A small interruption in my plan...

Damn it, Damn it all to hell!
Having set myself the goal of writing a ten minute comedy set I now face a whole day without being able to start writing it.
I am writing this at 2:28am (trust me on that one. I know the posting time may say differently but that's cos I'm not so clued up on how to use this that I can adjust my time settings yet.) and I have to go to work in 6 hours and need to sleep.
Which is a damn pity as I have just downloaded a song that plucked a nerve in my mind and set me thinking.

A thing sent to try me.

So, the way I see it is this. I have my goal. And in between me achieving that goal I have a number of obstacles to overcome.

Problem #1. How to write something that is as funny as possible.

That's an easy problem. Write what makes me laugh.

Project.

I am setting myself a goal. And this time it's gonna be a realistic one.
I'm always doing that. Making a pledge to do something that I know is impossible.
Every new year I make some kind of wild and always certainly unattainable goal. I think this years was something along the lines of "Attain world peace."

The project I have set myself is to write a ten minute stand-up routine.

A New Day. A New Dawn.

It's a gift.

This life.

A Present 2 me from GOD.

Another chance 2 be all that I can be.

What can I be?

I ask of GOD.

"ANYTHING"

It replies.

"How about a comedian?"

I enquire.

"HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO, THAT'S A GOOD ONE"

"I'll take that as a maybe then?"

I ask.

"LOOK KID, I'LL EXPLAIN IT ONCE SO PAY ATTENTION"

Said GOD.

"YOUR BODY IS MERELY A VESSEL IN WHICH YOU TRAVEL, YOU ARE THE PURE THOUGHT WHICH I CREATED TO MAKE A GOOD WORLD. TO CHANGE THE WORLD ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO MAKE THE EFFORT."

"I GAVE YOU GIFTS THAT YOU USE EVERYDAY THAT COULD CHANGE THE WORLD BUT YOU FAIL TO USE THEM. YOU ARE CONTENTED WITH SIMILARITY WHEN YOU COULD HAVE EXITEMENT IN YOUR LIFE."

"REALITY IS NEVER WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW BETTER."

"LEARN."

"LET GO, LET GOD"

I AM REBORN! (Kinda...)

After having the revelation that I am the culmination of billions of years of evolution I realised that I cannot allow my life to be wasted.

So, what to do to make sure my life is not wasted? Live it to the limits.

Let the fun begin.

My Revelation Explained.

The problem with having Reveations is that they are something which cannot be described acurately.
In order for you (the reader) to understand my revelation you must have experienced EXACTLY the same life as me.

Putting my Revelation simply...
I am the culmination of billions of years of evolution. Everything that came before me existed to produce me.

Revelation (Part III) I have a Revelation.

Yes, indeed I did have a Revelation. An Epiphany even.

(It was drug induced as the best Revelations are.)

Revelations (Part II)

Then I began to read. A lot.

I read morning noon and night. When I wasn't playing yahoo pool or looking at porn.

Revelations (Part I)

Ten billion and Thirty years later I stumbled upon the internet.

GENESIS.

In the begining there was nothing. quite a lot of nothing really.
Then there was a small spark of something.
(It may not have been a spark at all. It may have been a small "POP" or even a sort of splodgyslurpy noise...)

Then, some ten billion years later, I was concieved. (Accompanied by a splodgyslurpy noise if my fathers account is to be trusted.)

I am in need of a new career. Any suggestions?
answers on a postcard to the usual address.

My job is slowly, but surely, driving me insane. Surely there is more to life than this? There has to be. If I have to spend the next 20 years of my life working in jobs I hate with people I can't abide I'm positive I'm going to become just another headline. I'd rather not that the first time I get my name in a newspaper be titled "Heavily armed man goes on rampage, kills 30."

The problem is that I am only good at one thing, making a total Arse of myself. And there are not many job ads for that in the appointments section.

WANTED

Qualified fool.

Must be fully competent in stupidity.

(High court judges need not apply)

Have you ever seen that? No. Me either.

What is there that I can do to change the situation I am in?

Pack my current job in and get a new one? fuck that. I'd only end up in another deadend job working under some retarded fuckwit who thinks that he/she is better than I am 'cos they have a salary that is twice what mine is.

Become self employed? Out of the question I'm afraid as I am not qualified to do anything. At all.

Join a cult? hmmmmm, now there is an idea. Then again you only have to look at the history of cult movements throughout time to realize that they are fucked from the outset.

So what to do? Well, I have a fancy to try Stand-up comedy. No don't laugh, well actually do.