I'm sat in Stabucks...

And there’s a poor fucker behind me being grilled by starbucks executive types and by god he’s flapping. Stuttering is not an option in situations like this, the ability to bullshit is.

In situations like this the ability to pad out sentences is a godsend. Why say “If we waste water it’s bad for the environment.” when you can wax lyrical like Bob Geldof during live aid. “If we waste even a tablespoon of water it dramatically effect the lives of every man, woman and child on the planet, for gods sake, people are fucking dying man!”

You can take this tactic too far though. Decrying the global machine that is Starbucks, leaping up and whipping out a fist to lay the suited and booted exec on his ass may be taking things to the limit.

Sure, it’s probably satisfying beyond words but you’ll not find a payrise notice at your workstation you’ll find a pink slip.

The executive has all manner of cards and shit in front of him and he’s working well with his co-executive. “Can you give me an example of when you provided good customer care?” The empty suit asks.

“I… I… I… Erm, Eh, I once held the door open for a customer once.” The interviewee replies, badly.

I think he should be more direct. “I once refrained from popping some fuckwit in the head when he was being a dick to me. That’s good customer care right there.”

But balls to that. There’s a blonde chick who’s wiggling her foot in my direction and smiling. Have I got shit on my shirt? No, thank god. I look bad enough at the best of times without the remains of a steak bake making me look like a refugee from Kazakhstan.

I ponder for a second if she is aware that she is pointing an extremity at me but come to the conclusion she’s not. Why on gods green and blue would someone so cute be flirting by body language with me? Perhaps she’s retarded. Not terribly so that it shows on her face in that high forehead, dribbly way but enough to effect her judgement. I dunno. And right now I’m too hyper on coffee to make an approach.

Besides, I have to make a move back to A4E. I’ve had almost two hours for lunch and need to at least look like I give a shit about being there.

I feel like wishing the interviewee the best of luck with his interview with tweedledum and tweedledummer but resist as it could be taken the wrong way.

“Screw these fools man, it’s just a job. You are not your job, you are not the all singing all dancing face of starbucks. You, my friend are better than these fuckers! Fight the power and fuck the man!” may not be the best thing to tell the swine.