What a Cnut.

Of colour on here now as you've no doubt noticed. No reason, I just felt like having a slightly different look for a change.

In my home town of Edinburgh a smoker was fined £25 for throwing away a cigarette end. What The Fuck is up with that? Is my country so concerned about the heath of the nation that it’s now trying to stop us from smoking by making sure we can’t afford it? After all, taxing us up to the hilt hasn’t worked, neither has banning tobacco advertisements on the TV, so is this their new flanking manoeuvre in the war against smoking? Maybe it’s just another way to prevent global pollution? Just think of all that nasty stuff that we smokers belch into the atmosphere, all those nasty chemicals that we spew forth whenever we light one up. We are nasty, dangerous people to associate with; We cough all the time; We smell like ashtrays; We have bad breath; We are prone to cancer, TB and other nasty diseases; We are at greater risk of heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms and internal brain explosions; Our arterial passages are dangerously constricted; We can’t run worth shit; We wheeze like asthmatic wart...

I've came to the conclusion that the reason the world is so fucked up is that there is not enough honesty in it. And it’s about time that changed. So, in order to get the ball rolling I'm going to tell you my most shameful secret in order that we may be able to finally rid ourselves of the anchor that is preventing us all from taking our next evolutionary step. Do you remember when you were younger and you had a crush on your teacher, your best friends’ mother or maybe even your Nanny? I'm sure you do. I had a crush on my mates mother and I always dreamed of her introducing me to the (then) unknown world of sex. My fantasy was that one day I would pop around to my friends house and that his mum would answer the door in a dressing gown and tell me that he wasn’t in but would I like to come in for a cup of tea or something. Due to my young age and utter lack of experience when it came to women the only benchmark I had was from porn movies and the line “Do you want a cup of te...

I'm going to ask you to cast your minds back to the year 1984. A year that amongst other things saw the summer Olympics take place in the USA and you weren't cool unless you had a Frankie says relax t-shirt or a VW badge around your neck on an impossibly thick gold chain. I was cool for a day in 1984 and I'll remember the looks on everyone's faces until the day I die. The thing was I never had a Frankie t-shirt until my big brother had grown sick of his one and gave it to me (three years too late) so the only way I could have ever have become cool was to get the best VW badge possible. My mission was set. The day I crossed the line from honesty to criminality was much like any other but the rush of living life on the edge was beyond my wildest dreams. At ten o'clock at night out my bedroom window I slunk trying desperately not to arouse the suspicions of my mum (who although being deaf in one ear could hear a gnat's fart in the next town) who was watching TV in ...

I awoke this morning and put some music on while I pondered what to do with my day. There was a knock at the door. I opened it to find that it was Elvis, wearing a black jumpsuit almost identical to the one he wore at his comeback tour "You're Elvis." I said. "A huh huh." He replied. "But your dead." I said, with amazement in my voice. "A huh huh." He said again. "Then what are you doing here?" I asked. "I bring you a warning man, quick! Get a burger!" He said, pushing his way into the house. I followed him as he headed for the small cupboard at the end of my hallway. "What do we need a burger for?" I asked. "I've been dead a long time and there's no hamburger stands in heaven, something to do with cholesterol." he said, rooting around the cupboard."Where’s the Big Juggs special edition?" He asked lifting boxes and pulling them open. "Pardon?" I asked. "The ghost of the ...

The curse of modern TV. From Big Brother, Pop Idol, Joe Millionaire, Fear Factor to I’m a celebrity! get me out of here, which personally I think should be renamed “I’m an attention seeking shitheel, Watch me dance like a monkey” Reality TV is setting new standards in the dumbing down of our world. Maybe I’m just being a cynic but I really have no desire to sit on my couch for hours on end lowering my intelligence to the level of pond scum. And I don’t really understand how anyone could. What in Gods name was big brother all about? A houseful of halfwits being poked, prodded and goaded into playing up for an audience of unseen eyes. Where is the attraction in sitting on your couch, for as many hours as you could without dropping into a mental coma if that was possible, and watching people sit on a couch? If that’s your idea of entertainment then buy a mirror, place it directly in front of your sofa and stare at yourself until your eyes glaze over and your brain grinds to a scrunching h...

Has it really been a month since I last posted anything on here for you all to salivate over? It has? Well, all I can say is "I'm sorry" and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not then we're gonna have to live with it forever 'cos I ain't gonna let a little thing like that get in the way of our friendship. So, what's been happening in the life and times of your narrator? Well, pretty much fuck all. Unless you count... Losing my Internet connection for two weeks. Meeting a girl. Having my Vespa stolen. *********************** I lose my Internet connection. I lost my Internet connection for two weeks due to "Technical Problems" with Virgin Media dial up service. This really makes me mad and even drives me to the point where I telephone them to give them a piece of my mind. I pick up the phone and dial. An answering service picks up. The trials begin... "Welcome to Virgin Media. We now have Three options for you. If you have a...