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And so it passes...

The moment. But not fully. The regret merely fades into the background noise of my mind to rear up another time on another day to dump itself into my mind and kick the living hell out of my heart.

Selah, so it goes... Sometimes.

There are times when the regret monster decides to stick around and make all my waking hours a walking nightmare. On these days it's best if I stay in my bed and don't journey out of the house just in case I see someone who bears a passing resemblance to a past love and the regret monster asks me the question... "Is that Her?"

Fuck the regret monster! It does not control me. It merely serves to remind me of the the beautiful things I have had in my life. Even if these things are gone now, never to be regained I can still remember moments that make me smile and lift my spirits. Times like; Feeling Claire's lips upon mine, seeing Katy smile, the way Jen walked and tickling Karen at the base of her spine.

"Who are these people? He's never written about people he loved named Katy or Karen." I hear you question. Well, there are reasons for this my friends. Reasons I'm not quite ready to get into at this moment in time... One day I may be able to let you all in on these beautiful people but not yet.


While looking for my bike chain...

I stumbled across a box filled with the accumulated guff of my life. Poetry I'd written many moons ago and photographs I'd taken at least 10 years ago stared up at me from the box.

One picture in particular caught my eye. It was a Polaroid of my ex girlfriend Jen and I that was taken not long before we split up. As I stared at the picture in front of me a thought passed through my mind. "She was the one you should have married." It said. I remember my mum telling me this once but until I saw Jen's picture again I had never given any credence to the idea. Now though? It certainly sounds like the truth.

At this time, in this moment it does anyhow.

Wherever you are Jen I wish you naught but happiness in your heart, love in your life and joy in your soul. Smile hun, it could be worse... You could be me.


FAO: Whovians...

For those of you who think Dr Who is the dogs scrotum I advise you to check out this site and grab yourself some nice remixes of the Dr Who theme tune.

New Beginings...

In the spirit of change I've decided to give this blog a bit of an overhaul.

Now all I need is something to write about...

Any suggestions would be welcomed.


♪♫ I read the news today...

Oh Boy...

I'm wondering if I should join in the debate. Better not huh? There may be forces watching me that would wish to sue me. Trust me, from here on in I will not be making any comments about the tribunal I went to.

Here endeth the speech on that gig.


Due to brain freeze...

This blog hasn't been updated as regularly as usual. Apologies to all my faithful... and not so faithful... readers.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.


Don't you just hate...

Other peoples ringtones?
I do. Especially when they're not at all fun like mine.

Feel free to grab a copy should you feel so inclined.

Files hosted by


To make up...

For my murdering the Easter Bunny I decided to take an hour out of my life today to do something positive. I didn't do much but I did potentially save a life.

And how did I do this? I gave blood.

Under advice...

I have removed a post I wrote last week.

Apologies if you were one of the people who left a comment but apparently writing your own opinion (Which I believe we are all entitled to) on your own blog can lead to you being sued.

To finish I'd like to make the following statement...

If you don't like what I write, or my opinions, STOP READING MY BLOG.


It was him or me...

I awoke this morning to the sound of birds twittering in the early morning light. I scratched my balls, stretched my arms, rolled out of bed and took a look out the window to see what kind of day it was. The sun was rising over the top of the buildings behind mine and the low clouds looked like they would burn off soon enough.

As I glanced downwards into my back garden I saw what seemed to be a giant bunny rabbit carrying a basket of chocolate eggs. I rubbed my eyes, fearing that I was still stoned from the massive hashish bender I had went on the previous night, and looked again.

Sure enough there was a large white rabbit attempting to climb the fence leading from my garden into my neighbours garden. I pulled open the window and leaned out. "OI! Thumper, what the fuck do you think you're playing at?" I yelled.

The rabbit looked up at me and doubled it's effort to scale the fence. (Not an easy job when you're a six foot bunny rabbit wearing a frilly bonnet and matching frilly Gingham apron.) I pulled on my jeans and boots and ran down the stairs.

When I pulled open the back door the giant bunny rabbit stopped trying to climb the fence and turned towards me. I could see fear in it's eyes and I wondered where things were going to lead.

My mind flashed back to my first ever proper job...

I worked in a pet shop doing all the menial tasks; Such as cleaning out the cages of the animals, lifting large bags of pet food around, making cups of coffee and generally being the dogsbody. I'd had a rabbit hutch to clean out and the occupant of the hutch took offense at me for attempting such a thing. It kicked, bit and scratched the hell out of my hands and arms before I decided to let the bastard sit in it's own shit if it wanted to...

"Deja-Vu?" Said the giant bunny rabbit, as it placed it's basket of chocolate eggs gently on the ground. It's red eyes burning into mine.
"What?" I asked, somewhat confused.
"You don't recognise me? Look past the exterior and see your enemy within." It said.

My mind suddenly sparked and I recognised the look of the angry rabbit from many years ago.

"But it can't be you... You were never sold so the owner drowned you in a fishtank after the shop had closed one night." I said.
"You may have seen me drown but my spirit lived on. And now we meet again." The bunny rabbit said.

The bunny rabbit leaped at me with it's teeth exposed and it's claws raised in anger. The shit had officially hit the fan.

I ducked under the leaping rabbit and kicked out at its belly as it flew over me. My foot caught the rabbit perfectly and it let out a pained noise as it attempted to roll with the kick. It skidded along the grass and clanged against the iron post used to suspend the washing line. I leaped at the rabbit and began punching it in the head before it had a chance to regain its senses.

As I rained blow after blow onto its head it attempted to defend itself by putting its front paws up to its face like a boxer. They were useless. I'd gained the upperhand because of its momentary lapse of its senses and it was all over bar the bunny conceding defeat.

"No more." It moaned. I stopped punching and asked if it had had enough. "Yes... I surrender." It said. I looked at what I'd made of it's face in the short time. It's eyes were beginning to swell and its mouth was a bloody mess. There were specks of blood on its Gingham apron and down the front of it's gut, it's fluffy bonnet had been knocked off and it's chest laboured in an attempt to get its breath back.

I stood up and held out my hand to help the bunny rabbit up. It took my hand in its paw and stood up shakily. I turned around and walked towards where the bunny had left its basket of chocolate eggs. I picked up the basket and turned to give it to the defeated bunny.

The bunny was holding a small chocolate egg in its paw. "Rot in hell!" It exclaimed as it threw the egg towards me. I sensed that the small chocolate egg flying through the air was not a gift that I would appreciate and realised that it was probably some kind of explosive device that Jesus gives the Easter Bunny in order to continue his sect, oops, I mean cult, nope sorry, religion. (Jesus, as we all know, carries an Uzi machine pistol these days. It's a tough world out there.)

I spun quickly on my heels and used the basket of chocolate eggs in my hand to launch the small detonator egg back at the Easter Bunny. "Oh Fu..." It managed to say, before the small egg flew into its mouth stifling its speech. The detonator egg exploded and the Easter Bunny's head turned to a fine mist of red. Its body crumpled at the knees and dropped to the floor like 300lb's of wet clothes.

I looked around to see if any of my neighbours had heard the explosion and were looking out of their windows to see what had happened. None were visible. I immediately knew I had a problem on my hands. There I was standing in my back garden holding a rather incriminating basket of Easter eggs while the even more incriminating headless body of the Easter Bunny lay cooling a few feet away.

I dropped the basket and threw myself into action. A quick raid of a neighbours shed provided a spade and a roll of black bin liners. "Just the job." I thought, as I grabbed them and made my way back to the body of the Easter Bunny. I quickly pulled a large roll of bin liners off of the roll and covered the corpse as best I could. Being seen by a neighbour digging a hole to put a black bin liner into can be explained away with the good old fashioned "It's a time capsule, I'm going to dig it up in ten years time" excuse. Being seen by a neighbour burying the corpse of the Easter Bunny is a harder task.

I dug a five foot deep hole 4 and a 1/2' wide by 4' long and dragged the body over to it, doing my best to keep the body covered as much as possible, and dropped it into the makeshift grave. For a second the grave of the great General Itsy caught my eye and I wondered just how many Fairy characters I was destined to bury in my life.

I covered the body of the Easter Bunny with the earth I had dug out of the hole and stamped it down as best I could. There was no time for a formal ceremony as I didn't want to be seen in the early morning light performing a ritual to The Grand Whazoo freaking a casual observer into calling in the law... "Send someone quick, he's dancing naked covered in what looks like chocolate and shooting Cadburys Creme Eggs into the air with a catapult."

I threw the spade, and what was left of the roll of bin liners, into the neighbours' shed, grabbed the basket of eggs and beat a hasty retreat to my flat. I dumped the basket of eggs into the cupboard at the end of my hall and locked the door. If the police came knocking I'd tell them there wasn't a key and door hadn't been unlocked since the day I moved in.

Later, when the sun had made it's way across the sky to return tomorrow, I went into my garden once more and gave the Easter Bunny a burial ceremony to shake the seat of The Grand Whazoo.

Once more my final cry into the night was...


How to make a music ringtone for your phone...

Over the last month or so I've been getting a lot of hits from people searching for how to make a mobile ringtone from an mp3 file. Here's how to do it.

What you'll need.
Step 1.

Install Koyote Software MP3-WMA converter.

Step 2.

Start Koyote Software MP3-WMA Converter.

Step 3.

Add the MP3 file of your choice to Koyote Converter.

Step 4.

Change the Output Path to your desktop and the Output Format to Wav. Click CONVERT.

Step 5.

Koyote Converter will then convert the MP3 sound to a Wav sound.

Step 6.

Close Koyote Converter and open Sound Recorder.
Open the newly created Wav file using Sound Recorder.

Step 7.

Edit the Wav file by using the Delete Before/After Current Position button.

Step 8.

Save your newly cropped file and exit Sound Recorder.

Step 9.

Open Koyote Converter and add the cropped Wav sound file to the converter.

Step 10.

Convert the Wav file to an MP3 file. (Output Format = MP3.)

Step 11.

Upload your new MP3 ringtone to your mobile phone.


It's going to be a busy week...

For yours truly.

Tomorrow I've got to phone my lawyer, then I'm off to my sisters to have dinner and see the kids, this will be followed by a small stop-off at my brothers to pick up a disk I need to fix a computer. Finally I've got to go round to my friends to attempt to fix the aforementioned computer.

On Tuesday I'm job hunting with a vengeance as I've only got £50 ($25) to last me a fortnight and there is a £40 phone bill and a £150 electricity bill sitting on my desk staring at me.

(The shortage of cash is my main problem as it may be that I have to pack in the cigarettes... Please Lord don't let it be so, if I quit smoking I'll turn into a total rageaholic and may take to another (cheaper) vice to suppress my anger at the world around me such as Lighter Fuel, Sniffing Glue or the good old fashioned Brasso mixed with milk...)

Wednesday and Thursday will see me wearing a shirt and, possibly, a tie as those are the days I really don't want to tempt fate, my lawyer, or the wrath of a judge who just doesn't get it by wearing my infamous "Terrorist?" T-shirt.

Friday will involve more job hunting on a level never seen before by humanity.

It must be April the 1st...

Because Google is offering free wireless broadband.