A Journey into nonsense.

I said in a post a couple of weeks ago; Jesus, was it that long ago? How time flies when you're hiding from the world; that "To be a half decent writer you have to write about what you know."
So, here goes. Writing about what I know.

There's only one way to skin a cat... Properly. A shabbily skinned cat isn't skinned. If you've ever see a cat that's been improperly skinned I'm sure you'll agree with me. You're like that... I can tell that by how nicely groomed and respectable you look. But I digress... From whatever I was talking about to your appearance.

What was I talking about? Was I even talking? Technically, no. I was typing. But you know what I mean. Lets not get caught up in semantics. It wouldn't do either of us any good.

Anyhoo... Skinned cats. What uses do they have? Rugs? Yes, but only the fur will suffice for this purpose. Who wants to walk into a finely decorated lounge to see the rotting corpse of a cat laid out on the floor? Not me that's for sure...

There's something about that image that would make me make my excuses and depart from said lounge. No matter what variety of alcohol and canapes the host has on offer. Chicken vol-e-vonts may be nice with cristal champagne but making small talk over the body of a tabby cat isn't my scene.

Please note; The size of the cat skin is also an equation in whether it can be used for decorative purposes. Tiger, lion, leopard and cheetah are of adequate size for a rug. Household moggie should be steered clear of for even the smallest of rooms. (They never tell you that on all those decorating shows on TV do they?)

And what about uses for the part of the cat that's no longer attached to the pelt... This would be the dripping, sticky, red and slightly warm part of the freshly skinned feline for those of you unfamiliar with skinned cats... What uses does that have?

Attempting to sell it to your local Chinese take-away joint is inadvisable... I personally have experience of this and would not wish upon you the same fate. Being chased along the road by several angry Chinese chefs waving razor sharp meat cleavers may seem very exiting, not to mention dramatic looking for anyone who happens to bear witnesses, but it's not. It's hard work. And this is something which should be avoided. At all costs.

For those of you in possession of a well preserved moggie body and a spirit of adventure there is always the temptation to try to make something practical. This urge should not be fought. Many of the worlds great creations have come about because of this urge.

One idea most amateur taxidermist toy with is a reading lamp.

And in theory it is a good idea, the stomach cavity of an average sized household cat is the perfect size for a standard sized light bulb and the tail makes for routing the power cable easy, but difficulties can arise when trying to preserve the corpse sufficiently against the heat of an adequate wattage lightbulb. Reading by a light that isn't bright enough can damage your eyes. If you had cats eyes that wouldn't be a problem but you don't so please remember to steer clear of the temptation to make a reading lamp.

The most popular use for the smaller breeds is an umbrella stand. The work mainly consists of fixing together the paws, to allow umbrellas to stand freely, and varnishing.

The larger breeds, Lion and Tiger mainly, are perfect for garden ornamentation. Products like creosote and other wood stains should be avoided. A light skim plaster over the corpse should suffice for protection against the elements.

Cheetahs, Lynx and Leopard, while not suitable for outdoors use, make good staircase endings where a flaring staircase leads into the hallway. Ocelot skeletons make perfect supports for the banister but please remember to rub them down regularly with beeswax to keep the bone in tip top condition. Doing this will not only preserve the color of the bone but will almost certainly put value onto your home should you put it onto the meercat. Oops, I mean market.

Disclaimer. No cats were harmed during the writing of this post. I waited until I'd finished. Then I got stuck right in with a carving fork and a hatchet.