What a Cnut.

I've spent the day helping my dad lay a new floor in the living room of my parents house. My mum agreed to loan me a tenner so when she was taking me home we pulled into the garage around the corner from where I live to use the cash machine. I got out of the car and began walking towards the cash machine and saw out of the corner of my eye the approaching headlights of her car. A second later I felt the bumper of the car hit my leg and I leaped out of the way. I turned to see my mum in the car looking shocked. "Broken leg!" I shouted so she could hear me. After I got the tenner out of the cash machine I got back into the car and asked her if she was trying to make her dreams come true .

This morning saw the riders take to the tarmac at Jerez for the second round of the Moto GP season. First place was taken by Valentino Rossi with Dani Pedrosa taking second ahead of Colin Edwards in third place. Current World Champion Nicky Hayden struggled to a seventh place finish as his development woes continued with the Honda RCV 212v. Hayden's main problem seems to be that he is struggling to adapt his riding style to the new 800cc motor which has less outright power than last years 900cc bike. Because of the lack of horsepower the riders are having to maintain a higher corner entry speed and this doesn't suit Nicky's style of slamming on the brakes as late as possible, squaring off the corner and relying on the engine torque to accelerate out of the turn. The winner of the first round, Casey Stoner, battled well to finish fifth behind Toni Elias after poor handling on the Ducati caused him to drop off the pace early in the race. The next race weekend in the Moto GP b...

This week has been a hodgepodge of different musical tastes. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Facing Future. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Alone In IZ World. The Hours - Narcissus Road. Sufjan Stevens - Seven Swans. Radiohead - Live! (bootleg) Van Morrison - Astral Weeks. Prince - The Black Album. Fishbone - Truth and Soul. Fishbone - Give A Monkey A Brain And He'll Swear He's The Center Of The Universe. Fishbone - The Essential Fishbone. Led Zeppelin - Early Days & Latter Days 1+2. Prince - Purple Rain. Carl Cox - F.A.C.T. John Mayer - Continuum. Fats Domino - They Call me the Fat Man. The Legendary Imperial Recordings. I'm sure there has been more but I'm fucked if I can remember them.

I awoke this morning early. Very early. 6:45 to be precise. As soon as my eyes were open I reached for my mobile phone. I hit the button that lets me send a text message and sent the following message to my mum. "I know it's early but I dreamed that you ran over Grandpa Smurf in a golf buggy and had been arrested by Noddy and the Mayor of Toytown. Phone me to let me know if you need a lawyer!" I kid you not I've been laughing for the last hour...

I awoke this morning at roughly 11am and found my mobile phone bleeping like Twiki from Buck Rogers having an orgasm. I opened the phone to find that I had three voicemail messages and five missed calls. I dialed my voicemail and discovered that my mum had left a message saying that she had had a dream that I had broken my leg while having a shower and was unable to get to the phone to call for help. The second message was on the same lines, as was the third. The only difference being that in the second message she was threatening to send my dad to the house to check up on me, and the third call was telling me that she was on her way over if she didn't hear from me in the next five minutes. I sent a text message to her mobile saying I was fine but it was too late. I looked out of my window and saw that my dads van was parked outside and heard a knock on my front door. I opened it to find my dad standing there with a world weary look on his face. "Alright Pops." I said. ...

I fully planned on hitting the streets today to find a job but after waking up this morning with a pounding headache I decided I was in no fit state. So I swallowed a couple of painkillers, pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep through the headache. Three hours later I awoke again to find that the headache was still resident so I popped another three painkillers and attempted to get back to sleep. Not a chance. My body had had enough sleep and refused to drop back into la-la land. I hauled my lumbering frame out of bed, like some kind of stoned dinosaur who hasn't realised that a giant meteor has wiped out all of his friends and relatives, and pulled my duvet into the living room where I lay on the couch and watched TV. I made several attempts at shouting at the TV, but whenever I raised my voice above a whisper my head began pounding. I satisfied myself by hurling the remote control at the TV and vowing that one day Richard Madeley and all his happy faced smiling coh...

"Right after I've done the dishes I'm going to circumcise myself with a butter knife." "I'll be right with you when I've finished burying the corpse." "One day I'm going to marry that skanky, aids infected, syphilitic whore." "If I said I loved you would you shit in a bag and let me take it home with me?" "I honestly think that the rules should be changed to allow George W Bush to serve another term in office." "I love you so much I'd let you touch me like the scout master did." "I find that the worst thing about sleeping with the dead is digging them up." "Do whatever you want to the Women and Children, just leave me alone!" "Anna Nicole Smith was one of the finest actresses ever seen." More will be added as I think of them, or feel free to add your own in the comments.