Super-cool-&-funky-music-recommended-by-me... Update.

This week has been a time for retrospective looks into time with music from my collection of LP's as my guide.

I've been listening to...

• Happy Mondays. Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches.
  
• Madness. Greatest Hits.
  
• Bad Manners. Hits.
  
• The Stone Roses. The Stone Roses. & Second Coming. (Which I rated 5* even though most didn't.)
  
• ZZ Top. Deguello.
  
• Queen. Killers. Hot space. Night at the opera. Day at the races.
  
• Pink Floyd. The Wall. Dark Side of the moon.
  
• Led Zep. I, II, III, Four symbols & Houses of the Holy.
  
• Bob Marley. Legend.
  
• Public Enemy. Nation of millions.
  
• Warren G. Regulate.
  
• Meat Beat Manifesto. MBM.
  
• The Kleptomaniacs. In Colour.
  

In doing so I have spent the last week firmly rooted in the 1970's and the 1980's. Fun days indeed. For me anyhoo. I have no idea about you. Perhaps you are reading this in the future. Fucked if I know.

Pan galactic gargle blaster anyone?

How cool a tool is this?

International bright young things. Update.

Ahh the joy of being read on an international scale. I feel giddy.

I am now being read in

• Japan. (Which is the reason that this post is in Japanese.)
  
• New Zealand.
• Brazil.

By whom? I have no idea but you are all very welcome. I feel like buying you all a drink. Honestly, I'm not just saying that, I mean it.

イエス・キリストの神聖な従卒

私は日本語である誰かによって今読まれている。

Reading update.

I've not been reading a hell of a lot over the last couple of weeks.

I occasionally have little periods of time when I do not read anything much more than I can possibly avoid. Mail remains unopened on the floor behind the door, Newspapers sit forlornly on the coffee table, web pages gather information at the speed of light and I plod merrily on through my life with a smile on my face.

No news is always good news.

Yesterday as I walked into town with my friend Steff I saw a Barnardos shop with a large book display in the window. I popped in and bought...

• Michael Crichton - Timeline
• Charles Dickens - Dombey and son
• Dave Gorman - Googlewhack.

I also purchased a second hand copy of Black Grape's "It's great when youre straight. Yeah!" Which I have been singing along to as I listen to it for the first time since I last heard it years ago.

A man I never knew.

I never met Gene Pulley but he did have a profound effect on my life. Indirectly. He created a friend of mine. His Daughter Sandra.

May he rest in peace and may Sandra find peace in his rest.

Poto Voce.

The little voice tells me "That which you dreamed of is yours to have."

Do I dare follow a dream? Why not? An old African saying I once read states "You are the dream of someone dreaming you" Or something like that. I can't be fucked looking up the source. It's from Richard E Grant's film diary "Withnails" if you wanna look it up.

I'm drawn to the thought of life as a dream. Why the hell not? Cultures the world over talk of dreams being wisdom from the gods, Aborigibal tribes of Australia tell tales of the "dreamtime", Humanity dreams of a life where we love one another, Martin Luther King had a dream, John lennon was a dreamer and Bill Hicks said it best with.. "All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, We are all one, there is no such thing as death, Life is but a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."

The dreamers are remembered. We are legion. Let the dreaming begin.

Africa update.

I have been mulling over whether or not I should go to Africa for the month of may and have come to the conclusion that if I don't go then I will be adding to my own personal "What if" list. I have too many "What ifs" list already. I don't want anymore.

So, I have just written to my bosses asking them for the month as a holiday. I should find out if I'm able to get the time off at some point tonight. If my bosses decide not to give me the time off, Fuck it, I will quit & go to Africa anyhoo. I have one life and I will have many jobs in that timespan.

Decisions decisions...

It's a difficult choice. Should I go to africa for a month? Hmmm, It's a toughie.

As I posted previously I have been invited to Africa for a month by my cousin and today I found out that it's only £300 for the flight. I'd be mad not to take this opertunity. Very mad.

My only worry, as far as I am concerned, is my house and what to do with it while I am away. I was thinking of renting it out for the month but I can't see anyone wanting to rent a house in Edinburgh for only one month.

I'd give it up and get a new gaff when I got back but my Mum is telling me not to as she thinks that is a stupid idea. Her reasoning is that it's a council house and if I were to purchase it I'd be able to sell, or rent, it and get some money behind me.

My Dad, on the other hand, says "Fuck the house. Go to Africa."

I'm inclined to follow my Dads advice. It's only a house to me. It's not home. I'm not sure where home is yet. As far as I am concerned my flat is merely, as George Carlin said, "Somewhere to store my shit" and somewhere to sleep at the end of the day. Nothing much more.

I will be thinking about this one hard for the next few days. I'll keep you updated one way or the other.

♫ "Kick out the jams...

Mother Fucker."
♫ Dada dada dum de dum, Dada dada dum de dum. ♫
"Well I been selected to rock your asses till midnight. This is my term, and I've jammed up my perm but it's all right"
♫ Dada dada de dum de dum, Dada da dum de dum ♫
"I solemnly swear to uphold the constitution, Got a rock and roll problem? Well we got the solution, Just let me be who I am, And let me kick out the jams, Yeah!" And so on, and so on.

The Presidents of the United States said it best.
In life you must take NO shit and kick out the jams. No matter what you do. Do it with style & elan. Go BIG. Or don't go at all.

Stab in the dark.

I've just booked two tickets for my writing partner & I to go to Glasgow on the 18th of this month to attend a BBC Comedy writers workshop. It's all part of the Glasgow comedy festival.

We're hoping to get some ideas on how to write for screen.

If it sucks like a cheap hooker we'll get rowdy and tape it all on the camcorder.

Open debate.

This story was written by me. It's a story of how not to go about getting a cup of coffee.

This version is what the editors at utterpants did to it.

Which do you think is the better? Please let me know. I'm a curious kinda guy.

Cyber Whore.

A voice in my head tells me I should be ashamed. It calls me horrible things. Things that NO person should ever hear. Terrible, vicious, spiteful things.

Why does this voice in my head say these things to me? Because it knows that I have just finished listing my blog on five directories. Shame on me. In a little less than a week I have gone from being a mild mannered occasional blogger to a relentless whore for hits. How low can I stoop?

I can't help it. I think I may have a deep void in me that needs filling up with platitudes from strangers. It may be I have some deep rooted issues. Who knows? Not me.

Weather report.

Tonight it is very cold. My hands are a strange purple colour and my fingers will not co-operate to hit the keys properly. Or in the right order. I really should put the heating on but I'm going to bed in less than half an hour so why bother?

The Pentland Hills in the distance are blanketed with snow.
The Water of Leith rushes along taking the Pentland Hills to the sea grain by grain.
The Firth of Forth swallows the Water of Leith like a Blue Whale.

( Which would all look spectacular if half of Edinburgh was bulldozed to allow me to see the view. )

Out of Africa.

Mucho surpriso! I've been invited to go to Africa for a month.

I got an e-mail from my cousin asking me if I'd like to go over for the month of may. Need to bash a few details out firstly before I can say yea or nae.

Wanted...

A laptop.

Preferably at a price of less than £100. Nothing fancy. Just something that I can wirelessly post to my blog.

If I had this capability I'd surely be President of the World in less than a month.

Personal appearances.

I now see myself as some kind of minor celebrity. All because of my 100 blog hits, 7000 spoof headline hits & 2900 webpage hits. Sad I know but hey, I need something to keep me interested in breathing.

As a minor celebrity I figure I really should start doing personal appearances. Not for the kudos; you understand, but for a little extra money and to give me something exiting to write about.

If you should feel that your Stag night, Corporate event, Bar mitzva or childrens party needs a little added ZANG drop me a line letting me know what time the limo is picking me up and I'll try to squeeze you into my schedule. ( Please note; I may dress like a drugged up madman but I like to travel in luxury so nothing less than first class is acceptable. )

Next thing I feel I should get is a Personal Assistant. Please send CV's to my usual address.
( Women with long black hair, blue eyes, big boobs, sexy spectacles and loose morals will be given preferential treatment. )

International bright young things.

I recently put a free counter on this blog to see if it is being read and fuck me if I aint had 100 visitors to my blog since I installed it.

What surprised me was that some of the visitors are from other countries.
So far I have had hits from...

• USA - ( Kansas. California. North Carolina. Washington. New York & Southern California )
• Canada - ( Ontario & British Columbia )
• Spain - ( Valenciana & Madrid )
• Australia - ( New South Wales )
• France.
• Germany.
  

International fame awaits me.

No more sitting in a cold one-bedroomed council house in Edinburgh for me. Build me a hilltop mansion in the Bahamas, Buy me a Mclaren Mercedes SLR & Bring on the dancing girls! I'll be in the study with a bottle of Johnny Walker & a Cuban cigar. Send in a midget with a tray of cocaine on his head and I'll be happy.

In need of guidance.

I feel I'm missing out on something... Some grand secret only obtainable after a lifetime of study and dedication (or huge amounts of drugs over a period of more than half your current lifespan) has not yet been revealed to me.

(I qualify on grounds of the second way to enlightenment by the way.)

Maybe it's the ten to fifteen joints a day habit I have... Ahem. Cough.. Cough... GargleGaspHackCough.... There goes a lung. Fuck it; I have another one.

Super-cool-&-funky-music-recommended-by-me...

It's not often I stumble upon a band that I'd shamelessly promote or tout to my friends and family, I do that mostly with comedians I've heard, but Last Great Wilderness is a different kettle of sturgeon.

I "discovered" LGW by random chance. I was playing yahoo pool and bumped into the lead singer, If you can bump into someone on the net that is... anyhoo, while we were playing he informed me that he was in a band. I told him I'd be interested in hearing some of their music. He then went on to tell me that if I gave him my E-Mail address he'd send me a couple of their songs. So I gave him it & promptly forgot all about ever receiving any music from him.

Until I got two mp3's in my mailbox the very next day.

So there I am. Sat in front of my PC wondering whether or not I should download them and have a listen.

"What the hell" thought I.

Clickety click.
Download.
Clickety click.
Play.

One of the tracks had me sitting up and taking notice. A rare thing indeed when you're as scatalogical as I am. A jolt shot up my spine as American Pornography fedback into the sonarscape in my head. 4 minutes and 37 seconds later I played it again. The effect did not differentiate. A good sign. So I played it again. Still no change in opinion. To say I was shocked at what I heard would be an understatement. I was Nuked, Fried & Blown away. Get some.

A singer/songwriter just starting to hit the UK pop charts, with the track "They" from her debut album Finally Woken, to keep a close eye on is Jem. With tunes like Flying High, Come On Closer and It's Just A Ride it's certain we will hear a lot more of Jem in the coming years. Get some.