What a Cnut.

I've spent the day helping my dad lay a new floor in the living room of my parents house. My mum agreed to loan me a tenner so when she was taking me home we pulled into the garage around the corner from where I live to use the cash machine. I got out of the car and began walking towards the cash machine and saw out of the corner of my eye the approaching headlights of her car. A second later I felt the bumper of the car hit my leg and I leaped out of the way. I turned to see my mum in the car looking shocked. "Broken leg!" I shouted so she could hear me. After I got the tenner out of the cash machine I got back into the car and asked her if she was trying to make her dreams come true .

This morning saw the riders take to the tarmac at Jerez for the second round of the Moto GP season. First place was taken by Valentino Rossi with Dani Pedrosa taking second ahead of Colin Edwards in third place. Current World Champion Nicky Hayden struggled to a seventh place finish as his development woes continued with the Honda RCV 212v. Hayden's main problem seems to be that he is struggling to adapt his riding style to the new 800cc motor which has less outright power than last years 900cc bike. Because of the lack of horsepower the riders are having to maintain a higher corner entry speed and this doesn't suit Nicky's style of slamming on the brakes as late as possible, squaring off the corner and relying on the engine torque to accelerate out of the turn. The winner of the first round, Casey Stoner, battled well to finish fifth behind Toni Elias after poor handling on the Ducati caused him to drop off the pace early in the race. The next race weekend in the Moto GP b...

This week has been a hodgepodge of different musical tastes. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Facing Future. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Alone In IZ World. The Hours - Narcissus Road. Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans. Radiohead - Live! (bootleg) Van Morrison - Astral Weeks. Prince - The Black Album. Fishbone - Truth and Soul. Fishbone - Give A Monkey A Brain And He'll Swear He's The Center Of The Universe. Fishbone - The Essential Fishbone. Led Zeppelin - Early Days & Latter Days 1+2. Prince - Purple Rain. Carl Cox - F.A.C.T. John Mayer - Continuum. Fats Domino - They Call me the Fat Man. The Legendary Imperial Recordings. I'm sure there has been more but I'm fucked if I can remember them.

I awoke this morning early. Very early. 6:45 to be precise. As soon as my eyes were open I reached for my mobile phone. I hit the button that lets me send a text message and sent the following message to my mum. "I know it's early but I dreamed that you ran over Grandpa Smurf in a golf buggy and had been arrested by Noddy and the Mayor of Toytown. Phone me to let me know if you need a lawyer!" I kid you not I've been laughing for the last hour...

I awoke this morning at roughly 11am and found my mobile phone bleeping like Twiki from Buck Rogers having an orgasm. I opened the phone to find that I had three voicemail messages and five missed calls. I dialed my voicemail and discovered that my mum had left a message saying that she had had a dream that I had broken my leg while having a shower and was unable to get to the phone to call for help. The second message was on the same lines, as was the third. The only difference being that in the second message she was threatening to send my dad to the house to check up on me, and the third call was telling me that she was on her way over if she didn't hear from me in the next five minutes. I sent a text message to her mobile saying I was fine but it was too late. I looked out of my window and saw that my dads van was parked outside and heard a knock on my front door. I opened it to find my dad standing there with a world weary look on his face. "Alright Pops." I said. ...

I fully planned on hitting the streets today to find a job but after waking up this morning with a pounding headache I decided I was in no fit state. So I swallowed a couple of painkillers, pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep through the headache. Three hours later I awoke again to find that the headache was still resident so I popped another three painkillers and attempted to get back to sleep. Not a chance. My body had had enough sleep and refused to drop back into la-la land. I hauled my lumbering frame out of bed, like some kind of stoned dinosaur who hasn't realised that a giant meteor has wiped out all of his friends and relatives, and pulled my duvet into the living room where I lay on the couch and watched TV. I made several attempts at shouting at the TV, but whenever I raised my voice above a whisper my head began pounding. I satisfied myself by hurling the remote control at the TV and vowing that one day Richard Madeley and all his happy faced smiling coh...

"Right after I've done the dishes I'm going to circumcise myself with a butter knife." "I'll be right with you when I've finished burying the corpse." "One day I'm going to marry that skanky, aids infected, syphilitic whore." "If I said I loved you would you shit in a bag and let me take it home with me?" "I honestly think that the rules should be changed to allow George W Bush to serve another term in office." "I love you so much I'd let you touch me like the scout master did." "I find that the worst thing about sleeping with the dead is digging them up." "Do whatever you want to the Women and Children, just leave me alone!" "Anna Nicole Smith was one of the finest actresses ever seen." More will be added as I think of them, or feel free to add your own in the comments.

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Were somehow lost on me during the F1 race in Australia during the night. With the exception of probably 10 to 15 seconds when the winner may have turned out to be different to the person who got his car into turn one before anyone else did, it was just as I thought it would be. Worse than how I'd feel if I was forced to watch a group sex scene starring Anne Widdicombe, Theresa Jowell, Gordon Brown and Tony Blair, but not by much. It might as well have been contested over one lap instead of having it drag out over fifty eight of the buggers. Maybe it's me but I don't see how F1 can even qualify as a race. A race to my mind is something like this... One set of tyres, one tank of gas, one car and one driver battling against the rest of the pack. Another part of racing to me is overtaking. Proper overtaking, you no doubt know what I mean, two cars hurtling into a corner with both drivers attempting to outbrake the other guy. What do you get in F1? Overtaking when one guy goes ...

Comparative science. The F1 season kicks off during the night in Australia and in the name of science I'll be staying up to watch it. I say science because, as regular readers of this blog know, I'm a big fan of Moto Gp (which is the premier class of motorcycle racing and the two-wheeled version of F1 but with more excitement, closer racing and a hell of a lot more overtaking.) and would like to be able to compare the two on a level keel. Due to a lack of TV coverage of Moto GP during the late eighties/early nineties there are people in the world... Strange lonely people who wear Kappa shell suits over Manchester United tops and think Carl Fogarty was the best motorcyclist ever to sling a leg over a bike... Who think that World Superbikes is the premier class of racing when it comes to Motorcycle racing. They're wrong. Very wrong. The difference between a World Superbike and a GP bike is light years apart. For example I could walk into a motorcycle dealership tomorrow and b...

Was quite a quiet day. I slunked out of my bed at just after 1pm after almost 12 hours of sleep, did some laundry and played on the X-Box for a few hours. I also read a little bit of Key Philosophical Writings by Rene Descartes. I also updated my profile on The Spoof and made a start on a couple of spoof headlines but they sucked worse than any president named Bush so I dropped them like a hot potato.

In one of my less insightful moments I pondered on what super group I'd like to have seen perform live. The criteria for the super group is that you have to have five band members, either alive or dead. My super group is as follows. Drums - John Bonham. Lead Guitar - Jimi Hendrix. Bass - Rick James. Piano/keyboards - Stevie Wonder. Vocals - Grace Slick. What would your super group be?

Tonight's the night... That my friend Steff's daughter Zoe goes to her youth club so I'm off around to Steff's to chew the fat and put the world to rights and see if Zoe's youth club helper ( that I wrote about here ) would like to go out for a drink with me. Highly unlikely I know, but you never know until you try. I'll probably chicken out anyhoo...

Today was a day when mood music was not the thing I needed. Today I needed music that wouldn't distract me from my task in hand. Editing the Memoirs of a drunken romantic tale needed concentration so I delved into my CD collection and rooted out a few of the old classics. Led Zeppelin - Coda. Led Zeppelin - Houses of the Holy. Led Zeppelin - Presence. For the Led Zeppelin website click here. Neil Young - Freedom. Neil Young - Harvest. Neil Young - Tonight's the Night. Neil Young - Harvest Moon. For the Neil Young website click here.

The memoirs of a drunken romantic I wrote a few weeks back have now been edited (or as my dad called it "Taking out all the swearwords") and printed off so I can send it off to somewhere to see if it can get published. Fuck knows who I'll send it to but over the next day or so I'll grab a copy of a few of the magazines I think I have the best chance of being published in. Wish me luck... I'll need it.

To the sweet and innocent looking child on the right of this picture to change him into the writer of this blog? Please leave a comment if you have any kind of theory.

Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the US military is a fucking halfwit. In a recent statement Mr Pace said that homosexuality was immoral . What I'd like to know is what's the moral difference between love between people of the same sex and dropping bombs that maim and kill fellow humans? ( Please note; I'm fully aware that Mr Pace could probably snap me in half like a rotten twig but I'm willing to take my chances.)

Fractal Light Show

That's what Amanda McLean is. I don't know if you heard about this one... A woman in Glasgow is convinced that the child that is growing inside her is some kind of miracle after she looked at an ultrasound of her unborn sprog and saw the face of Jesus . What I'd like to know is why is it whenever a strange image is captured seemingly bearing a resemblance to a human face it's always assumed to be that of Jesus? Perhaps it's not, perhaps it's the face of Ra, Ra, Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen. There was a cat that really was gone. Should it turn out that The Mad Monk Rasputin has decided to return to this world to wreak havoc and carnage in Russia again I'd like to be the first to welcome him back. It's been awfully dull without him to liven things up... I'd also like to know if this phenomenom takes place in other cultures. For example if someone in the far east was to go for an ultrasound and there appeared to be an image of a podgy face do t...

The board of programmers at the BBC. I have a question for you... Why in gods name was the Crufts dog show on for two hours today? Who gives a fuck about crufts? No-one I know and that's for damn sure. I'm sure that there are people who do give a fuck about Crufts but I'm just as sure if they cared enough they'd go to the show themselves.

Yesterday saw the first race of the season in the premier motorcycling world when the Moto GP grid lined up on the starting grid at the Losail international circuit in Qatar. The young Australian rider Casey Stoner took first place on the 800cc Ducati Desmodeci followed by Valentino Rossi on the Yamaha M1 with third place being taken by Dani Pedrosa on the Honda RCV.

Following the furore over TV show phone in competitions it has been rumoured that shows such as Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, Come Dancing, Pap Idol... Et al may have to be removed from the airwaves. Hallefuckinlujah! I've tried to figure out what kind of imbecile watches this trite and have only managed to come up with the mental image of several hundred retarded chimpanzees. Perhaps that sounds a bit harsh but in order to quantify my defense I must say that I actually watched a few minutes of these shows in order to make a judgement on them. I'm totally convinced that I'm correct in my opinion. While watching the news the other day I witnessed a commentator say that "The public is losing its trust in TV." What I'd like to know is who the hell trusts TV? Obviously no-one with half a brain cell. Because anyone with an IQ equal to that of a colobus monkey knows that the majority of TV programs are nothing but a big pile of bullshit... The news give...

I'm wondering if I should rewrite the posts I wrote over the last week or so so I can send them to a publisher. I'm pretty certain that with a bit of cleaning up I could get it published in a periodical such as Readers Digest, Woman's Own, Peoples Friend, etc etc etc... Over the next few days I may just do this.

Kids do the damnedest things. Like drop you right in the shit and embarrass the hell out of you. On Wednesday night I popped along to my mate Steff's to while away a few hours chewin the fat and putting the world to rights. Zoe (Spodge) had to go to her Yoof Club (apparently yoof is the new way to spell youth. Bloody kids, knocking hell out of the English language to sound like they are the next generation...) so Steff, Zoe and I jumped in the car and drove around to Carrickvale Community Centre. As we approached the Community Centre I spotted a rather dishy blonde and let fly with a yell of "Hey Blondie" (It's a thing I do, yell out " Hey Blondie " whenever I see a blonde. The voice I use is like a cross between Sloth from The Goonies and Dezi Arnaz from the old TV show " I Love Lucy " It cracks me up. I dunno about anyone else...) Zoe (Spodge) immediately piped up with "You fancy her!" I said I'd hardly seen her and waited until...

Sees the beginning of the season in Moto GP with the Qatar GP taking place in Losail . My prediction for the championship is as follows. Valentino Rossi. Colin Edwards. Casey Stoner. Nicola Hayden will self destruct under the pressure of having to develop a motorcycle as the season progresses. As Barry Sheene said of Steve Parrish "He couldn't develop a cold."

My venture into my past has now drawn to a close. Thanks to all who left comments and a big Thank You to Lesley for her opinions. Normal service will now be resumed.

I was in a state of absolute bliss. No drug on the planet could have got me as high as I was at that moment because of the love I had found. I fell asleep that night with the smell of Her still in my nostrils. I could feel Her touch on my skin even though she wasn't there. She was as much inside me as I had been inside Her. The next morning I stumbled out of bed, walked to work and got as much work as I could before She was due to make an appearance. Nine o'clock came and went. There was no sight of Her. I walked to the office and asked Lou if Claire had picked up the keys to kiosk 2 and had opened up. "No, she's called in sick again. The boss is going apeshit, that's two weeks in a row she's thrown a sickie. He says if she does it again she's gone." Lou informed me. "Did she say what was wrong with her?" I enquired. "Her flatmate phoned for her, he says she's got a stomach ache." Lou told me. "Do you need me to open up ki...

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And felt the warmth of Her body pressing against my back. Her arm was draped over my shoulder and her legs were intertwined with mine. Her breath gently tickled the hairs on my neck. I could feel her breasts pushing against my back and her soft knickers against my bum. I looked at the cheap alarm clock on the bedside table. The display said it was 7:14 in the morning. "I was wondering when you'd wake up." She whispered in my ear. I shivered at the sound of Her voice and turned over so I could look at Her. "Bits of you have been awake for the last half an hour." She continued. A playful look spread across her face. "I'm sure you can guess what bits..." I knew immediately what She was talking about. "Sorry about that." I said. "It's not everyday I wake up with a beautiful woman snuggled into me. He must have thought it was his lucky day." "Don't be sorry about it. And who said it's not his lucky day?" She s...

After hardly being able to sleep the whole night, I slid out of bed at seven thirty. The thought of spending a whole day with Her exited me so much I was like a kid at Christmas. I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, dried myself off, slung on my jeans and a t-shirt, pulled on my timberland boots and left the house to get a bus into town. As I waited for a bus to take me into town I smoked a cigarette and watched the faces of the early morning commuters. A look of despair was the standard mask for these people. Misery was to be their company for the length of their day, Magnificence was to be mine. The bus arrived at Princes Street and I got off opposite the Waverly Market. The Waverly Steps were a couple of hundred yards away across the road and I looked over to see if She was there waiting for me. I couldn't see if She was waiting or not so I crossed the road and walked to the top of the Waverly Steps and checked again. I had no idea what time it was so I stopped a passing woman ...

And there was still no sign of Her. The morning after that I was standing at the back door to the Members House smoking a cigarette and chatting to Alex. It was quarter to nine o'clock in the morning and the staff were filtering in in dribs and drabs. I finished my cigarette and flicked the butt into the garden where it was rapidly set upon by one of the seagulls that hung around waiting for scraps. As the seagull took to flight, dropping the smoldering cigarette it had in its beak, She appeared. I walked towards Her and asked how She felt. She mumbled that She couldn't talk about it and walked past me into the canteen. She got a cup of tea and sat down at a table that was filled with other staff members who were killing time before their shifts started. I watched out the corner of my eye as She sat chatting to Dawn and Louise. As She chatted Dawn put an arm across Her shoulder and Her head dropped onto the table as though She was trying to hide her face. Louise turned around ...

I awoke from the most intensely real dream I had ever had in my life. In the dream I was witness to my own marriage to Her, my life with Her, Her giving birth to three beautiful children of mine and many years of us growing old together. I watched days fly by in the blink of an eyelid, I saw weeks skip past like I saw my children skip along a country path, I saw years pass as we both watched many sunsets and I saw Her beside me all the way. I smiled and laughed as the realisation dawned on me like the sunrise streaming through the gap in the curtains that covered the window to the real world. I had been shown The Dream, all I needed to do was make it a reality. I swung my legs out of bed and pulled on my work clothes and my boots. In only three hours I would see Her. While wandering to work along the old railway line I thought about the night before. Those perfect hours in Her presence played in my mind over and over again. The words She had spoken, the feelings I had felt and the sens...

Has mostly been comedy. Amongst the comedic geniuses I've listened to have been... Bill Hicks - Revelations - Relentless - One Night Stand - I'm Sorry Folks - Salvation. Richard Pryor - That Nigger's Crazy - Live on Sunset. George Carlin - Life is Worth Losing - Jammin in New York - You're All Diseased. John Pinette - I'm Starvin . There has been the occasional music included but they're mostly the same as the last time I listed my musical listenings .

So I was a bit quiet that day at work. She noticed it within a second of seeing my face. She enquired what was wrong and I said that it wasn't important. "It is important Ross, something is getting to you. Can I help?" She said. "I doubt it." I replied as I took a can of juice out of the fridge and took a drink. She moved towards me, with a small smile that was full of kindness and warmth, and gave me a hug. "I'm sorry you don't feel good Ross, it's not nice seeing you like this." She said, Her head laying upon my chest. I wrapped my arms around Her small frame and rested my head onto her raven black hair. I noticed that She smelled of apples and peaches and my heart beat sped up. "I can hear your heart beating." She said, still holding me around the waist. My heart skipped a beat and she commented on it. I looked down into her beautiful eyes and she looked up into mine. "You're a really nice guy Ross please cheer up. It ...