The mind can play some nasty tricks on you at times.
While walking through the desert thirsty for water you may see a mirage shimmer and take shape in front of you, a glorious looking fountain pouring forth clean fresh water, you run towards it, your feet leave the ground and you sail through the air in a lengthwise dive to swim in it’s crystal clear depth’s only to find that you are swimming in sand and have swallowed several mouthfuls.
My mind loves to play tricks on me. It keeps popping up haunting memories while I sleep.
Why do dreams seem so real? Why do I always wake before any comprehensible information is given or got? Shit, I wish I knew. The reason for this ramble into the deepest depth’s of the fountain that is me is that I was visited by my first love last night as I slept and it’s shaken me to the core of my very being. There are days when I think of her while I'm awake but thanks to the passage of time those memories are mostly nice ones.
It’s when I'm sleeping and the subconscious takes over that pain is inflicted. Anyone fancy doing a frontal lobotomy? No? I didn’t think so. It’s always been a bit of a taboo in this society, hacking part of a friends brain out in order to silence demons past and present.
It’s a shame really; I really could do with a good night’s sleep without the unalterable past kicking hell out my heart and soul. I often wonder if I am the only person who is haunted by ghosts from the past but I'm in no way unique when it comes to having had my heart broken so I don’t wonder for very long.
Maybe if I were to actually talk to someone about it, rather that just sitting here and writing my thoughts out as though writing is a catharsis that can vanquish the demons that come in the night to torture me as I sleep.
So whom can I talk to about this curse that plagues me? A shrink? Fuck no. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. A friend? Definitely not. Most of my friends think I'm balancing on the knife-edge of sanity at the best of times as it is, I wouldn’t want to alienate them any more than I have already.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking I should talk with my first love. Well bubba, erase that thought from the blackboard of your mind ‘cos it aint gonna happen. My psychological problems are ingrained in my psyche and not in hers. Even though she is the cause of my angst I bear her no grudges and I wouldn’t want to relieve my burden by piling it onto her.
There are also times when the specter of my first love appears to me while I am awake, you know what I mean. You’re walking down the street and you spot someone long gone walking up ahead of you, you quicken your pace to catch up and as soon as you speak the spell is broken and you‘re facing a complete stranger who is looking at you like a social pariah. I’m sure that has happened to you before. The lord knows it’s happened to me, and no doubt it will continue relentlessly until my soul is splintered beyond repair.
Who knows what the future holds for me? Sure as shit smells I don’t. If it’s written in the book of my life that I should love, as strongly as I did once before, then it’ll happen. Once more my spirit shall fly on Loves updraft like a phoenix flying from the ashes of it’s former self.
No comments:
Post a Comment