Snort it up boys.

The UK is world renowned for it's disappointing medals tally in any kind of sports event. Put plain and simply, we're the team that's bordering on being admitted to the special Olympics because we're seen as a charity case.

But no longer.

We're now top of the European Cocaine abuser league table.

That's a thing to be proud of.

I should have been...

Born in Jamaica.

I'm currently choked with the cold as the winter weather has kicked in here in Scotland. We've had the first snow and the first failure of the council to get the gritting lorries out.

Why is it that without fail every year the entire country grinds to a halt as soon as the first snowflake hits the ground? I mean it's not like it's not expected. People all around the country can't start a conversation without mentioning the weather so how the fuck is it that the gritters aren't out? Scotland gets snow, everyone knows this. It's par for the course. It could snow here in July for fucks sake...

Taxi for Best.

God called last orders on George Best this week. It was also the week that saw 24 hour boozing. Ironic huh?

I'm not old enough to remember George at his best but I am old enough to have seen him play.

And I once did see him play. I also got a Christmas card from him. Well, kinda...

I can't remember what year it was, when my dad took me to Easter Road stadium to see Hibernian FC play some other equally poor Scottish football club, but I do remember being amazed when the teams emerged from the tunnel and George Best ran onto the pitch... Women screamed, old men murmured about how they were watching a legend play at Easter road, and kids my age dreamed of playing alongside him in a Hibs jersey.

At the end of the game my dad and I walked around to the players entrance to await George coming out, so I could ask him for his autograph, but he never emerged. My dad asked one of the door stewards how long he reckoned George would be and the steward replied that Mr Best had left the club by a different exit. I was gutted...

Until a couple of weeks later... When my dad presented me with an envelope that had arrived in the post. I opened it and saw that it was a Christmas card and that George Best had signed it.

Dear John,

Happy Christmas.

From George Best.

It said.

At the time I was a bit upset that it didn't have my name on it. Now I don't give a shit 'cos it gives me a nice little anecdote to put up here.

Thanks George.

It's been a while...

Since the last time I posted anything on here for you all to pick over like vultures on a rotting monkey carcass. But there is good reason, my friends, very good reason indeed.

Occasionally, I get a bit introverted and depressed. (Regular readers will have noticed this. You're a very perceptive bunch.) It's been one of those months for me.

The original reason for the depression is forgotten now, but a catalyst for it was asking myself how I would feel if someone I love was hit by cancer. Or some other debilitating disease.

I came to very few conclusions; I've never been all that good at hypothetical questions, as I can't know how I'd deal with something like that happening to one of my family, or indeed someone whom I consider a friend, until it is a reality. That's a reality I never want to have to deal with in my life. Ever. Period.

If just thinking about how I'd deal with something like that can floor me for a couple of weeks how on Gods green and blue would I survive the reality? Would I put on a brave face and keep my chin up to give hope to whomever it was that was struck? Would I crack like a peanut shell, lose my ability to string together sentences and retreat to my bed like I were returning to the womb?

Who knows? Not me.

To women never met.

A woman lies in a hospital bed riddled with cancer. Her daughter sits at her bedside and feels pain for which there is no known cure, like the thing that eats at her mothers body.

And my heart breaks.

I've never met either woman, but, this does not make a bit of difference.

Write about what you know.

It's been said that in order to be a halfway decent writer you have to write about what you know.

Problem is, I know nothing worth writing about.

Where are all the good men dead?

In the heart or in the head?

Personally I think I'm dead in the heart department more than in the head. I read too much to be dead in the head. But the heart? That's a different kettle of fish.

It began one sunny day at a harbor not far from where I used to work. That was the day my heart was shattered. Her name isn't important, her actions were.

Did her choice break me? Was her breaking my heart the thing that set me off on this path that I'm on? Fucked if I know. But I'm damn sure that her actions were the catalyst for me slowly, but surely, losing my ability to love.

I know that may sound a tad melodramatic but it is honestly how I feel. No bullshit.

Johhny and the alien. Part 6.

Isn't happening. Ever. Get over it.

The short story I was trying to write has been scrapped. I've no ideas as to how it can continue.

Should any of you lot out there in webland feel that it should continue then leave a comment saying why and I may attempt to do something with it.

abre los ojos.

And smell the coffee...

It's been a week of dreams for me this week. And by that I don't mean that this week seen the fulfillment of my hopes and desires, I mean I've slept a lot.

Fuck knows why. I haven't been any more tired than usual. I've just been sleeping lots. 18 hours on Monday, followed by a further 14 on Tuesday, then 12 and a half hours on Wednesday. Thursday was the only day when I slept less than a disgusting amount of hours, coming in at 6 hours. Friday was another 12 and a half hours.

Eileen, who I work beside, made the suggestion that it may have been because the clocks went back an hour last week and my body is reacting to the nights drawing in and the days getting shorter. Personally I think she was talking piss.

Should I figure out why I slept so much I'll let you know.

Johnny and the alien. Part 5.

"Do not be afraid." Said the alien, just as Johnny's legs gave up doing their job of keeping him upright and he crumpled to the floor of the spaceship. "You may lose the use of your body for a short time." Said the alien. Johnny's body felt as though it had turned to jelly.

Johnny tried to say something but all that came out of his mouth was nonsense.

"Multiverse travel can have this effect on most prime species." Said the alien. This made johnny feel a lot better. "Some of them even regain the use of their bodies after the shock to the system that multiverse travel produces." The alien continued.

Johnny panicked and tried to scream. More nonsense came from his mouth but it gradually became a loud scream. Johnny felt a bit silly and stopped screaming. His body began to become part of him again and he sat up.

"Thanks for the warning." He said to the alien, as he tried to find a comfortable position to sit in. He had pins and needles all over his body.
"There was no time." Said the alien. "Please be silent while I pilot the ship."
Johnny sat still, the pins and needles feeling gradually faded.

Johnny looked around the spaceship and saw that there were thousands of small colored lights hidden in the walls. The colors they were flashing were colors that Johnny had never seen before and he sat staring at them while the alien flew the spaceship.

A short time later the alien said, "We are in the multiverse now. The ship and it's contents are safe now." Johnny stood up and shook his arms and legs around to get his blood flowing again.

"I'm going to get into so much trouble when my mom finds out where I am." Said Johnny.
"At this present time you are nowhere." Said the alien.
"How?" Asked Johnny.
"We are traveling in the multiverse. There is no time here." Said the alien.
"I still don't understand." Said Johnny.
"Once you have had the Genetic Awakening Code inserted into your mind all will make sense." Said the alien.
"Yes, about that... I'm not sure I want to do it anymore." Said Johnny. The thought of injections scared him. "It's just that I don't like needles and it might hurt."
"There are no needles and you will feel no pain." Said the alien. "It is a simple procedure."

Johnny thought about it for a second or two and said, "Ok then. As long as it doesn't make me lose control of my body again. That felt weird."
"It will not. The ships computer will insert the information into your mind using a light beam. There will be no side effects." Said the alien.
"So what do you want me to do?" Asked Johnny.

The alien waved his hand in the air in front of itself and a thin shelf began to slide out from the side of the spaceship wall.

"Please lie down." Said the alien.

Johnny walked over to the shelf and lay down on it. Underneath him the shelf turned to a more liquid form and he felt it take on the shape of his body. A small robotic arm extended out of the wall above his head and positioned itself above Johnny's head.

"Please relax." Said the alien, as a small green light flicked on on the robotic arm. "Close your eyes. The procedure will take a short time."

Johnny closed his eyes and he heard a humming noise begin. As he lay with his eyes closed Johnny saw a small spec of light appear. A second small spec of light popped into existence. Then another. And another. And another. It was like looking into the night sky and seeing stars being switched on as though they were each controlled by a switch.

Johnny lay still and watched as more and more small specks of light began to appear in his eyes. The lights in his mind stopped popping into existence and he heard the aliens voice say to him, "Please focus your mind on one point of light."

Johnny picked a small point of light and concentrated on it. All the other lights began to get slightly dimmer and the light that johnny had chosen on got brighter. The light began to move towards him. Suddenly, the light he was watching flared into a giant ball and he felt like he was moving towards it.

Lights all around him began to pass out of his field of vision. The light he was concentrating on got brighter and brighter as it got closer and closer to Johnny. The light took up his whole field of vision and his stomach jumped as though he was on a rollercoaster.

The light popped out of existence and the darkness returned.

The alien said, "You may open your eyes now."
Johnny opened his eyes and looked at the alien. "Is that it?" He said.
"It is complete. You now have the genetic awakening code in your mind. It may take a couple of minutes for it to take full effect, this is normal." Said the alien.
"What was it that I saw?" Asked Johnny.
"You were shown a multiverse particle acceleration."
"A what?"
"Do you remember the point of light that you were concentrating on?" Asked the alien.
"Yes." Replied Johnny.
"That light was your solar systems sun. You chose it through your inbred race memory of the galaxy. Your genes have all the knowledge of the multiverse stored within them, the light you saw awakened those genes. You now know the multiverse."

Johnny felt strange. "Is it hot in here?" He asked.
"The room temperature inside this ship is the same as the temperature of your body." Said the alien.
"I feel a bit weird." Said Johnny.
"This will pass." Said the alien, just as Johnny fell to the floor in a faint and an alarm began to sound in the ship.

"Oh shood." Said the alien.

Johnny and the alien. Part 4.

The alien moved across the ship and waved his hand at a wall panel. A large rectangular shape with a small depression in it emerged out of the middle of the floor.
"What's that?" Asked Johnny.
"It is where I sit." Said the alien, bemused by the fact that Johnny didn't know what a seat was.

"Would you like to go anywhere?" asked the alien.
"I should be getting home soon." Said Johnny, remembering his mothers warnings not to stay out too late. "My mom doesn't like me being late and I'm not supposed to go anywhere with strangers."
"Your mother is very wise to tell you this." Said the alien. "My genetic code giver always said to me that there's a lot of nasty things in the Multiverse that will steal you and eat your legs so that you cannot run away."

"Are you going to eat my legs?" Asked Johnny, as he dropped to the floor and sat on his legs so that the alien couldn't eat them.
"No, My species does not eat." Said the alien.
"How do you get energy then?" Asked Johnny, remembering the time his mother had explained to him why people ate things.
"My species absorbs energy from the multiverse. We exist because of it, it exists because of us."
"Is that like the force in the star wars movies?" Asked Johnny, who had seen all the star wars movies with his mom.
"I am unable to make a comparison." Said the alien.
"Why?" Asked Johnny.
"I do not know what a Movie is." Said the alien.
"My mom works in a movie theatre." Said Johnny. "Maybe she could get you some tickets. The theatre might be busy though and you might have to sit next to someone with sharp elbows."
"Negative. I am forbidden from making my presence here known to more than one person." Said the alien.
"Why?" Asked Johnny.
"My mission is to meet one of the prime species of this planet and to evaluate if your species is ready to know the true nature of the multiverse." Said the alien.
"What's a prime species?" Asked Johnny, who was getting a little bit confused.
"The prime species is the species which has evolved to the point in evolution that involves spacetravel. Your species has reached this point. You are to be the subject of my mission." Said the alien.
"But I'm only eight years old." Said Johnny.
"Only in the physical form. You have lived for more time than you can conceive at your present mental age." Said the alien.
"I don't understand." Said Johnny.

Johnny was getting really confused. All this clever talk was ok for adults and scientists like Dr Watson who lived across the street from Johnnys house but to Johnny it was all a bit puzzling.

"I can allow you to understand everything I say to you if you want." Said the alien.
"How?" Asked Johnny.
"My ships computer can insert the knowledge into your brain." Said the alien.
Johnny thought about this and then said, "No thank you. I think I should be going home now." It was getting dark outside and Johnnys mom had told him to come home before the street lights on the road had come on.

Johnny stood up and began to walk towards the steps. "It was nice to meet you though." Said Johnny as he began to walk down the steps to go home.

"Will your spaceship be able to make the flight back to your planet?" Asked Johnny.
"Yes. My craft is fully operational. It will continue to search the multiverse after I report to my superiors." Said the alien.
"You'll get to meet lots of other prime species then." Said Johnny, trying to hide the fact that he was sad to have to say goodbye to the alien.
"I will meet no more prime species. I failed my mission and I will be denied from traveling in the multiverse." Said the alien.

Johnny looked at the alien, it looked sad. There wasn't a sad look on its face, somehow Johnny felt that the alien was sad.

"I'm sorry." Said Johnny, trying to hide the tears that were slowly building up in his eyes.
"You have no reason to be apologetic Johnny. I will return to my planet and do what I must. Even if it means I am deleted." Said the alien.

"Deleted?" Said Johnny.
"Yes, I failed a mission before this one and was warned that if I was unsuccessful in my next mission I would be deleted." Said the alien.
"But it's not your fault, I have to go home, won't they give you a punishment instead. At my school if you do something wrong the teacher makes you sharpen all the pencils before you get to go home." Said Johnny.

"My council does not use pencils." Said the alien.

In the distance Johnny could hear his mom calling his name from the back of the yard at the other side of the woods.

"Your mother is calling you. You must return home as must I." Said the alien.
"But my mom isn't going to delete me." Said Johnny, "Your council is."
"There is nothing you can do to prevent this." Said the alien.
"What if I took the test?" Said Johnny.
"If you took the test you would have to have the Genetic awakening code inserted into your mind and take the necessary tests to determine whether or not your species is ready for the multiverse." Said the alien.

Johnnys moms voice was getting louder. "She must be coming to get me. If she sees the spaceship I'll be in a lot of trouble." Thought Johnny. If his mom saw him standing next to a multi-chronological-dimension-shifter he certainly would be in a lot of trouble.

"But not as much trouble as the alien when the council got to hear that he had failed another mission." Said a voice inside Johnnys head.

Johnny suddenly turned around and said "I want to take the test."
"But your mother is coming. There is not enough time to do the tests before she arrives at our location." Said the alien.
"Then fly somewhere and we'll do them there." Said Johnny.
"Are you sure?" Asked the alien.

As Johnny thought about whether or not to say yes he saw a flashlight beam coming through the trees. It was his mom coming to look for him. Johnny had to make a decision.

"Yes. I'll do the tests, now lets go quickly, before my mom sees the spaceship."
"Affirmative." Said the alien as it waved a hand in the air in front of its seat. The steps whooshed into the side of the spaceship and the hatchway closed. A low humming noise began to get louder.

Johnnys mom stepped around a tree just in time to see the spaceship disappear.

George Bush Don't Like Black People (Remix)

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There can be only one...

The Highlander film was never this funny. Or feature so many rabbits.

Highlander in 30 seconds with bunnies.

Check out more hilarious re-enactments of popular movies at The Angry Alien.

Johnny and the Alien. Part three.

The alien spoke again. "Donut be all fried."
"Pardon me?" Said Johnny, unsure of what the alien meant.
"Dew night be a frayed" Said the alien, wondering why Johnny was having problems understanding his own language.

(This had happened before while the alien was attempting to communicate with a new Planet. All kinds of mayhem had been brought about by the alien after it had visited a planet in the Two Suns Solar System and had mispronounced the words for "I come in peace" and had ended up saying "I am here to make you into small parts."
The Alien remembered being brought in front of the council when it had returned to its home planet and being questioned as to how a simple L & I (land and introduce) had ended up with the destruction of twenty-three planets after a war that lasted a thousand years.)

"Do you mean, do not be afraid?" Said Johnny, interrupting the aliens train of thought.
"Yarse. Do not be afraid." Replied the alien, remembering to stick to the methods of introduction course it had been forced to learn in the L & I re-education class.

"OK then." Said Johnny.
"I have want of assistance to bring my craft level." Said the alien, as it looked at its ship.
"I can go and get my mom to call the rescue truck man if you want." Said Johnny.
"Negative."
"It wouldn't take long, my house isn't far away and I don't think my mom will mind."
"Negative. I have stretched hor dourves to follow." Said the alien, totally confusing Johnny.
"I don't understand." Said Johnny.
"I am under guidance from my superior."
"You mean strict orders" Johnny said, having realized what it was that the alien meant.
"Yarse, Strict Orders."

Johnny looked at the spaceship and wondered how only two people, actually one 8 year old and an alien, could possibly turn a spaceship the right way up. "We'll never manage to turn it the right way up, it's too big for us to lift." He said, as he turned around to see the alien was attempting to scramble up the smooth surface of the ramp it had landed on when it fell out of the ship and landed at Johnnys feet.

The alien managed to get halfway up the ramp but then slid back down and landed in a crumpled heap at Johnnys feet. Again. "Snargle-flaggle-shood." Said the alien as it picked itself up.

"It looks like your feet can't get a grip on the ramp. I've got good grips on my shoes, would you like me to try?" Offered Johnny.

"Yarse." Said the alien.
"You mean, yes." Said Johnny.
"Affirmative. I mean yes."
"OK then." Said Johnny taking a few steps back from the bottom of the ramp so he could get a run at it.

Johnny ran as fast as he could and ran up the slope of the ramp. Just as he began to feel his feet slipping on the slick surface of the ramp he threw himself head first into the spaceship and grabbed a lever that was sticking out of the wall of the craft.

"Shood." Said the alien, as it realized that Johnny had accidentally grabbed the correct lever to set the spaceship right way up again. Unfortunately Johnny hadn't pushed the anti gravity button first and with a loud WHOOSH the spaceship flipped over and Johnny was thrown around the ship like a doll in a washing machine.

Johnny screamed as the spaceship righted itself and hit his head for a second time that day.

The spaceships computer scanned the surrounding area and landed gently. A set of steps hissed out of the side of the ship and the alien walked up them to find Johnny rubbing his head and complaining.

"You could have told me that was going to happen." Said Johnny.
The alien ignored Johnny and walked towards one of the walls. The alien lifted its hand and waved it at the wall. A small light flicked to life on the wall and a picture of Johnny appeared. "Gee-bonity-screed" Said the alien.

A small robotic arm dropped from the roof of the craft in front of Johnny and a green light beam began to flash on and off. After a few seconds there was a small bleep and the alien pushed a button and the robotic arm disappeared back into the roof.

"What was that?" Asked Johnny.
"I was scanning your mind to find the correct language base so we can communicate as efficiently as possible." Said the alien.
"Wow, that's cool. Can you do that with anyone?" Asked Johnny.
"Yes, I can scan the mind of any species in the multiverse and communicate with it."
"Multiverse? What's that?" Enquired Johnny.
"The multiverse is where my ship flies."
"So it doesn't fly in outer space like the spaceships in the movies?" Asked Johnny.
"Strictly speaking, no. My ship is a multi-chronological-dimension-shifter."
"A what?" asked Johnny.
"In terms that you will understand, it's a time and space machine." Said the alien.

Johnny thought about this for a second or so and then said, "You mean that you can travel where-ever and when-ever you want to?" with an excited look on his face.

"Yes." Answered the alien.

And this is where you the reader of this blog can get involved.

I have no idea where this story is going. None. Nada, Not a clue. So in order to get my imagination flowing I'm going to throw YOU the chance to decide where the story should go from here.

Should Johnny and the alien go...

• To another planet.
  
• To another Time.
• To Johnnys house to meet his parents.

Please let me know your choice by leaving a note in the comments.

It's more Googletastic.

It's My own personal google.

It's vain and egocentric I know, but I like it.