Happy Birthday Madge.

This birthday greeting is a bit belated but I'm sure Madge will forgive me.

I'm too lovable to be mad at for long.

Only two days ago...

I happily reported that I had reached and breached the 9,000th visitor to this blog.

It would seem that I have created a monster as I have just checked my stats again and I'm halfway towards my 10,000th visitor.

As a special treat to the 10,000th visitor I think I'll donate a prize or something to whomever it is that breaks the 10,000 barrier. Nothing extravagant like a holiday to Antigua, which wouldn't be fair if the 10,000th visitor happens to live in Antigua, just something simple like an exclusive one-off T-Shirt designed by me.

If that doesn't make you want to sit and click away like a Newton's cradle gone demented then I don't know what will.

I'm fucked if I know...

What the hell Michael "Hide the children" Jackson is thinking about if the rumours that he is to re-invent himself as a rapper are true.

Picture the scene...

The MTV Award show starts with a dry-ice filled stage. Lights of many colours shine through the fog as the music begins.

Michael lays down his rap to the tune of "Baby got back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot...

♫♪ I like young cock and I cannot lie,
You other perverts can't deny,
when a kiddy walks in with a itty bitty waist and a big smile on his face,
I get sprung,
wanna show him my cum.
'cos you he needs some pop star,
deep in the jeans he's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring.
Oh, kiddy I wanna get wit ya
and take some pictures.
The supreme's star tried to warn me,
but the ass they've got makes,
Ooo, Me so horny
Ooh jerk my smooth skinned
I'd love to get in your bend
So use me, sue me
'cos you aint the average groupie.

I've seen him dancin,
To hell with romancin
He'll sweat, get wet and scream like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines,
with pics of real young teens.
Take this used-to-be-a-black-man and ask him that
shoot a cumshot on his back.

LA face with a midget booty
LA face with a midget booty...♫♪

You heard it here first folks...

Barry Scott, star of TV's Cillit Bang ad campaign, is to star as "Flash" Harry in a modern day remake of the 1954 classic movie The Belles of St Trinians.

The director of the remake is rumored to be Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan, a little known Ukrainian director whose only directing experience came last year when he was asked to do the Ukrainian version of the Cillit Bang commercial.

Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan told a reporter that he was "Moore dan hippy to be doink of the filming of ze moofee. Pearhops know eye vill be abill to be maykink ze feelm eye haff dreamened off maykink sinks eye vas a yung bouy abowt der live of der moist faymouse Ukranian in der vorld."

When asked who the most famous Ukrainian in the world was Mr Gus Van Gusvan Goosefan screamed at the reporter in Ukrainian and stormed out of the interview. Later, the reporter was informed by a kindly Ukrainian maid that the most famous Ukrainian in the world was, in Gus Van Gusvan Goosefans opinion, Andy Warhol.

When it was pointed out by the reporter that Andy Warhol was in fact born in America the maid spat in the face of the reporter, threw a chamberpot in his face and made claims that she would kill the reporters family, his friends and the people who used the same telephone company.

Mr Barry Scott was tonight unavailable for comment.

Kindly reviewed by Cassie.

♫ You're so pretty baby, You're the prettiest thing I know. ♫

♫ Where did you go? Where did you go? ♫

Far away, never to return. Or so I thought...

This post will make sense to only a few people. But that's not important. What is important is that for once something I thought I'd lost forever came back to me.

Have you ever...

Taken the fall for someone else?

Of course you have. We all have, at some point or another. Whether it was taking the blame for something minor or something major, we've all been the sacrificial lamb that gladly hopped onto the chopping block.

I once took the fall for a friend. And lost a friend because of it... Kinda. Allow me to explain...

Once upon a time there was a girl whom I cared a lot about. She had a boyfriend. A friend of mine beat him up. Selah, so it goes. I got blamed for it. Selah, so it went. For more than a month this girl didn't talk to me. All I got was icy stares and accusations, the cold shoulder and the colder heart.

I tried to tell her it wasn't me who beat her boyfriend up. Sorry, no reply. I wanted to tell her that I wouldn't beat her boyfriend up just because he was her boyfriend. Sorry, not listening. I wanted to tell her that I couldn't have beat her boyfriend up, I loved her too much to cause her pain by proxy. Sorry, still not listening. Talk to the hand, the icy stare and the barely hidden look of disgust.

Everytime I saw her cold look my heart got kicked. Everytime I tried to talk to her and got no reply my soul got a smack in the face. Everytime I heard her voice I got beaten up by accusatory remarks. Everytime I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her the truth...

Other people knew but weren't telling. Other people told but weren't believed. And all the while I was losing someone precious to me. Someone whom I loved, someone whom I wanted to give the world, Someone who lit me up, like a beacon for lost sailors she brightened my life.

I gave her small things. I wrote her poems about how the little things are the things that matter. She played me a song and told me that it was what she most associated with me...

♫ You took your coat off and stood in the rain. You were always crazy like that. ♫

Talking 'bout a revolution.

The reasons for the previous post may not be entirely clear to all of you lot out there in webland.

Allow me to straighten things up...

I've had 9000 visitors.

There, now you know.

Revolution # 9000.

Number 9000
Number 9000
Number 9000
Number 9000

The visitations amount to more
climbing through the virtual door.

# 9000
# 9000
# 9000

Number 9001

John is dead
Am I the Walrus?
Close the door on the way out...

9002

DVD Days.

The next few days will be spent watching a few DVD's.

Black Books. Series 2 & Series 3.
Billy Connelly. Bites Yer Bum Live and Hand Picked by Billy.
Peter Kay's Pheonix Nights. Series 1 & 2.
The Office. Series 2. (Even though I can't stand Ricky Gervais.)
Peter Kay. "Genius!"
Mystery Men.

I watched both series of Black Books last night but will be watching them both again, commentary on, to hear more of the wit and wisdom of Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey.

Rossi Takes Moto GP Crown.

Valentino Rossi secured his fifth successive world title, in the premier class of motorcycle racing, earlier today when he finished second to Loris Capirossi in the Malaysian GP.

In a press release Valentino commented;

"I am very happy because I gave more than 100% in the race today. We have been in trouble all weekend and this morning I wasn't sure if I would finish on the podium. But I got a good start and rode a clever race whilst other riders seemed nervous and made mistakes. Little by little I moved to the front and I felt comfortable with the bike. I passed Hayden and then swapped positions with Capirossi a couple of times, but in the last seven laps he changed gear and I couldn't go with him. Anyway, I am World Champion for the seventh time, which is incredible! Last year was a bit of a surprise but this time everybody was out to beat me. I want to thank all my mechanics, Jerry, the engineers... everybody who works for Yamaha!"

New Tune.

The Womb have just released a new song.

It's called "I Disown My Country" and you can get it free by clicking here and downloading it.

The few, the proud and the brave...

Jump.

A couple of years ago I did a 10,500 ft tandem skydive to raise money for Maggies Cancer Centre and I'm in the mood to do so again. So, just this minute I have sent for the necessary forms to do a charity jump for the Seeds For Africa Charity.

My decision to take the plunge for this charity is mostly due to the fact that Seeds For Africa helps people in Mozambique. A country which I visited earlier this year when I went to stay with my cousin Steve for a month.

When I receive the details I'll see about setting up some sort of account so that anyone who visits this blog can contribute to the funds for this. Every penny counts and all that.

Are you one of those people....

Who attracts lunatics, weirdo's and freaks?

If so then why not advertise your ability with a cool hooded top?

Or how about a nice long sleeved shirt to keep out the cold?

Available in all sizes and in many different colors and styles.

Click here to see them or to purchase one.

One step closer.

To being a millionaire.

I have sold another one of my "Trust me, I'm a Doctor." T-Shirts.

Should you wish to buy one then please click here and do so.

Rude awakening.

There's nothing quite like a nice long lie in your bed. And this morning I had nothing quite like a long lie in my bed.

At 7am the sun came streaming through my bedroom window and shocked me into awakening from a rather nice lucid dream, which for some reason I can't recall at the moment. Perhaps I'll remember the details of it later. Perhaps not, who knows?

I've been lucid dreaming every night for the last week and I'm sure that the reason for this is that I have not been smoking myself into a ganja induced coma before I hit the sheets. If this is the case I think I'll stop smoking as much ganja as I do on a regular basis. Lucidity in my dreams is far more fun than sleeping the sleep of the dead.

In one of the lucid dreams I've had in the last week I discovered that I could fly like a bird. Though not exactly like a bird, they have to flap their wings. All I had to do was to think, with total commitment and belief, that I could fly and lo and behold... We have lift off.

If you've no idea what lucid dreaming is then please feel free to read your way through these links.

http://www.dreamviews.com/

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Lucid_Dreaming

http://www.ld4all.com/

Now I'm off back to my bed to walk in the dream world.

Recent listening.

Just a small list of what I've been listening to over the last week or so.

• K T Tunstall. Eye to the telescope.
• George Carlin. Back in Town.
• George Carlin. 7 Words you can't say on TV.
• Richard Pryor. Greatest Hits.
• Richard Pryor. Is it something I said?
• Jack Johnston. Brushfire Fairytales.
• Ana Gabriel & Vicky Carr. Amiga.
• Robin Williams. Live on Broadway.

He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. His number is six hundred sixty-six.

The Anti-Christ has come. Prepare for the end of days...

It's dark here. Very dark. There are ominous looking clouds in the sky. The wind is whistling through the boughs of the trees, creating noises that sound like the low whine of the undead.

Will the sun rise tomorrow? Was today the last time we shall see the sun? Was today the day that brought the coming of the beast?

Read all about it by clicking here...

Rumors are that his name is Sean..

Hanging with the Hawkings.

I have an urge to go out drinking with Stephen Hawkings.

I can just imagine Steve and I partaking of a few... Me with a bottle of Stroh rum in my hand and Steve with a bottle of whatever he wants to drink duck-taped onto the end of his feeding straw. That's the kind of thing to brag about. It's certainly on a higher level than any drunken story that has been wheeled out in the pub.

I'd even go so far as to say it would be a mind altering experience.

Picture the scene...

It's late on a Tuesday night somewhere in Edinburgh. A full moon peeps through milky white clouds. The shadow of a drunk passes over the face of a wall. A strange voice grates onto the, unhearing, ears of the night...

"Show-me-the-way-to-go-home-I'm-tired-and-I-want-to-go... Taxi! Oh-shit-I-missed-it. Never mind Hawkings, my good friend, we'll get the next one... Are you alright there Davros? How are you getting on with that kebab? Do you want me to wipe the drool off you? Ahahaha. An IQ so high it's only detectable to sniffer dogs and you've got kebab all down the front of you. Ahahahaha."

An electric wheelchair comes into view. A guy in a Hawaiian shirt is clinging onto the back. The synthesized voice of Steven Hawkings emits from the wheelchair. "Where-are-we?-And-how-did-I-acquire-this-parking-cone?"
"Never mind that H, we need to get back to my place before the police catch up to us. Maybe trying to ram-raid the Co-op for some more booze wasn't a good idea after all."
"I-will-be-fine-I-have-an-MBE."
"You're not in London any more Hawk, this is Edinburgh, you being an MBE sufferer won't stop them from kicking the shit out of you."
"I-think-I-am-going-to-be-sick."
"I warned you about mixing your drinks H. You should have done what I suggested. For every drink of one spirit you have, have another of the same. Repeat until vision and mobility fails."
"That-is-alright-for-you-Ross. You-have-mobility-to-begin-with."

A Police car swings wildly around a corner in the middle distance. Sirens and flashing lights pierce the quiet streets of Edinburgh.

"It's good that you can joke about it H, but can you make this fucking chair go any faster?"
"We-could-try-the-Einstein-Rosen-Bridge-capability. It-has-never-been-tested-though."
"There's no time like the present Hawkster, hit the button and lets get the fuck out of here."

A small red light flashes on the arm of the wheelchair. Lightning strikes the chair and flames scorch the tarmac. The wheelchair flashes neon blue and vanishes...

It's a googletastic and thoroughly blogariffic thing.

How's that for a snappy title?

I think it's nice for a small posting to inform you of the latest, and I think rather groovy, Google search engine.

Google Blog Search.

Are you stuck for something to do on Saturday?

And will you be in the general area of Leith?

If you are perhaps you'd like to go to an arts fair.

Why not drop in.