The first time I heard of Salvia Divinorum was when I was sitting in my friends house last year, We were doing the usual shit, smoking hash, watching TV, drinking coffee and chatting about whatever came to mind when a show came on TV called "99 things to do before you die."
A presenter came on the box and said something along the lines of "99 things to do before you die, number 30, get high legally." This made my ears prick up.
The presenter was sitting in a house with a bong in front of him. "This," he said holding up a small ziplock bag "is Salvia. it is totally legal in this country and most other ones around the world. I'm about to smoke it"
He took a lighter in his hand, said "here goes." and then took a big hit from the bong.
The results were hilarious. i sat laughing like a loon at the look on his face for the next ten minutes.

As i am a bit keen on altering my mindset with any kind of chemical i thought to myself "I have to try that."

Later that night, when i had got home, i kicked the computer into life and did a google search for "Salvia Divinorum" several thousand results popped onto my screen and i began to make my way through them. This was something i had to try.

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This week a friend and I went to a local shop which sold magic mushrooms and as i was looking into the display cabinet i saw a little green and gold packet with the words "Salvia Divinorum" on the front. "ohhhhhh, baby." i said as my friend stood looking at the pipes and bongs on sale.
"What is it man?" he asked.
"Salvia man." i replied.
"What the fuck is Salvia?"
"Remember that TV show when the guy got high legally and it knocked him sideways?"
"Yup"
"That's the stuff right there. I'm getting some of that."

Later when we got back to his house i popped open the little plastic tube and asked him for a pipe. he searched in his desk and produced a small pipe for me to use. i read the instructions on the back of the packet "Do not use too much as this is 5X strength and a very small amount is needed to get the effect." it said.

I put a small amount in the pipe and put it to my lips. Inhaling the smoke deep into my lungs i waited to see what the effects were.
"Well?" said my friend.
"Fuck all man." i said, "I'll try a wee bit more this time."
I refilled the pipe to a higher level and took another hit. Still nothing.
"This stuff is shit man, I'm gonna take it back to the shop and demand a refund."
"Maybe you're doing it wrong. Look on the internet and see if you can find out the right way to smoke it." my friend said.
As my friend made a cup of coffee I kicked his computer to life and did a Google search for "how to smoke Salvia" it popped up a few hundred results and i chose one and started reading.
Armed with the new knowledge that the best way to get the effects were to hold the smoke in your lungs for 20-30 seconds i asked my friend for the bigger bowl for the pipe. i filled it to the brim and packed it down nice and tight. I put my lighter to the bowl and took a deep inhalation.

I looked at my friend and said "not a fuck, KKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" as i saw my arm melt into the table in front of me, My mind exploded like i was attached to a nuclear power station and someone had flicked the ON switch, As i felt the drug begin to take hold i tried to put the pipe down but my arm was not my arm anymore, i was melting into the table and was becoming part of it. I felt the grains of the wood in my arm like veins that carry my blood around me. My vision became clearer than it has ever been and everything i saw was merging and melting in a fractal pattern.
I yelled out in panic "Steff man, i need you to tell me WHERE THE FUCK I AM!"
"You're in the house" he said as he sat laughing at what it had done to me in the space of a couple of seconds. i stood up and walked into the hall and stood holding onto the doorframe. The walls melted away and i heard a voice say "Why are you here?"
"Steff, you know why I'm here man, don't try to freak me out! I'm off my tits at the moment and you asking me why I'm here isn't helping at all"
"I didn't say a thing" he said and i saw his face pop into my field of vision through all the swirling patterns of chaos i could see.
"Why are you here?" the voice said again.
I managed to get my mind together enough to speak and thought "I want to learn. Teach me"
"Then learn." said the voice.
I overcame my initial panic and fear and walked back into the livingroom where now I could see all the normal things in it but the fringes of solid objects still melted and shifted in my sight.
I sat on the deep black leather couch and closed my eyes. I saw trees and branches begin to form from nowhere and i reached out and touched one of them. it felt as solid as a tree in reality. I spent what seemed to me to be about two hours walking through a wonderful garden which was inhabited by all kinds of plants and animals that i didn't know the names of.
"Do you know now?" said the voice.
"I, I, I, I think so." i said and opened my eyes to see the room around me back to normal.
I sat up and took a drink of my coffee which to my surprise was still warm.
"you ok?" steff asked me.
"fine man." I said, even though I was still a little unsure of where i had been and what i had seen while there.
"how long did i have my eyes shut?" I asked.
"A couple of seconds tops. But it's been 18 minutes since you took that hit." steff said.
"I shit you not man, i just spent about two hours walking in a garden that was as real to me as you are now."

The effects wore off within an hour of coming back to reality and we left the house to pick his kid up from school. As we walked i told him of what i had seen, felt and experienced in the other place i went to.
The breeze that was gently blowing caressed my skin like i had never felt a breeze before, the birds that sang in the trees sounded clearer than ever, and the world looked clearer and cleaner than i had ever seen it.


Authors note;
Salvia is not for everyone and i would warn you if you want to try it to thoroughly research it and know the risks of doing it. Please make sure you have a sitter with you that you trust and that he/she does not take any while you are doing it.

Remember, knowledge is power. Know your drug.

Slight Return.

Bill Hicks A Slight Return


As dry ice smoke filled the room, the lights dimmed and the audience went silent. And stayed that way.
"What the fuck is this shit?" Said the little voice of reason in my head after not laughing, or hearing laughter, for the next fifteen minutes.
"A piece of shit. Say it and walk away" said the voice of Bill in my head.
"Come on Bill give the guy a chance." I said to Bill's voice in my head. "He's trying."
"Very fucking trying man, you spent how much on this?"
"£8.50" I said.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now that's funny. Didn't you know you could have bought some hardcore porn for that? What the fuck were you thinking? Were you high? Is that what it was? I could maybe forgive you if you bought it in a drugged state and forgot completely about my being, well, FUCKIN' DEAD!!!"
"Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to watch this." I thought, with anger in my internal dialogue.
"Yeah man, whatever, if you want me I'll be in the deepest, darkest, most sordid part of your mind playing with those nubile young girls you love so much. Goatboy rises, Hehehehehe..."
As the mental spectre of Bill faded into the back of my mind to the sounds of voodoo chille the theatre came back into my vision.

Written by Richard Hurst and Chas Early, Slight return tries it's best to capture what Bill himself would make of the world today ten years after his death. And fails spectacularly. Like a quadriplegic man in a juggling competition.
Not only does Chas Early fail to do a half-decent impersonation of Bill but the writing is nowhere near what Bill himself would have come up with.

How do you follow genius? You don't. End of story. Case, Fucking, Closed.

Day off today.
I have no idea what I should do with it. I really should clean the house but I can't be bothered. It'll only get messy again.
I could go to the cinema but there's fuck all worth watching. All that is showing at the moment is movies for kids. And i'm fucked if i'm going to sit in a crowded movie theatre filled with prepubescent kids texting each other and talking all the way through the movie.
i'll probably spend the day in front of the PC reading, looking at porn and jerking off.
just another day really.