Good news for me, Useless information for you.

I got a text message from Siggi my Swedish freind today letting me know she's coming to visit me. Whooo Hooo. I'm looking forward to it with glee.

Oh Fuck. I think I'm turning into a pensioner. I just stated that I'm looking forward to something with glee. That does it. I'm putting all my efforts into getting the sack from my work. It's all their fault. Last week, for example, I was standing in the gents taking a piss and a club member, no pun intended, was informing me about how a Doctor checks your prostrate and that his arsehole has never been the same again.
I actually stood and listened. Normally I'd have screamed something obscene and walked away. Ok, so I was dick-out and pissing but that's not the point. I could have cut off the piss at the blink of an eye and been out of there quick stylee.

Working in a lawn bowling club must infect you with old cunt's disease or something.

One for the list...

I have another name to add to my list of people whom I'm going to kill when the revolution comes. My dentist.
After having three teeth removed yesterday I now have a jaw ache that is just too painful to be the after effects of tooth extraction. I think it may be an abcess.
By Christ, Allah, Bhudda and Ganesh; Does it hurt.
I'd be in less pain if someone was kicking my balls for target practise.

But that's enough of that. Here's a picture of me.

Scary aint it? Feel free to print out a copy to place upon your mantle to keep the kids away from the fire.

Gimme morphine for the love of god.

I was at the dentists today and had three teeth removed. My jaw is currently hurting like Mike Tyson took offense at me and popped me one on the chin.
The dentist told me no drink and no smoking so I can't even escape the pain by drinking and doping myself enough to pass out.
I'm also not in the mood to sit here typing out this shit, that no fucker ever reads, so I'm going to throw the Quake3 disk in and try to take my mind off my physical pain by inflicting some digital death.

Laughter.

It's the best medicine.

And who would disagree? You? Yeah, well fuck you...

I finished work tonight and sat down with a Rum & Coke to watch "The World Stands Up" on the Paramount channel and saw two of the funniest stand ups I have ever had the pleasure to witness.

The first comedian up was a guy named John Pinette and I'd recommend him to anyone. Please check out his work at his site.

The second comedian to catch my eye, and also my heart 'cos she's Smokin' Hot and has the sexiest accent I've ever heard, was a feisty raven haired Italian american named Tammy Pescatelli. A woman who deserves to go far as she has the rare combination of beauty, brains and a great gift for making the day to day mundane things incredibly funny.

DVD Day.

I spent all day yesterday watching DVD's while lying on the couch with my duvet. It really was a shockingly indulgent way to spend a day but I couldn't be arsed doing anything more challenging than handling a remote control.
On Tuesday afternoon I popped into Virgin in Edinburgh and splurged some £££'s on DVD's. More than I know I have a budget for but as I could die at any moment I figured why not.
I bought...

• Totally Bill Hicks.
• 2001 A Space odyssey.
• The Crow. (2 Disk set)
• Donnie Darko.
• Withnail & I.
• Shaun of the Dead.
• Bill & Teds Excelent Adventure. (Double disk including, Bill & Teds Bogus journey.)
• Richard Pryor Live (Double disk including, Stir Crazy).
• The Matrix.

After finishing work on Tuesday at midnight I began my DVD day. My stock of chocolate, juice, Ciggies, skins & weed were arranged on the table close to hand. I finally went to bed at 8am this morning and have only surfaced from my pit ten minutes ago.

Now I have to go to work again. Bummer.

It's the all new nazi show!

The world is up in arms that Prince Harry was photographed wearing a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party.

How funny is that? A member of the british royal family dressing up a Nazi. It kills me.

You'd think that a royal would have the common sense to know better. Or if he is so stupid that his braincells didn't spark sufficiently enough to let him know it would be a bit offensive then you'd think that one of his flunkies in the palace would have put forwards the suggestion that going to the party dressed as a horses ass may be a better idea. At least then he wouldn't have to dress up for it.

The leader of the opposition has stated that Prince harry should make a public appearence to apologize for his mistake. Good idea I say. Get him to stand on the balcony of Buckinham palace with large union flags behind him and scream out to the gathered hoards "Ich bein ein dumkoff!"

Even though I'm sitting here taking the piss out of Harry (Or should that be Hans?) for not being bright enough to work out just how stupid a move it was I have to say he may only have done it to carry on a family tradition...

Edinburgh blogger dismissed from employment for satirical blog postings.

Today the free newspaper The Metro ran a story on a fellow Edinburgh based blogger being sacked from his job because of his satirical postings on the Woolamaloo Gazette. This is a shocking attempt by a giant corporation to kick the shit out of the little guy who speaks his mind and I will no longer be going into ANY Wankerstones* bookstore.


*I don't work in Waterstones so they can't fire me from my job. Eat that, fuckers.

As an addendum to this posting what makes me mad is that I have posted hatefull spiteful shit about my work and not once have they fired me. Fucking swines.

And also in the news...

I have a new blog.

Feel free to check it out.
Or don't.
See if I give a shit.

Please pass me the ice...

After being offline for a few weeks due to me being a total retard when it comes to computers I'm now back with a blast. Due to me having got used to not having to write much while I was offline I may seem a bit more disjointed than usual in my postings for a wee while.

During my forced sabatical I spent a lot of time reading books, learning how to juggle, learning the Balducci levitation & generally pondering on the nature of existence. Oh, and listening to more music than is good for me. Well, you gotta have a soundtrack in life to keep the Gods that watch over us interested.

Also during my time offline I had some work done on my house. I am now the proud owner of a shower in my bathroom, (where else would you put one?) a shelf in my bedroom and a bookcase in my sitting room.

The things that have become most apparent in the last couple of weeks are... I own a very ecclectic collection of books and music, and I have too much of both. The bookshelf is more than six feet tall, seven feet wide and about a foot deep and I have almost filled it with my books and my LP's.

For the younger people reading this, an LP is what we used to record music on. We didn't have all them new fangled CD things in my day... (We had to walk five miles to school... Uphill both ways... I remember when all this was fields... We had respect for our elders... Mars bars were bigger then... A 10p mixture contained more than 10 sweeties... And you could get a bus into town without some young whippersnapper shouting obscenities at the elderly........)

I'm now back online after a few weeks of forced withdrawl due to my PC crashing like a second-hand SCUD missile.

Quite a lot of things have happened to me since the last time I posted but I won't bore you all with these stories just at the present moment... I'll keep them to bore you with at a later date.

A new year. Another chance for me to realise some dreams and ambitions.

On the list of things to do this month...

• Create a web site for selling my own brand of T-shirts.
• Call friends.
• Let my family know I love and appreciate them.