What a Cnut.

How many of you have harbored dreams of being a rock and roll star? I'm willing to bet quite a lot of you have, at some point or another, stood in front of a mirror strumming away on a tennis racquet while imagining you're Keith Richards. When I was younger I went one step further. I started my own band. We were undoubtedly the smallest four piece band in the world, (there were only two of us.) and we were named The Pigeons, due to the fact that our music teacher informing us that there was already a band named The Birds. (It wasn't until much later I discovered that the Byrds had a different spelling and that we could have used the name "The Birds" and could have lived quite happily making money from their dyslexic fans.) Neither of us had any musical talent whatsoever and our repertoire consisted of mostly cover versions. The most memorable being a cover of John Lennon's classic Imagine. "Imagine all the pigeons, crapping on peoples heads, yea...

Since buying myself an MP3 player just after Christmas I've been having a ball listening to all of my favorite tunes while wandering the streets of Edinburgh. Here is the list of songs I currently have on my MP3. The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby. The Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop. The Beatles - In My Life. Bryan Adams - Summer of 69. Bloc Party - Staying Fat. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm. The KLF - 3am Eternal. Gwen Stefani - What you waiting for. Babyshambles - Do you know me. Babyshambles - Albion. Babyshambles - Fuck Forever. Babyshambles - Gang of Gin. Bjork - Venus as a boy. Bloc party - Banquet. Bloc Party - Pioneers. Bloc Party - Helicopter. Bloc party - Positive Tension. Bloc party - Like eating glass. Bloc Party - This modern love. The Cure - Just like Heaven. Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas. Eminem - Guilty Conscience. Gary Numan - Cars. Gorrilaz - Clint Eastwood. Hoobastank - The Reason. Ian Brown - Dolphins we...

That only the female of the species knows the steps to every fad dance ever? It's absolutely baffling to me. And no doubt to every other man on the planet. Apart from the gay ones, they know the steps by heart and on most occasions actually make the women look like amateurs. I guarantee that if you ask a DJ at a party to play YMCA , The Timewarp , or any other pop song that has an ubiquitous dance to go with it, that there will be a massive influx of women onto the dance floor. And the gay guy. Feel free to try this as an experiment in human anthropology.

Been concern for me amongst family members and friends as to why I have not posted much over the last few weeks. This post is an attempt to address those concerns. The problem with me is that I smoke way too much hash to be considered sane and rational. For those of you who know me, you'll know I was never the most rational of people to begin with but I'm wandering... The reason I smoke so much hash is that at the age of, roughly, 18 I discovered LSD and had my eyes opened to exactly what it is that the universe is all about... Chemistry. You, me and everything else on this planet is the result of a chemical reaction. Plain and simple. The chemistry of your brain becomes slightly different when any drug is ingested. Be it alcohol, nicotine, lysergic acid diethylamide, cocaine, magic mushrooms... Altering your mind through the use of chemicals allows you to see through the veil of perception that humanity is hindered by on a daily basis. And I enjoy seeing the other side of the ...

The Womb have a new single out for those of you who are at all interested. It can be downloaded by clicking here .

Scene opens in a TV studio. FX: Dramatic music plays over a spinning graphic displaying the station logo. Cut to Newsreader. Newsreader: "Good Afternoon and welcome to Sky news on the hour." Cut to same Newsreader from a different angle. FX: Dramatic music chord. Newsreader: "Reports are coming in that a whale has been spotted in the river Thames . We take you live by satellite to the scene." Cut to: satellite picture of the south of England. Cut to: Newsreader. Newsreader: "I apologize for the technical problems we seem to be having just now. Now we can cross over to the sky news helicopter which is hovering above the scene." Cut to: Helicopter shot of the river Thames. Newsreader (Voice over): "We are now showing you a shot of the Thames river, sadly the whale seems to be submerged at the moment." Cut to: Newsroom. The newsreader is standing with a cup of coffee in one hand and is smoking a cigarette. He drops the cup of coffee onto the floor a...

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This scene opens in an average house. A sofa, upon which an amorous couple sit, is in full view. The couple are in the early stages of passion. FX: Door bell. Man (John): "Damn, there's someone at the door. Woman (Betty): "Ignore it, they'll go away." John and Betty resume their embrace. FX: Door bell. John: (Annoyed) "I'll have to answer it." John gets up, much to the chagrin of Betty, and goes to answer the door. Cut to Front door. John opens the door and finds the smiling, friendly face of a man who is quite clearly drunk. John: (Slightly perturbed but not wanting to cause offense) "Can I help you?" Drunk: (Slurring his words) "Hello there, I've just moved in to the house opposite and I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of coffee." John: (Not wanting to seem rude) "Yes, certainly, I'll be right back." John closes the door in the face of the drunk and runs to the kitchen. He opens a cupboard and grabs a fu...

If you measure your days by the Christian calendar it's now 2006. I don't. But due to my religion not being recognized in official circles I'm stuck with it until the powers that be crumble under public pressure and allow me to re-date the days and months of the year. My "New Year" was spent working behind the bar of the club. But all was not as bad as it could have been. At 11:45pm the bar was closed for half an hour to allow the staff to see in the new year. So at 11:45 and 3 seconds I had a hold of a large Bacardi Limon and had skipped out the back door to head for a bench to wait for the celebratory fireworks to begin. As I walked through the carpark I reached into my pocket, pulled out my cigarette packet and got a hold of the joint that I had prepared specially for the occasion, and lit it. Start as you mean to go on, and all that guff. My MP3 player was turned to maximum, the joint was as strong as my drink and I stood in glorious solitude waiting for the ...