Sometimes.

I wonder.

I wonder if there is someone out there for me. Some woman who will love me as though I were the air that she breathes, the water she drinks and the stars that shine in the skies.

Sara and I have been at a friends house all night. She's had a few glasses of wine and has that all too familiar feeling of the world in motion.
"Ross, Do you have a bucket?" I hear her say from the next room, "The room is spinning and I feel sick."
I put my cigarette out and shuffle to the bedroom where Sara lies in my bed.
"What sweetheart?" I ask. I look towards her in the half light that is spilling from the hall to see her face shining like an angels.
"I don't feel good. I'm going to throw up."
"Who's fault is that?" I ask.
"Don't be nasty. I'm not well. Sing to me" She says.
"I can't sing" I reply.
"Sing "A spoonful of sugar" to me." She asks, and then begins to sing the song in Swedish.
"I don't know the words in Swedish" I state.
"Marcus used to tell me really boring stories to get me to sleep" She says.
"I don't know any boring stories. I could read you something if you want."
"OK."
My jeans make a shwooshing noise as I walk to the living room and grab my copy of The Essential Spike Milligan. The first book that comes to hand.
I shuffle back to the bedroom and lie on top of the duvet as Sara lies beneath the covers. I open the book at a random page and begin to read.

I read Spike's words to Sara and for the first time in my life know what it feels like to be alone in the world. Here I am reading to a woman who has always made me feel at ease with myself and yet I have never let her know what I think of her. I want to tell her I care about her more than she knows and that I will always be there if she needs me. But, I don't. I read Spikes words explaining how alone he feels in a ward full of people who do not know one another and my heart breaks when I realize how much love I have in my heart for Sara.

I look towards her and see that she has fallen asleep.

I keep reading. This moment, to me, is perfection. A beautiful woman sleeps next to me, my mind is still and uncluttered, my breath mixes with hers and I feel the warmth of her body next to mine.

Only a thin layer seperates us. I stop reading and I look at the face of this angel who sleeps in my bed.

"Nice dreams darling." I say and begin the longest walk of my life. Away from Sara.