How I got barred from Starbucks.

Normally I don’t go into those coffeehouses that seem to be on the corner of every street these days, but as I couldn't find a greasy spoon within staggering distance of the cinema I gave into my desire for a cup of coffee and wandered into the nearest Starbucks.I made my way to the counter and was greeted in that wonderfully Americanised way by the uniformed gimp who stood with the most glaringly obvious smile that reeks of falsity.

“Welcome to Starbucks, how can I be of assistance?” She asked.
“Just a coffee please sweetheart.” I said affably.

“Would you like Cappuccino, Double Cappuccino, Espresso, Double Espresso, Americano, Caffe latte, cafe au lait, Mochacchino, Macchiato, Espresso Macchiato, Café Crème, Espresso Con Panna, frapuchino. Or maybe you’d like to sample one of our famous iced coffees?” Said the gimp.
“Just a coffee.” I said totally baffled at the list of things that she had just rattled off in one breath. There was an audible groan from behind me in the queue.

I heard someone call me an uncultured oaf but when I turned around to see who had muttered the insult there was a distinct lack of admittance from the responsible party.

“That’s called an Americano sir.” Said the assistant.
“Ok then, I'll have an Americano.” I said slowly, trying desperately not to lose my head.
“Regular, large or super size?” Asked the assistant.
“Regular please.” I replied.
“Would you like creamer in that?”
“What’s that?” I enquired.
“Whitener.” Declared the assistant.
“I'm still not with you.” I said, confused.
“Milk.” said the girl, looking at me like I was some poor animal that had been mauled by her cat and had then been dumped onto her lap as she ate her dinner.
“Oh, well why didn't you just say so?” I stated, sarcastically “Yes please, with milk.”
“And sweetener?” She enquired.
“Would that be what normal people call sugar?” I asked, slowly losing my patience.
“Yes sir, that would be sugar.” She replied, with a look of disdain on her face.
“Two sugars please.” I said, still trying to be affable about it all even though I was slowly bubbling away inside like a geyser that’s about to throw superheated water hundreds of feet into the air.

A long queue had formed and I heard a voice chime up “Today would be good.” It said.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I felt the bile rise in my throat and the blood started to course through my veins. I snapped and spun around on my heel.“ALL RIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS SAID THAT?” I bellowed. “COME ON! WHO WAS IT?”

I must have look a terrifying sight as the poor woman directly behind me jumped so far backwards that she bumped into the person behind her and very nearly caused a domino effect all the way down the queue.

“WHO SAID THAT?” I yelled at the first person whose eyes met mine.
“It came from behind me, It wasn’t me, I'm sorry, please don’t hit me.” The owner of the eyes said meekly.

A suit-wearing guy stepped forward and proudly said, “I did.”
I pointed my finger at him and let loose.

“What the fuck is your problem pal?” I said, with venom in my voice, “It’s because of soulless, ball-less, suit wearing, money grabbing, yuppie shitholes like you I have to go through five minutes of questioning and interrogation in order to get a cup of fucking coffee... Don’t even think about giving me attitude just because I don’t buy into all this crap... Shut the fuck up before I wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze until your small, insignificant, pea sized, one track mind pops out your ocular sockets.... If you don’t mind I'd like to get my coffee and get the fuck outta this place before I lose my mind and do what the rest of the herd seem to be doing and start thinking I'm a fucking American.”

I never got to hear his reply, if he had one, as I was grabbed suddenly from behind and was muscled out of the door by two burly security guards.