Which is tragic really, when you think about it. The poor bugger only wanted a wee part time job to get him out the house and thought that the idea of Christmas wouldn't last much longer than a couple of years. Little did he know that as soon as he'd got his feet under the table (a house was one of the perks of the job) of the cottage in Lapland the Boys from head office appeared and turned it all upside down...
Gone were the handmade wooden soldiers (for the boys) and the handmade wooden dolls (for the girls) and in came the production lines, health and safety, time and motion studies and unpaid overtime for people under the height of 4'6". From that day forward Santa was been stuck in a job he hates but can't quit because he'd lose the pension and the heath plan. (Mrs Claus has terrible arthritis due to the cold.)
Because of this Santa has became bitter and twisted.
In the early years of Christmas all the people of the earth got a gift upon the day of Jesus's birth and all was well in the world. Muslims, Jews, buddhists and non believers were treated equally and no one complained. This lasted for about 60 years. Then Santa turned nasty...
"Fuck these people!" Yelled Santa one day after a particularly long session on the sauce. "They'll wish they were never born when I'm done with Christmas!" He ranted. Thus began his downward spiral. Gone were the days of gifts for all faiths, never more were the naughty children treated the same as well behaved children and God help anyone who didn't leave cookies and milk for Santa and a carrot for the reindeer.
In the early days of his breakdown Santa was occasionally known to make stool on the floor of the house of anyone who dared not to leave full cream milk and chocolate chip cookies. The boys from the office soon stopped that though when they threatened to give Santa the "Heave-ho-ho-ho" (The boys from the office were humourless, soulless pricks and thought this was funny. It isn't. Only a simpleton [or a traffic warden] would think that was worth a laugh and not a groan.) for punching Rudolph the reindeer on the nose, causing an unreversable reddening of his nose...
And that is the story of Christmas that isn't much told these days. The church has tried to ban its teaching and there is a papal order to "Neutralize" anyone who tells it. I'll be fine though because the papacy and I have recently reached an agreement. They'll leave me alone if I stop sending my followers to punch the pope...
