res ipsa loquitor.

I received a piece of praise-mail today. My first one.

Well, Almost my first, if you don't count

"Intense"

from Jason Mulgrew. Who, I am told, is an internet quasi-celebrity. ( Does it matter that internet quasi-celebrity was his own opinion? Fucked if I know. It's one of those things that may never be known. But, anyhoo; I digress...)

Here's the mail I was sent...

Dear Editor,

Re: The web page of Ross Douglas

I write this letter with a mixture of quiet pleasure and also a heavy heart. Having browsed through the above website I have noticed since my last visit a large increase in the number of poems gracing the screen. Some of which are truly beautiful and have touched my soul in such a way that a small but wet tear trickled down my full, freckled cheek. However, I feel I must draw attention to the fact that this Ross Douglas is in fact a sham.

It has become clear that this is not a man torn apart by a lack of love from females or indeed a lack of sexual gratification from the female kind but is in fact a gigolo, a cad and a lover who runs a close parallel to valentino himself. The reason I have made this conclusion is that many of the aforementioned poems are related entirely to a succession of lovers. Yes, I am aware that this will include unrequited love, love as seen from a distance but never acted upon and the odd bitch who has no doubt shagged him, promised him the world and dumped him in a cruel calculating manner as only a woman can. But this does not take from the fact that Ross Douglas appears in fact to have been "in love" on numerous occasions.

His many odes to the ladies that have graced his life surely back up my theory. The man is indeed a fraudster who not only knows what true love is but is a master of it's art. Indeed strange as it seems this man is probably the one of the world's geniuses who uses love's bittersweet and tragic side to lure women to him before proceeding to reel them in and placing them under his spell with magical words of love and romance.

I would go as far as to stake my reputation (which means nothing) on saying that this man is indeed the greatest lover this universe has ever seen. He plays with women's emotions, relays tales of lonesome masturbation and despair, implies the emptiness of his life and his admiration for the female form with such sweet phrases that women all over the globe are drawn to him. This man, this Ross Douglas is a man to be approached with caution, indeed should come with a warning. Let us not be fooled by his deep, thoughtful, isolated appearance and let us see the true nature of his genius with women and his manipulative ways. The evidence is their for us all to see, hundreds of broken hearted women who have tasted his love and been cast aside, unable to allow another man near them in the same way as they are tainted and spoiled from the loving of this man.

I am pleased I have gotten this off my (small but perfectly formed) chest. One more thing before I leave you Mr Editor - Any idea how I get his phone number??

Yours

Jenny Shaw.

How I laughed when I'd read it and saw that it was an old friend that had written it. Thanks Jenny, With friends like you I'll stay nuttier than squirell shit 'til the day I shuffle off this mortal coil.