Why I can never have kids.

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If I was to become a parent...

I couldn't chastise my kids for doing things that society deems to be wrong. I couldn't search through their rooms looking for drugs, if I did, chances are I'd take them myself. "Cool, free drugs..."

I couldn't handle them as a small bundle, I'd be too scared I'd drop it after one too many rum and cokes and brain damage the poor little fucker.

I couldn't lie to them about Santa, the tooth fairy, the boogeyman or god. I'd be too scared that the little shit would turn out to be just as confused as to what life is as I am now thanks to the same influences when I was a kid.

I'd be scared that I'd be a shake the baby parent. There are certain days when all it'd have to do is start crying on the last lap of a Moto GP race and I'd snap. "C'mere you little shit... Oops, I think I broke it."

Which is why I can never have kids.

And that's ignoring the fact that, due to the chemicals that I've pumped into my system over the last few years, any child of mine is likely to be a spongeheaded mutant.

Comments

Divemaster GranDad said…
{sigh}...We all say we'll never do the same things as our parents did to us, but lo and behold, give it a year (usually about the time it takes for the rugrat to become compus mentis for the first time) and guess what happens? "Ooooo, see what Santa brought you...", "Oi, put that fuckin' vase down", (say the next one in a Scottish accent)..."Ah'll gie ye sumthin tae greet aboot, ya wee bastard".

Actually, no, I didn't beat my child as I'm sure she will testify to. But I was firm, yet fair, in my limited raising of her. Perhaps because of my time in her youth she has grown up to be the open-minded young lady she is. Point is, there are some things we just can't get away from in life. One of those is reflecting, occasionally, on the few things where we became just like our parents.
8:01 am
jenny said…
Steven is right, we do all say we won't do what our parents did...but you do to a certain extent. To be fair though as you get older and become a parent yourself you realise it's not the easiest job in the world and you handle it as best you can...inevitably some fuck it up big time while others just have the knack. I hope I DO manage to do the job like my parents did...they were the perfect balance. We were taught respect, manners and how to deal with almost any situation but were also showered with love, laughter and allowed to stretch our wings and find our own feet...sis and I have done ok. At the end of the day as long as your kids are happy healthy and secure that's all that matters, It's a cliche but hearing your child's laughter or seeing them smile makes your day. You Ross underestimate yourself again. You would be a fantastic father.
1:22 pm
Divemaster GranDad said…
ROTFL....that's brilliant, Lee...
7:59 am
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