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Ah well, it would appear that comments I made in this post got the goat of someone within the power structure of the club.

And how do I know this? Well, two days ago I received a letter from the club informing me that I am no longer welcome. Boo Hoo, my heart is broken... Is it fuck... I give less than a shit.

To end this post I'm going to make a small prediction by quoting Robert Plant.

Your time is gonna come...


Another part of the space story.

Once again, Stockton opened his eyes slowly. Outside the ship stars twinkled and suns shone brightly in the distance.

"Well, we're back inside space." Stockton said.
"It would appear so." Said Ali.

Ali ordered the computer to put the solar system on the screen in front of them and they stared at the map. The planet third from the sun was earth. Ali and Stock decided to head for it to see if any damage had been caused by the ship flying into the swirling cloud.

As they approached the planet Stockton told the computer to make contact with the USSC landing authorities. "They ain't answering the phone man." The computer told him.
"Then try again bitch." Stockton said.
The computer spoke again. "Motherfucker..." It said. "I got no goddamn answer. Ain't no motherfucker answering the phone!"
"Give me manual control bitch." Stockton said, taking the controls.

Stockton guided the ship into the upper atmosphere of the planet and stabilized the ship for a landing at the Hawaiian International Space Travel Terminal. He ordered the computer to attempt contact with the landing authorities. After being told, once again, that the authority was not receiving their signal, Stockton said, fuck it. And flew towards the landing island.

At an altitude of 1500feet he skimmed across the ocean and headed for landing pad 23. As the ship approached the place where the outer beacon should be he saw that the island looked different. The first thing that looked different to the Hawaii he knew was that it was no longer perfectly flat. It looked like it did centuries ago when the human race was at the beginning of the space race.

Ali noticed it too. "Stock, something's wrong." She said. "It's beautiful..." The mountains that rose in the center of the island were covered with a fine cloud and in the waves that swept towards the shore dolphins leapt and played.

Stockton flicked a switch on the control panel and they slowed down to a gentle halt. "Bitch, put on your red dress." He said.
"Excuse me?" Asked Ali.
"It's the custom command to engage the cloaking shield." Stockton said.

"Red dress engaged." Said the computer. "And damn do I look hot." It continued.
Stockton laughed and steered the ship towards a small cove ahead of them. As the ship drifted in over the inward bound surf Stockton looked at the crystal clear water below them and wondered where all the pollution had gone. Ali was also staring out at the scenery wondering where the residue from the space port waste dump was.

Stockton slid the ship into the cove, stopping just short of the shore and hovered above the breaking surf. "Maybe we should park out of view of anyone who walks along the beach." He said. "I don't think many people walk along this beach but if they do we don't want them seeing a UFO parked on it." He continued.

"Park here then, we can swim the last fifty yards." Ali said.

After a lot of swearing from the computer with regard to the fact that the ship was to lie on the seabed while Stockton and Ali went swimming they walked to the top hatch of the craft and jumped into the clear, warm water.

They reached the beach and walked onto the warm sand. Stockton looked around and spotted a small hut a few hundred yards up the beach. "Lets go and see if anyone is in, shall we?" He suggested.
"And what if there is and they ask who we are?" Ali asked.
"Then we'll tell them we're on our honeymoon." Stockton said, as he began to walk towards the hut.

When they reached the hut it was empty. There was a small cot in one corner, a cooler on the ground and a surfboard was propped up against the wall. An unopened bottle of rum sat on top of the cooler. Stockton picked it up and read the label. "According to the label on this bottle of rum it was bottled in the year 1995." He said.
"That would explain why there isn't a spaceport here. We've traveled through time." Ali said.

"I promised you an unforgettable honeymoon didn't I?" Stock said, as he gave consideration to having a drink of the rum. "According to this calendar we're in the year 1996." Ali said as she pointed to the calendar on the wall that featured a picture of a candy apple red convertible. Across the calendar someone had scrawled "Viva Las Vegas!" in what appeared to be dried ketchup.

Stockton and Ali walked out of the beach hut and sat in the warm sand. "So, what now?" Ali asked as Stockton eyed the bottle of rum he had taken out of the hut. "Drink?" He asked.
"No; Put it back where you found it." Ali said.
"But..." Stockton began.
"But nothing, it's not your rum. Put it back and try to think what we should to do."Ali said.
"But..." Stockton protested.
Ali whipped the bottle out of Stocktons hand and took it back to the hut.

Ali placed the bottle where Stockton had found it. As she turned to make his way back outside her eye caught a glimpse of something lying underneath the cot. She bent over and picked it up. It was a photograph. She turned it over and looked at it. When she got over the shock of what the picture showed she ran out of the hut.

Ali stood in front of Stockton who was writing his name in the sand between his feet. "Honey, I think we should leave." She said.
"But we just got here." Stockton replied. "Hey, what the hell?" He continued, as Ali used her foot to erase Stocktons name from the sand.
"We need to get out of here Stockton. Now!" Ali said, pulling Stockton up by his arm.
"What's the hurry?" Stockton queried.
"This is." Ali said as she showed Stockton the photograph.

"Holy fuck!" Stockton exclaimed. "That's me!"

The saga continues...

This post may be another story I never finish but I thought I'd post it anyway. If only to give you lot, my faithful readers, something to read. I'm more than willing to accept critisism if you think it deserves it. (It follows on from this story to allow you to see the continuity.)

Like I said, I have no idea if this will be completed. You should be used to that by now.


There was a bright flash...

Then nothing.

Stockton opened his eyes. Slowly... Just in case he saw something he didn't like. Everything was fine, the spaceship, his wife and the beertube stock level, was exactly the same as it was. "Pity." He said. Outside the ship there was deep, black, Space.

"Stock," Said Ali.
"Yes my sweet?" Stockton replied.
"What just happened?"
"Well, I steered the ship into a big purple swirly thing in space..."
"Because it's not everyday you get the chance?" He said, somewhat timidly.

It was then that they noticed something was missing. Outside the ship was just a huge expanse of dark space. No planets. No sun. No stars. Just space.

"Whoops!" Said Stockton.
"Computer, calculate space co-ordinates." Ali said.
"Space co-ordinates are... Go fuck yourself." The computer said.
"What the hell?" Ali and Stockton both said at the same time.
"Something is decidedly wrong about this." Stockton said. "It's swearing at us."
"I thought you got the modified language pack for it?" Ali asked.
"I did, but it didn't work when I asked what the fuck the big purple swirly thing was. It didn't recognize the command." Stockton replied.

The computer then introduced them to the whole new vocabulary of bad language that it had somehow gained since they had flown through the swirl. Ali's face turned bright red as the computer spat out tirade after tirade of abuse. Stockton sat on the pilot seat laughing as the computer strung together the longest, most vulgar insult he had ever witnessed. When the computer finally stopped swearing Stockton screamed, "Yeehaa! Jesus H Christos! My custom dictionary works! Praise be to the purple swirly gods!" He said, as he punched the arm of the pilots seat in joy.

"Hey bitch!" Stockton said.
"Who are you calling bitch?" Ali asked.
"It's the command I assigned to be the computers name." Stockton said. "Watch this... Hey Bitch!" He continued.
The computer spoke in the voice of Samuel L Jackson's character from Pulp Fiction, which was Stocktons favorite movie of all time. "Whassup my nigga?" It said.
"Very good, now find out where we are." Ali said.
"Bitch, where in the fuck are we?" Stockton asked the computer.
"We ain't nowhere man." The computer replied.

"What in the hell do you mean?" Stockton asked.
"Well, space should be full of stars and things, but there ain't none out there my man." The computer replied.
"What?" Stockton stated.
"Suns, stars, planets, asteroids, that kind of shit. There ain't any."
"What?" Stockton said again.
The computer yelled at him. "Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time!"

Ali sat watching him make the computer quote lines from Pulp Fiction and wondered if she should have listened to her mother. Her mother was never very fond of Stockton and his rough manner. According to her mother Stockton was a low life space bum. Ali loved him for exactly those reasons. Why settle down to a nice long boring life when you could grab the bull by the horns and live a short life filled with madness and adventure, she always thought.

Stockton interrupted her thoughts. "Babe. You Ok?" He asked.
"Just thinking." She said. "Are we any closer to finding out where we are?" She continued.
"Well, the computer thinks that we... I mean, I, may have slightly fucked up when I flew the ship into that purple swirly thing. It reckons it may have been an anomaly in space similar that caused us to slip outside of space." He said.
"Outside of space? Space doesn't have an outside." She stated.
"That what I said. The bitch still thinks we're outside space though." Stockton replied.

Ali asked for a full systems diagnostic and sat reading the readout while Stockton talked to the computer. Twenty minutes later she threw the readouts into the trashshute and told Stockton that they seemed to be outside space.

"Check out the big brain on Brett! You a smart mothafucka!" Said the computer.
"I beg your pardon?" She said to the computer.
"Big ol' cranium you got in there sweet thang." The computer replied.
"Shut up." Ali said to the computer and sat down.

"What are we going to do?" Ali asked Stockton.
"Open fire?" Stockton suggested.
"On what?" Ali questioned.
"I don't know." Stockton answered.
"Besides, what good would it do?" Ali asked.
"It'd make me feel better." Stockton said, he leaned over and pressed a panel on the controls.

The computer spoke. "Lllemme introduce you to my little friend." It said, in the voice of Tony Montoya. Stockton laughed. He leaned over to Ali and told her that this was his custom start up sound for arming the weapons. "I love it." She said, sarcastically.

Stockton pushed a button on the arm of the pilot seat and fired. Two luminescent balls shot out of the front of the ship and headed off into the distance. After a few seconds there was a bright flash. As the bright flash cleared it revealed a purple swirl in space ahead of them. "Stockton, look." Ali said.
"Holy shit... Computer, full speed ahead." Stockton shouted.
"Is that wise Stock?" Ali asked.
"It's either that or we sit outside space." Stockton said as they approached the swirling cloud.
"Any other reason?" She asked.
"It's not everyday you get the chance to fly into two purple swirly things in space?"

As the spaceship collided with the giant purple mass there was another bright flash and the ship vanished.

Laugh? I nearly shit myself.


I'm creative I am...

Today I spent most of my time sitting in front of the computer randomly surfing the internet, creating wallpapers for my phone and fucking around with my new MP3 editor Audacity, which is opensource software and can be got by clicking this link.

The wallpapers are available by clicking here.

And also for your entertainment I created a rather kinky ringtone for my phone which can be downloaded by clicking here.

(File hosted by
(Images hosted by


Sunday just isn't Sunday...

Without Moto GP.

The season came to a close a fortnight ago when Nicky Hayden became the first American champion in six years after Valentino Rossi slid along the track and out of contention on lap four of the Gran Premio De La Comunitat Valenciana. I was hoping that Valentino Rossi was going to pull off the comeback to end all comebacks after fighting his way back to the top of the leaderboard after a shaky start to the season.

Sadly though it wasn't to be and now I have to wait until next season, when the new 800cc engine size becomes the norm for Moto GP, for my fix of high speed hijinx.


You're still reading this blog I see...

I hope you're enjoying it you petty bastard.

Contrary to what you may believe I have not sank into the depths of despair after YOU initiated my dismissal from that shithole you have the cheek to call a social club.

As I'm no longer an employee of YOUR club I'm pretty sure I can lay my opinion on it on the line and let loose my exact feelings about it. So hold on tight motherfucker, the beast within is about to come out to play...

The problem in the club is not with the staff members, it's the committee that keeps the club running as though the 19th century never happened. If the club was any more backwards in its thinking there would be no women allowed, no one would be admitted entrance without wearing a tie and there would be no membership granted to anyone unless they had first joined the Funny Handshake Club first.

The problem in the committee is that there are too many spineless fucktards who allow you and your clique run the place for your own personal gain. In all the time I knew you I suspected that you have always felt that you were destined for great things, but after life dealt you the hand you try to play you discovered that you are never going to leave your mark on the world.

This caused you many sleepless nights. Until one day you awoke and realized that you could make your mark within the club. "I will be respected." You thought to yourself, didn't you? And what happened? That's right, it backfired and you slowly became a figure of ridicule, a person who is laughed at... In short, just another prick.

With your little badge of power you stroll around the club thinking that everyone who lays eyes on you thinks "There goes the man who makes the rough road smooth." when in actuality they are thinking "What a fucking wanker that bastard is."

So, fuckface, I hope you enjoy your station in life. Which, in case you haven't realized yet, is just above that of a slug... Leaving a trail of slime wherever you slide.


Ubuntu to all orange robed freaks!

"Excuse me, Sir" Came the voice somewhere to the left of me.

I knew who it was. It was one of Them. The bald headed ones, the orange menace...
A Hari Krishna.
"Oh fuck." I thought.
"What kind of music do you like sir?" The Krishna asked.

I tried to get rid of the peace freak by telling her I hated music of all sorts. She countered my bluff by pointing out the pair of headphones around my neck. "So what are those for?" She asked. "Damnit" I thought.

"I'm learning how to speak Arabic." I said quickly.
"Any particular reason?" The Orange wearing warrior of peace and love asked.
"Just in case the war between Christianity and Islam escalates. I figure that when Sharia law is introduced in this country the new overlords will need collaborators." I said, beginning to wonder why I had even stopped walking.

"Have you ever considered a life free from sin?" She asked, vainly attempting to get back to the point of her stopping me. I knew the game as I had been here before, many times. And this time was to be no different.

"We all need a little sin now and then." I said as I reached into my pocket for my cigarettes. I purposely took out the half smoked joint I had, lit it and blew a large lungful of hashsmoke in her face. She coughed and spoke again. "And that is why you are here. To sin. The next life is one free from sin." She said.

"Prove it." I said.

She reached into the large bag at her side and told me that she had something that she wanted me to read. "If it's the Bhagavad Gita don't bother, I've read it." I said.
"You've read the Bhagavad Gita?" She asked.
"Yes." I replied.
She quickly pulled out a small white book. "If you enjoyed the Bhagavad Gita you'll enjoy this book." She said.
"I didn't say I'd enjoyed it, I just said I'd read it." I said, trying not to laugh.

I figured I should let her off the hook so I reached into my pocket and fished out a pound coin. "Look, I've not got a lot of money, I've just lost my job, but here's a pound for your cause. Gouranga, Salaam, Kindoki, Ubuntu and all that fucking nonsense... See ya." I said and walked away.

"Gouranga, I think." She said as I walked away.