"I fought in a war you know."

I hear that all the time thanks to where I work being mostly populated by people over the age of 70-80. And to be honest with you I feel like killing them where they stand.
That annoys the shit outta me, the whole attitude that anyone older than you should be treated with respect at all times. Fuck that. I respect those who deserve my respect.
The one that gets my goat the most is when you are sitting on a bus which is full to capacity and some doddering old cunt gets on and flashes his concession bus-pass at the driver, approaches you and looks at you like you are something that the dog shat out on the patio and says something along the lines of "Are you not going to let an old man sit down?"
My usual reply is "Fuck off... I paid for this seat. you got on for nothing."
For some reason this causes anger and rage surge through their feeble frame and they begin to rant about how "If it wasn't for me and my generation fighting in the war you'd be speaking German sonny."
Being an uncaring cunt when it comes to arrogant old fuckwits who think that the world owes them something because they were stupid enough to join the armed forces I always let loose my opinion on this...
"Listen Adolf, I didn't ask you to go fight in the war. Why don't you and the rest of the chelsea pensioners just shuffle off this mortal coil and let the rest of the world get on with life. The war ended almost 60 years ago, and frankly no one under the age of forty gives a fuck how many poor, innocent pricks you killed in the name of freedom... At your age you're lucky to be still breathing... Do us both a favour and stand for the rest of the journey, face it, at your age you aint got long left so if I was you I'd get in as much standing up as you possibly can before you get stuffed in a box and have a nice long lie under six feet of earth."

is he at it again?

I read in the newspaper today that a few hundred votes have went missing in florida. (60,000 according to reuters).
What the fuck is up with that state? they should change it's name from the "sunshine state" to the "easily rigged" state. Is jeb still running the show there? I pity the world (mostly countries that are oil rich and have lots of brown people to kill in them.) if bush gets ellected for another four years.
What I'd like to know is why the fuck does america keep giving the Bush family a licence to steal huge amounts of money and to piss on it's constitution? are americans that stupid? God I hope not.

Project. Part II.

Well, as I have now got five minutes of stand up comedy written I need to do a couple of things.

#1. Practise my delivery.
No problem there, i'll just learn the routine and try it out at work.

#2. Get an open mic spot.
Difficult one this. But I do have a couple of leads to follow up on so I shall get onto that in the morning. I know I can get an open spot at the stand ( http://www.thestand.co.uk ) if I call up and ask nicely.
I would call the local Jongleurs and ask for an open spot at their club but I really think that Jongleurs is to comedy what McDonalds is to fine dining. Do you want fries with that joke?


So this is what I am to do next. learn my set by heart, get an open mic spot.

Quest for knowledge update.

Finished five Arthur C Clark books so far and have also finished The Sicillian.
Started to read and Finished reading, The Bourne Supremacy. Robert ludlum.
Re-read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hunter S Thompson.
Re-read To kill a mockingbird. Harper Lee.

I really can't think of a title.

As another day draws to a close I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I keep torturing myself by going to work everyday.
Believing, as I do, that there is knowledge hidden in all things if you know how to listen, I realise that I must give up work and let that which is to happen, happen.
A line of Bill Hicks keeps springing to my mind, teasing me to test my faith.

"Let Go, Let God."

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Call it senseless, mindless, purile, shallow or insane I have decided that I am an authority on a subject and so should therefore be addressed as DR Ross Douglas. Or I should at least have initials after my name.
"But..." I imagine you are asking, "what are you an authority on Ross? Physics, Chemistry, Philosophy, Biology....?" No. None of the above. I am an authority on myself.
So in recognition of duties performed in advancing the knowledge of myself I hereby decree that from this day onwards I shall be known as...

The Right and Honorable Doctor Ross Douglas. Aoh, Bng, Tfs.

I would do an acceptance speech but modesty prevails. Thankfully.

(The initials after my name stand for... Authority on himself, Bloody nice guy, Totally free spirit.)

The quest for knowledge.

Having gorged myself on comedy for the last couple of weeks I have reached the stage where I am sick of it.
So for the next couple of weeks i'll be reading. I have 26 books by Arthur C Clark to plunge my way through and have already polished off 2 of them.
I also read the Godfather by Mario Puzo this week and have just started to read the Sicillian.

Project update.

Having set myself the task of writing a ten minute comedy routine last week I am pleased to announce I have completed five minutes of material.

It has been a week or so of madness at work due to the manager being off and the assistant manager taking over the reigns of the club. If there is a God she'll be dead in the morning.

Rendez-Vous ( Live Version ) _AERO_

I'm sitting here listening to Jean Michel Jarre's new album AERO and I'm in absolute amazement how one piece of music on it has moved me to tears.
As the sound of a helicopter rotor blades whips through my mind the noise of hundreds of thousands of people cheering, clapping and reveling in the sheer joy of music builds to a heart lifting crescendo.
For the next seven minutes and thirty-four seconds I floated on a cloud of emotion. Chemicals within my body sent signals to my mind. Images formed of me standing in Paris on the Champs Elysees watching the Paris night sky light up with lasers and searchlights.
In my mind I turn and see before me the face of a woman. Her face is warm and friendly. She smiles. My mind shows me our future. She, warm in my bed, at my side, with my family, with my child, in our home. Wonderfully happy years pass in seconds. Days of strife are gone and forgotten in the blink of an eye.
The picture in my mind fades as the music reaches a climax. My heart is lifted with such a feeling of hope and of wonderment when my memory produces the information that planets slowly vibrate. Music and sound created at a level I cannot perceive made my existence possible. My heart begins to race as I realise this beautiful dream must end. As sure as death comes to us all. The music ends and I breathe deeply and open my eyes...

Because of music I was transported to another dimension and felt naught but unbridled love.

Sunday.

Sunday started the same way as every other day.
As I lay in bed my mind wandered and wondered.
I watched the sun rise over the top of the buildings.
Looking up I saw a solitary star.
I thanked the star for shining, and for another day.

A Day in the life.

Another day draws to an end. A truly uneventfull day by all measures. No major news to report.
Nada, Nil, Zero, Zip, Fuck all.

Although I did realise something. Most people are as thick as pigshit.

OK, OK, I know you knew this a long time ago but it's news to me so shut the fuck up.
What made me realise this was today when I was at work talking to my friend Mandy and we were both bitching that life isn't fair. (That's a lie really. Mandy doesn't really bitch about anything. Actually, I started bitching and she sympathised with me.)
Mandy is one of the kindest people you could ever hope to meet. No doubt. She has a sharp mind and a heart that she should be proud of. But, and this is the kicker, she has not got a boyfriend.
Being single myself I thought "Maybe me and Mandy could get together" Then I remembered that Mandy was still only fifteen. Not a good idea.
For One, I value Mandy as a friend.
For Two, It's illegal.
For Three. I'm 33 and don't know if I could put the moves on a fiteen year old.

Ten years ago though......

Kingcnut T-shirts

Kingcnut T-shirts

Have you ever had an idea and thought to yourself "this'll make me rich enough to sit on a tropical beach and have my cock sucked 24/7 by big titted wenches whle drinking the best rum in the world!"?

I thought I had one of them up until now. when I found this site.
how much of a cnut is that?

From this I have learned if you are going to try to trademark a name make sure someone hasn't done it already.