Almost Dead...

At 11am this morning I rose from my bed and smiled at the bright new day ahead of me. My depression had vanished mysteriously during the night and I was ready to face the world again. I popped the kettle on and had a coffee while I booted up the PC to check my E-Mail.

After I deleted the fifteen E-Mails offering me Viagra at very low prices I pulled on a t-shirt and went to work tidying up my apartment. Whistling happily to myself I got tore in.

About an hour and a half later I grabbed a towel and headed into the bathroom to have a shower. I stepped into the warmth of the water, reached for my razor, and began shaving. Which was when I saw it...

My first grey hair.

In a moment of disbelief I did a double take. Then yelled. "What the fuck! A grey hair!"

I stood staring into the mirror and cursed like a trooper with tourettes. I threw scorn and derision upon all the people in my life that could have told me that when you see your first grey hair you almost shit yourself.

As I stood talking to myself in the mirror, which I do quite a lot, I asked my reflection why it was that my Dad hadn't mentioned this to me in the past. There has been plenty opportunity for him to do so, so why didn't he?

Surely the trauma of discovering you have a grey hair is something that sticks in your mind. Why couldn't he have dropped a small warning into a conversation... "So son, how is work going? Are you keeping busy? By the way, before I forget, when you get your first grey hair you'll panic like a big fucking blouse and think your life is over..." Or something to that effect.

The the answer hit me. Revenge. No-one had told him what to expect when he got his first grey hair and he took it upon himself to pay out his revenge upon me. He no doubt remembered the shock and surprise of seeing his first grey hair. He must have. He's not senile... Yet.

It's akin to what happens when you bring your first girlfriend/boyfriend home and your mother pulls out the old photo albums and starts to show your first love pictures of you when you were younger. Oh sure, You promise yourself that when you have kids you won't subject your kids to the same ridicule, but as soon as you have a kid out comes the camera and you begin taking pictures. Not as mementos, as you tell yourself, but to have ammunition in the future for your inevitable payback.

It's a vicious circle. And I have a cure for it. From now on when I see someone who is young, sprightly and has a full head of hair that isn't flecked with grey I'll stop them for a few seconds and tell them in a hushed voice...

"When you discover your first grey hair you'll do one of three things, A; Panic. B; Scream. Or C; Both of the above... And by the way, doing that thing doesn't make you go blind."