I'm with the band.

How many of you have harbored dreams of being a rock and roll star? I'm willing to bet quite a lot of you have, at some point or another, stood in front of a mirror strumming away on a tennis racquet while imagining you're Keith Richards.

When I was younger I went one step further. I started my own band.

We were undoubtedly the smallest four piece band in the world, (there were only two of us.)
and we were named The Pigeons, due to the fact that our music teacher informing us that there was already a band named The Birds. (It wasn't until much later I discovered that the Byrds had a different spelling and that we could have used the name "The Birds" and could have lived quite happily making money from their dyslexic fans.)

Neither of us had any musical talent whatsoever and our repertoire consisted of mostly cover versions. The most memorable being a cover of John Lennon's classic Imagine.

"Imagine all the pigeons, crapping on peoples heads, yeah heah.
You may say that's a bummer,
But to us it's quite fun
Flying high above you and squirting out our bums."

...Was the chorus and the rest of the song was just as bad. But this didn't stop us from doing a gig. Fuck no, we were so confident in our abilities we would have stepped out in front of the largest audience in the world and would have taken the applause we so richly deserved (in our opinion).

I, somehow, managed to convince the local social worker to give us a spot in a local talent show. We were on second from last... (The last guy was a Shakin Stevens impersonator whose act consisted of nothing more than wearing a denim jacket with the collar turned up and moving his legs in the fashion of a newborn stork.) ...As we walked on to the stage I heard the thing that no artist wants to hear at the end of a concert, never mind the beginning, Boo's.

I walked proudly to the microphone and said "Ladies and gentlemen, We were the pigeons, Thank you and goodbye." And walked off as fast as I could.

(Due to artistic differences the band split up after this gig and The Pigeons were disbanded.)

Recent listening.

Since buying myself an MP3 player just after Christmas I've been having a ball listening to all of my favorite tunes while wandering the streets of Edinburgh.

Here is the list of songs I currently have on my MP3.

• The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby.
• The Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop.
• The Beatles - In My Life.
• Bryan Adams - Summer of 69.
• Bloc Party - Staying Fat.
• Bloc Party - Silent Alarm.
• The KLF - 3am Eternal.
• Gwen Stefani - What you waiting for.
• Babyshambles - Do you know me.
• Babyshambles - Albion.
• Babyshambles - Fuck Forever.
• Babyshambles - Gang of Gin.
• Bjork - Venus as a boy.
• Bloc party - Banquet.
• Bloc Party - Pioneers.
• Bloc Party - Helicopter.
• Bloc party - Positive Tension.
• Bloc party - Like eating glass.
• Bloc Party - This modern love.
• The Cure - Just like Heaven.
• Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas.
• Eminem - Guilty Conscience.
• Gary Numan - Cars.
• Gorrilaz - Clint Eastwood.
• Hoobastank - The Reason.
• Ian Brown - Dolphins were monkeys. (DJ Shadow remix)
• Iron Maiden - Run to the hills.
• Janis Joplin - Take another little piece of my heart.
• Jeff Buckley - Grace.
• Jeff Buckley -Hallelujah.
• Jimi Hendrix - Little Wing.
• John Lennon - Stand by me.
• John Lennon - Whatever gets you through the night.
• John Lennon - Working Class Hero.
• John Lennon - Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy).
• John Lennon - Mind Games.
• John Lennon - Come Together.
• John Lennon - #9 Dream.
• John Lennon - Mother.
• John Lennon - You are here.
• Keane - This is the last time.
• Keane - Somewhere only we know.
• Led Zeppelin - nobody's fault but mine.
• Limp Bizkit - Behind blue eyes.
• Live - I Alone.
• Luciano Pavaroti - La Traviata.
• Marblehead Johnson - I didn't mean to hurt you.
• Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love.
• Maroon 5 - This love.
• Maroon 5 - She will be loved.
• Minister - Strings in Trance (club mix).
• Nick Drake - Pink Moon.
• Nick Drake - Know.
• Nick Drake - Place to be.
• Nick Drake - Way to blue.
• Nick Drake - Sunday.
• Nick Drake - Northern Sky.
• Nirvana - Come as you are.
• No Doubt - Just a girl.
• Oasis - Round are way.
• Ocean Colour Scene - Hundred mile high city.
• Outkast - Southernplayalisticcaddilacfunkymusic.
• Paul Oakenfold Ft Hunter S Thompson - Nixons spirit.
• Pearl jam - Rockin' in the free world.
• Babyshambles - Stix and stones.
• Placebo - Pure Morning.
• John Lennon - Give peace a chance.
• John Lennon - Cold Turkey.
• Portishead - Glorybox.
• Primal Scream - Rocks.
• Public Enemy - He got game.
• REM - End of the world.
• Radiohead - Creep.
• Radiohead - The Bends.
• Radiohead - High and Dry.
• Radiohead - OK Computer (Full album)
• The Ramones - Gabba Gabba Hey.
• Ray Charles and The Blues Brothers - Shake your tailfeather.
• Reef - Place your hands.
• Richard Strauss - Also Sprach Zarathustra.
• Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply.
• Savage Garden - Crash and Burn.
• Snoop Dogg - Beautiful.
• Starsailor - The way young lovers do.
• Stevie Wonder - Superstition.
• Suzanne Vega - Luka.
• Tal Bachman - She's so high.
• The Beatles - Blackbird.
• The Chemical Brothers - Star Guitar.
• The Clash - Should I stay or should I go.
• The Cranberries - Zombie.
• The Cure - Friday I'm in love.
• The Cure - Pictures of you.
• The Libertines - Don't look back into the sun.
• The Libertines - Up the Bracket.
• Mamas and the Papas - California Dreaming.
• The Ramones - I wanna be sedated.
• The Who - My Generation.
• U2 - Vertigo.
• U2 - Zoo Station.
• ZZ Top - Mexican Blackbird.
• ZZ Top - La Grange.
• Babyshambles - Another Girl another Planet.

Why is it...

That only the female of the species knows the steps to every fad dance ever?

It's absolutely baffling to me. And no doubt to every other man on the planet. Apart from the gay ones, they know the steps by heart and on most occasions actually make the women look like amateurs.

I guarantee that if you ask a DJ at a party to play YMCA, The Timewarp, or any other pop song that has an ubiquitous dance to go with it, that there will be a massive influx of women onto the dance floor. And the gay guy.

Feel free to try this as an experiment in human anthropology.

There has of late...

Been concern for me amongst family members and friends as to why I have not posted much over the last few weeks. This post is an attempt to address those concerns.

The problem with me is that I smoke way too much hash to be considered sane and rational. For those of you who know me, you'll know I was never the most rational of people to begin with but I'm wandering...

The reason I smoke so much hash is that at the age of, roughly, 18 I discovered LSD and had my eyes opened to exactly what it is that the universe is all about...

Chemistry.

You, me and everything else on this planet is the result of a chemical reaction. Plain and simple.

The chemistry of your brain becomes slightly different when any drug is ingested. Be it alcohol, nicotine, lysergic acid diethylamide, cocaine, magic mushrooms...

Altering your mind through the use of chemicals allows you to see through the veil of perception that humanity is hindered by on a daily basis. And I enjoy seeing the other side of the coin. But it also has a detrimental effect on your psyche.

In other words, it can drive you stark raving mad.

Hashish, in large quantities makes you paranoid. And that's a fact. Trust me, I know. But it also allows the user a deeper understanding of the nature of all things. It's a double sided coin.

I, personally, don't mind the paranoia, as someone very wise once said "There is no such thing as Paranoia. It's all true." It's the depression that accompanies the paranoia that knocks me on my arse on a regular basis.

And it's not self pitying depression either, Fuck no, that I could handle with ease. It's an overwhelming depression for all of humanity. I feel as though the whole gamut of humanity's pain has been directly injected into my soul/being/essence/heart (call it what you will) and I drop like an anchor into the darkest trench of the sea of my soul.

fortunately, I can swim. I've had enough practice holding my spiritual breath to make it back from the bottom of the Marinas trench.

So, in closing, if I go quiet for a while. Please don't panic. I'm just taking a swim.

New single.

The Womb have a new single out for those of you who are at all interested.

It can be downloaded by clicking here.

Topical comedy skit.

Scene opens in a TV studio.

FX: Dramatic music plays over a spinning graphic displaying the station logo.

Cut to Newsreader.

Newsreader: "Good Afternoon and welcome to Sky news on the hour."

Cut to same Newsreader from a different angle.

FX: Dramatic music chord.

Newsreader: "Reports are coming in that a whale has been spotted in the river Thames. We take you live by satellite to the scene."

Cut to: satellite picture of the south of England.

Cut to: Newsreader.

Newsreader: "I apologize for the technical problems we seem to be having just now. Now we can cross over to the sky news helicopter which is hovering above the scene."

Cut to: Helicopter shot of the river Thames.

Newsreader (Voice over): "We are now showing you a shot of the Thames river, sadly the whale seems to be submerged at the moment."

Cut to: Newsroom.

The newsreader is standing with a cup of coffee in one hand and is smoking a cigarette. He drops the cup of coffee onto the floor and flicks the cigarette across the newsroom. He waves smoke away with his hand and trys to regain his composure.

Newsreader: (Slightly vexed) "On the line now we have an expert in whales, Dr David Daffyd Davies. Doctor Davies, what can you tell us about whales?"

Dr Davies (Voice over) "Well, it's a really beautiful scene here, the sky is bright and clear and there are a few tourists wandering around taking pictures."

Newsreader: (Confused) "And can you see the animal at all?"

Dr Davies: (Also confused) "Which animal?"

Newsreader: "The whale of course."

Dr Davies: "I'm not quite sure what you mean."

Newsreader: "The whale in the river Thames, can you see it?"

Dr Davies: "I very much doubt it. I'm halfway up mount Snowdon"

Newsreader: "I'm sorry, I seem to have been given the wrong information as to where you actually are. My apologies. Perhaps you can tell us a bit about the behavior of whales?"

Dr Davies: "It doesn't misbehave, if that's what you are implying. Admittedly the rugby fans can be a bit boisterous, but that's really just harmless fun."

Newsreader: (Very confused) "If I can just clarify Dr Davies, you are an expert on the behavior of marine animals such as the Blue whale, Porpoises and Dolphins?"

Dr Davies: "Whatever gave you that impression?"

Newsreader: "I was informed that you were an expert in the field of whales."

Dr Davies: "No, I'm a geologist. I'm in a field in Wales though if that's any help."

The newsreader, unaware that he is visible to the people watching the newscast, angrily mouths towards someone who is offscreen and quickly writes something on a piece of paper. He holds the paper up.

Cut to the newsreaders hand holding the piece of paper which has the word "TWAT!" written on it.

The newsreader puts his finger to his earpeice, realizes that he is on screen and quickly drops the paper and attempts to look at least slightly professional.

Newsreader (Attempting to make light of the incident) "Once again I must apologize to the viewers for the technical difficulties we seem to be suffering from just now. We can now cross over to our roving reporter Julia Smythe-Pilkington who is on the scene at the river Thames. Julia..."

Cut to the banks of the river Thames.

A female reporter is standing with a microphone in her hand.

Julia: "..And you can tell that shithead I told him no outside broadcasts during the winter months, this weather plays havoc with my botox."

Julia suddenly realizes that she is live on air and smiles widely.

Julia: "It's a beautiful day here on the banks of the Thames, intrigued office workers and tourists are standing in droves waiting for a sighting of the whale. People from all walks of life have gathered here to witness this rare occurrence."

Cut to newsroom:

Newsreader: "And what is the mood there Julia?"

Cut to Julia:

Julia: "The mood is one of wonder and fascination, people have their cameraphones out and are trying to get a picture of the animal when it surfaces. Children are being held aloft by their parents, taxi drivers have parked their cabs and there are even some Japanese tourists standing on tower bridge with harpoons.

My life was rated.

See what your rating is by clicking here.

Random comedy skit.

This scene opens in an average house. A sofa, upon which an amorous couple sit, is in full view.

The couple are in the early stages of passion.

FX: Door bell.

Man (John): "Damn, there's someone at the door.

Woman (Betty): "Ignore it, they'll go away."

John and Betty resume their embrace.

FX: Door bell.

John: (Annoyed) "I'll have to answer it."

John gets up, much to the chagrin of Betty, and goes to answer the door.

Cut to Front door.

John opens the door and finds the smiling, friendly face of a man who is quite clearly drunk.

John: (Slightly perturbed but not wanting to cause offense) "Can I help you?"

Drunk: (Slurring his words) "Hello there, I've just moved in to the house opposite and I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of coffee."

John: (Not wanting to seem rude) "Yes, certainly, I'll be right back."

John closes the door in the face of the drunk and runs to the kitchen. He opens a cupboard and grabs a full jar of coffee. He runs back to the door, opens it to find the drunk rubbing his nose as though he has recently been hit in the face with a door. John forces the jar of coffee into the hand of the drunk, closes the door (FX: someone being hit in the face with a door) and runs back to the sofa.

Betty: "Who was it?"

John: (Breathless) "A new neighbor... He wanted to borrow some coffee."

Betty: "Not that I was interested very much, I just wanted to know what the plot was in this skit. Now if you don't mind I'd like to get back to the heavy petting."

John and Betty resume their passionate embrace.

FX: Door bell.

John (Annoyed) "Oh for F..."

Betty: (Sharply) "Language please, there might be children watching this skit."

John gets up and goes to the door.

John opens the door to find the drunken neighbor.

Drunk: "Sorry to bother you again... Can I borrow some sugar."

John slams the door and runs to the kitchen.

FX: Door hitting someone in the face.

John opens a cupboard, grabs a full bag of sugar and runs back to the door. The drunk is rubbing his forehead.

John roughly hands the bag of sugar to the drunk, closes the door and returns to the sofa.

Betty: "Isn't the plot to this skit a bit easily worked out?"

John: "Never mind that just now, the director wants me to get your blouse off before the end of it, he says it'll improve the married male demographic."

Betty: (Lustfully) "Oh John, I love it when you talk advertising!"

John leaps onto the sofa and they resume their passion.

FX: Door bell.

Betty: "Quick... Answer the door and I'll get my blouse off." (Aside) "Purely to satisfy the male demographic you understand."

John runs to the door to find the drunken neighbor with a bandage on his head and blood soaked cotton wool in his nostrils.

John: (Angrily) "What?"

Drunk: "Can I borrow some milk?"

John slams the door and runs to the kitchen. He opens the fridge, grabs a pint of milk and slams the fridge door shut. The fridge door falls off.

John runs back to the front door, shoves the bottle of milk into the drunks hand and slams the door. (FX: Door closing.)

Drunk: (Muffled) "Oww, my hand"

John runs back to the sofa to find Betty with her blouse off.

Betty: (excitedly) "Take off your shirt."

John: (Hopefully) "Is it to increase the female demographic?"

Betty: "No, it's to prevent feminists from writing in to the complaints department and accusing the channel of sexism."

John rips his shirt off.

John: "I'd hate to lose the feminist fan base I've built up on my webpage."

Betty: "I really must get one of those."

John: "My agent says it's really helped my potential earnings."

Betty: (Lustfully) "I love it when you tell me about your potential"

John leaps onto the sofa. They resume their passion.

FX: Door bell.

John leaps up and runs to the door. The neighbor has a bandaged hand.

Drunk: "Got any hot water?"

John punches the drunken neighbor in the face.

John: (Loudly) "Will you please just fuck off!"

Betty appears at the door behind John and peers over his shoulder at the neighbor.

Betty: "Talk about adding insult to injury..."

A new year?

If you measure your days by the Christian calendar it's now 2006.

I don't. But due to my religion not being recognized in official circles I'm stuck with it until the powers that be crumble under public pressure and allow me to re-date the days and months of the year.

My "New Year" was spent working behind the bar of the club.

But all was not as bad as it could have been. At 11:45pm the bar was closed for half an hour to allow the staff to see in the new year. So at 11:45 and 3 seconds I had a hold of a large Bacardi Limon and had skipped out the back door to head for a bench to wait for the celebratory fireworks to begin.

As I walked through the carpark I reached into my pocket, pulled out my cigarette packet and got a hold of the joint that I had prepared specially for the occasion, and lit it. Start as you mean to go on, and all that guff.

My MP3 player was turned to maximum, the joint was as strong as my drink and I stood in glorious solitude waiting for the bells. I thought of all the people I knew that had died in the last year, all the things I had done, all the things I had intended to do, and wondered what the next 12 months held in store for me.

In a moment of wonderfully cosmic timing, the first fireworks shot into the night sky around Edinburgh as my MP3 player played a sample from the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Hunter S Thompsons' words seeped into my brain like ether into a handkerchief...

"We'd gone in search of the American Dream. It had been a lame fuck around, a waste of time. There was no point in looking back. Fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy, I felt like a monster re-incarnation of Horatio Alger, a man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident."

I laughed out loud and began to dance a jig as the Dead Kennedy's version of Viva Las Vegas kicked in as the clouds were turned blood red by a firework large enough to make the gods pay attention.

"Here's to you Hunter!" I yelled and took a long drag on my joint. "Viva Las Vegas indeed."