What a Cnut.

That title should have the word "Batman" at the end of it. It's impossible to say "Holy Smoke" without a little voice in your head saying the word batman at the end. Try it. Say "Holy Smoke" and you'll see... See, I told you. But, I'm wandering here. I didn't come here to tell you about the oddity of the batman effect, I came here to let you know what the hell has been happening to me the last few days. I've been depressed. OK? Is that fine with you? If not, then tough shit bubba. 'Cos that's the way it was. And may still be, I'm not sure.

If my last post made much sense at all. But the gag at the end more than made up for any shortcomings.

Spending a whole day in bed may seem like pure laziness. But I had a good reason. Honestly I did... I couldn't be arsed facing the world. And it's all the fault of the TV. It depresses the hell out of me. Whether it's the doom and gloom of the latest news or the sports results for the vacuous of mind, I sit there and question what the fuck is going on. Adverts for shit that no-one needs are beamed into our rooms and we stupidly think that our lives would somehow be complete if we had the latest labor saving gadget. There are adverts for Tampons for fucks sake! All over the world, women know that once a month things in the downstairs dept get a bit bleedy and something is needed to prevent the soiling of the knickers. They're clever like that. So why is it that there is a constant need to advertise Tampax? There isn't. So stop it. Please. Before I go totally insane. And it's not only that... There is now a 24 hour weather channel. What possible need is there for ...

That I only got out of bed five minutes ago? I had intended on spending the morning tidying up my apartment, but due to my late night baseball watching session getting out of hand, I missed the morning all together. Selah, so it goes. The afternoon is a goner also. Selah. The evening, well, I dunno. I have a hankering to hit the town to see the last of the Festival packing up and fucking off home but the temptation to stay in bed and do nothing has a slightly stronger pull to it. And who am I to fight the whim of the Grand Whazoo?

I've not heard a lot of Louis Armstrongs music. In fact, apart from this song playing now I've heard none of his music. As the music began... I found myself remembering old black and white footage of movies I couldn't name with actors I never knew, I saw tramcars and old ford trucks bustling about on busy city streets while urchins and traders flit and float between gaps in traffic. The music fades and the next track begins. Ejeculoutro by Paul Van dyk... I float into an electric world where my mind speeds from chemical switch to chemical switch, making connections and conjecture in the constantly moving chaotic chasm that human life is. Damn. This weed is good... Ho ho.

Wait for your daddy-o, Wait for your daddy-o. There's whiskey in the jar boy..." Well, there's Vodka in the bottle. And that's close enough for me. There's also a bag of the best quality weed sitting beside it. And that's a nice thought also. Today I've done fuck all worth writing about. Nada. Nothing. Fuck all. Zero. Zip... I woke up at about 12:30 pm and watched the Moto GP race live from Brno. Then I had another hour of sleep. I'm a lazy fucker huh? Then it was shit, shower and shave and off to work. Which was, as usual, more boring than watching a freshly laid dog-shit dry in the sun. At one point I actually prayed for an aneurysm to strike me down, just to get me out of there. But, apparently the Grand Whazoo has other plans for me and decided to let me live another day.

Another August draws to a close. The Festival is almost over and the traders and performers are packing up and leaving Edinburgh for wherever it was that they came from. And good riddance to 'em. No more will the people of Edinburgh be forced to stand in queues behind luvvied-up actors who think that we should all bow and scrape at their feet just because they've spent the last three weeks being pampered by TV executives who think that they are the funniest person to have graced a stage since the dawn of time. And thank fuck for that. Even I, an easy going type of person, was close to losing it on occasion. But, I fought the urge and didn't once yell "Will you please just order what you want and get the fuck out the queue before I rip out your heart and eat it!" Though the temptation to do so was never far away...

I'm putting word verification onto the comments so that ad-bots can't post comments.

I have a sty in my eyelid. Not exactly something you'd care to know but currently it's about the only thing I can think to write about.

I haven't posted anything of great length, or of great quality, in a couple of weeks on here and would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you all. I'm sorry. Really I am. No, really, I am. Honest injun boss. It wasn't my fault, there was an emergency, my dog ate it, it was set on fire by Columbian revolutionaries who stormed my apartment and created all merry hell... It's been calamity, chaos and complete mayhem since then.

I've just been having a look at my archive for march 2005 . Doing so has got me wondering. Was Katie Bairdie real? I still haven't found out. In order to attempt to tidy this loose string I'm going to ask Katie, if she still reads this blog, to get back in touch with me. Just for old times sake. So Katie, dare you drop me a line?

My festival report. Who knows if it'll be worth reading. Not me.

While wandering through the temporary market in Hunter Square, just off the High Street, yesterday I came across a stall run by a local photographic artist called Liz Tainsh. Liz recently featured in the Edinburgh Evening News when the news ran a story on her selling photographs of the G8 Carnival for full enjoyment. Please feel free to check out her web site by clicking here .

Into town for the day. I'm taking my camera and notebook should anything exiting happen.

Is a new style layout for this blog. If I can learn CSS. I'd like to keep it basically the same as this one, but with a sidebar on both sides of the posts so I can whap some of the content from the right hand side to the left hand side of the page. Anyone who knows how I can do this without having to learn CSS can feel free to drop me an E-mail or leave me a comment.

To have a family member die because of a fire on a train in the channel tunnel . What I find difficult to understand is why Google News has placed this story in the entertainment section of their UK News. [ I would have linked to the page itself here but I don't quite know if you can get google news as a cached page.]

Will US televangelist Pat Robertson be prevented from ever entering the UK, under the new anti terror laws, after he called for the assassination of the President of Venezuela ? I doubt it.

I was stunned last night as I sat watching a documentry which covered the World Taxidermy Championships being held in Springfield, Illinois. Too many jokes involving the words "Stuffing a beaver" were made for me to list them all. I'm sure with a little thought you can conjure up a few for yourself.

Drew Cefalu, who hails from Florida in the United States. I don't know who Drew Cefalu is, but he is obviously a discerning man who has good taste in shirts. I know this because Drew is the first person to purchase one of my T-Shirts from my shop on Cafe Press. As Drew is my first customer I have decided to buy him a drink should I ever be in the Florida area. Drew can also claim his free drink if he is ever around and about in Scotland.

I just stumbled across an interesting site and thought I'd share it with all you lovely people. It's a blog by phone site and can be found here . "Ifbyphone is a unique voice based information and entertainment service available from any telephone. Use your cell phone, home phone or business phone to access the latest news, listen to your Email, search thousands of RSS feeds, access hundreds of blogs, manage your portfolio, listen to a weather report, play fun games and enjoy Interactive Fiction." Whether or not it's any good remains to be seen. Should anyone already using this service feel like leaving a comment on this then feel free.

I'm not much of a tech-head. Never have been, never will be. Fortunately there are people who are. The lovely people at Lazy Web Tools for example. I like their automatic page refresher so much so if I was rich I'd no doubt do a Victor Kiam and buy the company.

Light the blue touchpaper and retire, scream into this empty night and whizz across the skies in one last gonzo act. With a loud bang and a bright flash Hunter S Thompsons ashes are set to be fired into the night sky any time now.

Deadly sins. For those of you that don't know what they are here's a list. Pride. Excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity. Envy. The desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. Gluttony. The desire to consume more than that which one requires. Lust. The craving for the pleasures of the body. Anger. Also known as Wrath. Greed. The desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. Also called Avarice or Covetousness. Sloth. The avoidance of physical or spiritual work. I'm pretty sure I've broken them all at some point or another.

Have been made with my Tagbox. It has been changed to a Shoutbox that has auto refresh. The more observant of you will have noticed this.

I have just been informed by a friend that 9 out of the 15 big brother contestants have secured record deals. Say goodbye. I'm off to kill myself...

It's official folks, Scottish people have brains. We grow them in jars. Kinda. In a Laboratory not far from where I am sitting boffins at the Edinburgh University have grown a human brain cell . This technology can revolutionize modern life. We can send a brain cell over to the US and double the presidents IQ...

Or how about jumping up and down on Ricky Gervais? I'm all for that. In a desperate attempt to make London more glamorous there is to be a Hollywood style walk of fame built in Covent Garden . Wonderful. I mean that's what London needs isn't it? Such "celebrities" as Ant and Dec and Dame Edna Everage are to be honored. It's enough to make me wanna fuckin' puke. All over Covent Garden...

This article about putting live broadcast video & audio feeds onto a web page. Whether or not I can get this to work or not is still to be found out. Perhaps it's about time that I got out of the dark ages of dial-up and got broadband. Donations towards the cost of this will be welcomed...

I now have a tag box. Aint that just the best news ever? It puts the moon landings to shame if you ask me, but I'm biased. And why shouldn't I be biased? Aren't we all biased in some way or another? Anyway, this little addition to my site will give you all the chance to chat to one another. Or even to me if you're really lucky...

I have just recieved an E-mail from someone from my past. The strange thing is that earlier today I had a brief memory of this person.

Over the next few days I'll be watching a few DVD's that I treated myself to. Richard Pryor. Live & Smokin. Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Derek and Clive Get the Horn. Jackass the Movie. American History X. Malcolm X. Should I feel that any of these movies deserve a review on here I'll whip one off and post it.

It's now my birthday. Whoo hoo. How do you write "Whoo hoo" sarcastically? Fucked if I know.

Her name was Claire. With a kiss that has lasted a lifetime she broke my heart. That little Irish beauty who made my heart and soul one. She held my heart in her hand and didn't know how much she effected me. She broke me... But I still think of her on occasion. A brief glimpse of long black hair while walking in the streets and I am cast back into the mists of my memory. Back in time I slip... "Jump around" by House of Pain finishes playing loudly at the nightclub and I stager drunkenly over to the riser which sits by the stage in the corner. She sits there with a drink in her hand and smiles at me. The greenest eyes I have ever seen penetrate to my soul. The light splits into rainbows on her sleek black hair and time stops. I see no club, no lights. I hear no sound, no music. My addled mind clears and for the first time in my life I feel euphoric. I know. I see. I love her . I sit next to her and she speaks. "There you are." she says, her voice like milk runn...

Screw the writers block I'm going through at the moment. I need to, wind in my neck and get the fuck on with it; Stop wallowing in the misery of my approaching birthday and get it together; Focus intently on my goal and grasp the horns of the goat of destiny. The Grand Whazoo doesn't like inactivity. Inactivity gives rise to idle hands and idle hands leads to the downfall of many a great man, masturbation. And I've been doing far too much of that in the last week. So much so that I have blisters on my hands and a crick in my neck that's on a par with the best case of whiplash ever seen by man. Ho ho. Today is the last day of my 34th year upon this great earth. If I live to be 70 then half of my life is gone, never to be returned. That's if I live that long... When I think about the drink and drugs I have piled into my system over the last 18 years or so I come to the conclusion that I'm lucky to be alive. There has been alcohol, speed, magic mushrooms, cocaine, ...

I've been in a wierd mood the last week or so. This is possibly based on the fact that in four days time I'll be 35 years old.

This is the first time in a few days that I have posted anything on here. The more observant of you will no doubt have noticed this... I've spent the last few days taking in the atmosphere of the Edinburgh International Festival. With my notebook and camera in hand I've trawled the high street watching the street performers ply their trade. And it's been fun. Pics and words will be posted at the end of the festival when I've sat down and written the piece I promised you all.

It's been pretty dull this week on the life path of me. I'm off into town tomorrow to take in some of the festival so this will keep me amused and give me something to write about. And I'm glad of that. A man needs amusement and mental stimulation to keep from going mad. Or at least I do. I have the urge to go gonzo tomorrow. I'm all for donning a Hawaiian shirt, a desert hat and spending the day skulking around with a pint of rum in my hand harassing the tourists and performers who will no doubt be involved in their own highjinx. Pictures and words will be put on here for your amusement. As usual.

That the last week has been the most prolific of my life so far. But I can't. It hasn't. I have spent this week mostly watching The Planet of the Apes 6 disk box set. I've also been thinking about how to re-write my Edinburgh Festival piece that was created in answer to the challenge my brother set me. I'm off up to the High Street on Monday and will use this time to put together a more constructive piece. The comedy skit I had in mind has mutated into more of a TV comedy piece than a stand up bit and has been put to one side for the moment.

I am now the Head of Semi-intelligence in Danny Wallaces' new country. To see what the fuck I'm waffling on about just click here .

I'm no con-man, at least not on the same scale as Frank Abagnale , who would be Number 1 in a who's who of world famous con-men, but I do have an inordinary gift for lying convincingly. I first noticed that I had this ability when I was a young boy... I'd been caught illegally playing on the Baberton Golf Club course with a friend of mine and had to bluff my way out of being taken to the clubhouse. Dougie B* and I were playing the bottom end of the 4th hole which, thanks to a blind drive, was unsighted from the tee. Whenever a golf ball landed on the bottom end of the fairway we'd pick up our ball and mark where our lie was with twigs and head into the woods that grew along the side of the fairway to wait for the golfer to putt out and take his drive back over the hill on the 5th fairway. On the day we were caught we were playing a round of pitch and putt with a 7 iron, a sand wedge for bunker shots, a putter and a porn mag. Which Dougie claimed that he had found in hi...

Calling all Texans. Put down the branding iron, pick up the phone... Call your friends and neighbors... Kinky Friedman needs you... That's right y'all, Kinky Friedman is looking for your votes. To see what the Kinksters' plans are, should he become the Governor of Texas in 2006, click here and take a look.