in those pretty brown eyes of hers. So that was it for me. No more cigarettes. No more lighting up, no more inhaling smoke deep into my battle scarred lungs and no more looking cool. I should prepare for the following days of sitting in front of the computer; I should outline a story; I should think of characters that add depth and give you the reader someone ...

So you'd think she would be more sensible with money and not go doing something stupid like giving a million pounds to the labour party , a party who I personally wouldn't trust with a kids piggy bank. This is exactly the reason women shouldn't be given money. They'll only go and spend it on silly things like shoes, posters of Richard Gere and tampons. Instead of squandering it on other bleeding twats. *I would like to point out that this post is meant in a joking manner. I do not want to get hate mail from a bunch of hairy arsed lesbian feminists or bearded ladies.

Have been made to the layout of my blog to improve the look of it. Archive now in a drop down menu. Slideshow added. Labels and tags in a cloud. Hope you like them.

That no matter how hard you wish and plead to the fairies, or kiss a lucky cloverleaf, or click your heels together and recite "There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home..." or pray to the very Gods themselves... You cannot transport yourself through the sub ether (Or whatever the correct terminology is) and materialise on a beach in Mozambique. This was not an easy thing to accept at the time, as I was standing behind a bar trying not to scream in someones face "YOU'RE AS INTERESTING AS A SECOND HAND TEABAG! GET OUT MY SIGHT BEFORE I STAB YOU IN THE HEAD WITH A PEN!" , so I focused my concentration and tried for somewhere closer to home... Specifically, Wales. Don't ask why my mind chose Wales, because I don't know. Of all the places I could have chosen that are closer to my house than Mozambique, which is six thousand and forty three miles away, at the time Wales seemed as good a place as any. D...

Many of you out there in t'internet land are fans of the six year old boy genius that is Calvin (and his friend Hobbes) so I've decided to post a few wallpapers of him and his faithful companion. To get the full size images click on the thumbnail. Calvin and Hobbes read the funnies. Calvin and Hobbes take a walk in the snow. Pulling Faces with full colour background. Calvin and Hobbes doing homework. Getting a hug. Various Pictures. Doing a little dance. Pulling faces white background. Sledging. Pulling faces black background. Sleeping.

Whack these tunes on and chill out. William Orbit - Adagio for strings .* Sigur Ros - Milano . Groove Armada - At the River . Jimi Hendrix - Little Miss Strange . REM - All the Right Friends . Elliot Smith - Because . Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah . Foo Fighters - Aurora . * Mum, download that and let Dad hear it. It's a piece of music I said was brilliant and he got Stuart to get him a copy of it. Sadly it was being played on the bagpipes. This is the version that doesn't make you want to shove freshly sharpened pencils in your ears.

She said. With a totally straight face. She was collecting for a new church and had inadvertantly stumbled into the lions den. "Talk about a waste of time." I said, as I was bored and she was annoying me with her constant harping on about the, so called, saviour of humanity. "My sins are what makes me interesting." "Surely you don't mean that." She said with a look of pity on her face. I pondered for a second the possible ramifications of offending the god squad again. This took less than a quarter of a millisecond and I continued. "Actually I do. My sins, and believe me there are many, seperate me from the herd of waste of space sheep who follow the herd blindly without questioning the reason or the logic of blind faith." I said, smiling. Her face changed from a pitying look to one of minor offense. I knew I had her on the brink and all I needed was to give her a small shove to push her over the edge. "Jesus gave his life so that you co...

Here's a little thing for you to do if you have a spare five minutes or indeed, need a distraction from the day to day grind. Firstly, open another window and whisk yourself across the void of t'internet to here . Done that? OK, good. Now do you see the little box that looks like this --> Type in there (without quotes, any of these... [ Or these... ] and replace the words YOUR NAME with your actual, written on your birth certificate, name.) the following words... "What is [YOUR NAME]" Hit the get anagrams button, wait a second or two for the results. Read. Find the ones most appropriate or humourous and ponder. My favorite one is as follows... "What is Ross Douglas" A Dialogs Short Wuss. There are times when this is very true. Like now.

Last week I signed up for the worlds first internet balloon race . The reason for this was I was bored and fancied giving it a whack just to see how my wee balloon would get on without me promoting it at all. After signing up and choosing my little orange balloon I left it all alone to wing its way across the internet. I never checked its progress nor did I get anyone I know to poke the little swine into a higher gear so imagine my surprise when I came in second!

"When the time is ready I shall send my only son to the earth to show them how to laugh." The Grand Whazoo.* *************************************** And lo it came to pass that The Grand Whazoo did send his only son to earth. And you can join him in his quest to make the world giggle by joining him by clicking here . *************************************** Family Friendly. No service charge. Tuesday is ladies night. Special drinks promotions all week. Happy hour all day. Students of philosophy welcome. Biker friendly. No Scientists. Please tip your waitress. *************************************** *During an acceptance speech for "Best god in a humourous role" award during the realm of gods, deitys and martyrs awards ceremony held at the Valhalla Holiday Inn. ** **(Tell them Marty sent you for a special reduction in rates.)

Dr Gonzo. From an original drawing by Ralph Steadman . Ink work by InkInk tattoo parlour Orlando.

In the spirit of open communication without borders or boundaries I give to you a small sample of music that floats my boat, rocks my world and makes me shake my tailfeathers. The Stone Roses - Shoot You Down (Soul Hooligan remix) The Foo Fighters - Aurora . Groove Armada - At the River . Jeff Buckley - Mojo Pin . ( Live at Sin-é ) Jimi Hendrix - Little Miss Strange . The Pixies - Where is My Mind . Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Dig Lazarus Dig . REM - All the Right Friends . *Disclaimer* All music linked to from this site is provided for review purposes only. Should you wish to own any of the tracks listed above please support the artist in question and buy a copy.

With these eye-catching wallpapers . Or ear-grabbing Ringtones .

Minding my own business... When a bloke with a clipboard stopped me and said "Can I ask you a question." "You just did." I replied. "I don't understand." He said. "You just asked me a question by asking if you could ask me a question." I stated. "Ahh, err..." He stammered. "You should have said; Can I ask you a couple of questions ." I said, reeling him in like a fish. "OK then. Can I ask you a couple of questions?" He said. "You just have." I said. "I don't get your meaning." He replied. "Well, you asked me if you could ask me a question and then you asked me if you could ask me a couple of questions. A couple is generally accepted to be two of something so by rights you've asked me a couple of questions. You should have said; Can I ask you a few questions." I said. "OK, can I ask you a few questions?" He said. "You just have." I replied, struggling not ...

Prepare to be politicized... So, you're born as free as the birds, without prejudice or any preconceived notions about life. Then one day you realise that you, for no good reason, are pwned . Sure, you deny it with the core of your being, you rail against this statement, but one day you'll wake up and realise that you, my friend are being bought and sold down the river day after day after day after day after day. "But I'm not a slave!" You shout into the void, but, like it or not you are... A commodity to the collective consciousness of corporations; You are; Owned by the overlords of oppression; You are; A national insurance number; You are; A social security number; You are... A bank account; A credit card; And a wage slave . In short you are nothing more than a bag of blood to the leeches who suck you dry day by day by day... So, what do you do? Do you bow down to the boss? Or do you take arms and fight? Well, generally you do neither. You do what we all do, y...

The BBC news website published a list of 100 things we didn't know last year so I have decided to list them here with my own little addendum's. 1. Coach travel is the safest form of road transport in the country. * Unless you are in the UK in which case it's quicker to walk. 2. Saddam Hussein's codename while in US custody in 2004/5 was "Victor". * The guards assigned to him made him say "I don't bloody believe it." on a regular basis. 3. Adding milk to tea negates the health-giving effects of a hot brew. * Pissing in it makes it taste worse also. 4. The word "jaywalking" came from the US slang "jay", a term popular in the early 20th Century meaning a rustic newcomer unfamiliar with city ways. * These days rustic newcomers are called "Hippies" 5. Cloudy apple juice is healthier than clear, containing almost double the antioxidants which protect against heart disease and cancer. * Most apples never get heart disease....

If you are the type of person who is concerned about global warming please allow me to dispel your fears with the following screed. Scientists tell us that the planet is getting warmer by the minute and to be fair they're probably right. They are, after all, scientists and are on the whole more informed on the subject than yours truly. And that's to be expected when you consider that I left school with an "O" level in art, a BCG and the recommendation that I prepare myself for a life of enquiring "Do you want fries with that?" However I'd like to let you all in on something that the scientists, or more specifically the global media machine, fails to let you in on. The planet is doing just fine. During the many millions of years it has been sliding through space, at speeds the normal human mind can't grasp, the planet has survived through ice ages that were nothing more to it than a cold is to man [1] , and warm periods that were nothing more to it t...

I've come to the conclusion that the TV news is so full of shit it's beyond belief. If the newsreaders aren't talking to you like you're a four year old then the producers are by filling your screen with graphics so simple that if you showed them to a chimpanzee the chimp would ask "what the fuck is this?" just before slinging a handful of it's own excrement at the screen and walking off in disgust. It's the same with the weather forecast. In all honesty does anyone actually watch the weather? Or do you, like a normal person, do the sensible thing and look out the window? Please, for the love of God, tell me you do or I'll be forced to kill myself or, and this is more likely, you.

As a small treat for you all on Boxing Day I have rooted out a great surfing video for you all to watch. It's called Riding Giants and is about the evolution of Big Wave surfing. Enjoy. But first, to get you into the mood here's a small clip of Laird Hamilton riding the Chopu breaker. And here is the main feature. Riding Giants.