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America is an enormous frosted cupcake in the middle of millions of starving people. - Gloria Steinem

I have no idea who the hell Gloria Steinen is but as far as I'm concerned, she's right on the money.


Food isn't so much a passion here it's a pass time, and judging by the enormity of some of the larger people here, they take it very seriously. I fear for my life if should I lose concentration and stray into the no-mans land between a large two legged mammal and an all you can eat buffet. Shit, I'd rather get between a cow elephant and its young calf.

I'm not against fat people in general but there are people here who are pushing the limits. Not only of how big you can get but of physics in general. Some of these people have a mass so large they are in grave danger of collapsing in on themselves and becoming black holes.

The super massive can only survive for so long and whole swathes of Americans risk imploding violently. Which in itself may not be a bad thing. It's the innocent bystanders who happen to be within the area who will suffer the most. After all, they will be sucked off their feet and dragged inexorably towards their death.

A sudden rush of air whizzing past will be the first thing they feel. The next sign of impending doom will be animals flying past with confused looks on their faces. Cats and dogs are not designed for flight, nor are they equipped for it, and many an innocent will be killed by low flying Schnauzers and out of control Californian Spangles before things really get out of hand.

The wind speed will then increase and larger, more cumbersome, things will be hoovered towards the event horizon. Motorcycles and small Japanese cars will be quickly followed by the ramshackle homes that Bubba-Joe Inbred and his kind live in. Next will be town and country type vehicles filled with confused vacationers, then Range Rovers and within minutes school buses and Semi Trucks will follow.

After a few hours all that will remain of the once great country that was once known as the United States will be a series of massive holes. Which, ultimately, was the cause of it all.

As I'm from a place...

Where horizontal rain is the norm, I can't take this heat.

In fact if you show the average Scot a photograph of the sun they will ask what it is and immediately begin to burn like a pig on a spit roast. This is the reason that I am currently peeling as though I was a snake shedding its skin. And it's not just me either. My brother has been told by a doctor that he has developed sun poisoning and my dads stomach is redder than a baboons ass during mating season.

The air conditioning doesn't help either. Sure, it keeps you nice and cool when you are indoors but as soon as you step outside the heat hits you and you begin to think to yourself "I should have put deodorant on my scrotum."


just a few random pictures from Florida...

To keep y'all happy for the moment until I can find the time to write up some words for you.


It's saturday...

And it's the day I fly out to Florida.

In roughly five hours and forty five minutes there will be a phone call instructing me to get my arse out of bed and make my way downstairs to the car. Not that I'll be in my bed, oh no, I'll be wide awake and waiting expectantly like a kid at Christmas.

I've spent most of tonight whipping and ripping my favorite music onto my hard disk, finishing packing the necessities and pondering whether or not Florida, and the people of the state, will live up to my expectations. To put it more succinctly, all thoughts of Edinburgh could not be further from my mind.

My lucky t-shirt (I've never died while wearing it) sits on my armchair beside me in preparation for another test of its powers and my lucky mascot is safely stowed in my backpack.

That's him. His name is Jo Boo and he's the earth bound messenger of The Grand Whazoo, who as you all should know by now, is every God all rolled into one. And that's a damn good mascot to have on your side should the shit hit the fan.

I will, of course, be documenting my trip on this here blog and you can keep abreast of things by checking back over the next three weeks. Constant updates (courtesy of twitter) will be posted here on the main page, on my twitter page and via this rss feed.


Fab Five Freddy...

In the spirit of open communication without borders or boundaries I give to you a small sample of music that floats my boat, rocks my world and makes me shake my tailfeathers.
All music linked to from this site is provided for review purposes only.
Should you wish to own any of the tracks listed above please support the artist in question and buy a copy.


Some songs are smooth and soulfull....

others are as dirty as a cut price crack whore in a Las Vegas alley.

This is one of the latter.

And this is one of the former.


College Guff Update...

Just to keep you happy here's the rewrites of my college work. The differences are subtle but I agree with my tutor that shortening some of the sentences adds to the quality of the writing.

The original passages can be found by clicking here.



The nursery was filled with toys of all shapes and sizes. A large rainbow mural was painted on the sky blue walls. A half finished puzzle lay on the floor. A shining metal robot was catching the rays of the morning sun that streamed through the bay windows. A child of unknown age was playing in the large walled garden. Screams and whoops of joy carried on the wind.

The air in most of the rooms of the house was so cold anyone going in them would be able to see their breath. Not that anyone ever went in them. The heating worked but it cost too much so Margaret-Anne mostly lived in the heated room above the kitchens of the hotel below.
Her only company these days was the mouldy furred feline that was known as “Mrs Snookums” and the television presenters that she talked to occasionally. Long gone were the endless parties of her youth when she was the focal point of many village gatherings where her dance card was never empty.

They called it The Bends. It was nothing more than an abandoned railway station to the local adults but to us kids it was the only place to hang out. There was an old bridge to shelter under when it rained and plenty of places to hide the cigarettes you couldn‘t take home because of nosey brothers, sisters or parents. At weekends there was cider and cheap vodka and anyone could get a hold of weed if they asked the right people.
Not everyone that went there went for the drinking and smoking; some simply went because there was nowhere else to go. The community centre had been closed by the council for health and safety reasons and the village hall was where pensioners played 10p bingo and chased the dream of winning the raffle.

The slats of the blinds that hung over the windows created a disconcerting effect to anyone who entered. The large antique desk, with its heavily polished wood and well worn green leather inlay, was also a formidable barrier between the bank manager and anyone who was called into the office.
The surroundings were only softened by the bank manager himself. He was a portly man with a slightly receding hairline and a jolly demeanour that always shone through the well cut suits that he wore.

The small villa, with its picturesque views over the bay, was the perfect place to forget. It immediately felt like the kind of place where she could empty her mind and not spend her time thinking of him. Within minutes of the taxi dropping her off her memory had stopped tormenting her and a sense of calm flowed through her.
The knowledge of his indiscretion was still in her mind but the sound of the waves lapping on the shore beat back the little voice with their gentle susurration. This was surely somewhere she could centre herself and think about her future.


Sophia sat on the balcony, drinking a cup of jasmine tea and watching the large rollers make their way towards the shore. It had been two months since she first arrived but the pain was still as fresh in her mind as it had been the moment she had found out about Simon and his secretary.
Sheltered from the baking sun beneath the overhang of the balcony roof she pondered how she had arrived at this point in her life.
After leaving high school with very few qualifications she realised that a good education was the key to a better life and had enrolled in college where she took a course in economics and accounting. Working two jobs to pay for her education had been difficult but nowhere near as difficult as putting up with the harassment from her manager.


POV 1. Mother.

The letter from the school was the standard kind, typed, but with names written in black biro. “Dear Miss Sommers,” It read. “Please can you attend school next Monday to discuss Your son.”
I spoke to Sean as soon as he came home that night but he claimed that he knew nothing about it. I didn’t believe him. Sean was a “troubled child” according to the school psychologist who spoke to Sean after my husband and I split up.
I was worried that maybe Sean had gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd and had stumbled into drug use or had taken to drinking cheap cider down at the bends with the local teenage tearaways. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

POV 2. Son.

I hadn’t been in the house five seconds when The Gorgon balled up the stairs that she wanted to talk to me. I balled for her to go and fuck herself but she didn’t take the hint. It turned out she’d got a letter from my school asking her to come in to see the teacher about something.
I lay awake all night trying to figure out what the school wanted to see the Wicked Witch of the West for but I couldn’t think what it was about. Christ only knew what it was about, and he wasn’t talking.

POV 3. Teacher.

It was clear from early on that Sean hadn’t taken the divorce of his parents well. He retreated into his shell and became more introverted than he had been before the split of Judie and Brian.
Sean was a bright enough kid, he just needed a bit of guidance when it came to what he wanted to do when he left school. He and I had spoken and he voiced the fear that he had no idea what he wanted to do for a career.
I asked what he was interested in and found out that he’d always been interested in drama. I made a few enquiries, pulled a few strings, asked a favour of an old friend from teacher training college and managed to get him a place at a drama school in London. I wasn’t sure what Judie's reaction would be, given that I could be considered to be interfering. To my surprise she leapt out of her seat and hugged me. Sean was as delighted as she was.



The butterflies in his stomach had initially bearable but now, with less than ten until they were due to meet, they had joined the red arrows and were practising their loop the loops. His heart seemed like it was trying to make a break for freedom and his palms were damp and sticky.
He was puzzled as to why he felt so anxious about meeting her, they had known each other since they were children. Perhaps it was because this was the first time they were going out on “a date.” Sure, they met up for drinks on occasion and had a regular movie night where they stocked up on junk food and spent the night watching old classics but they had never been romantically inclined towards each other. Until now anyway.
His mother had been ecstatic when he let it slip that they were going out on a date. She had always harboured a not-so-secret desire that they would one day marry and provide her with grandchildren to dote over. His father hadn’t been quite so pleased.
When his father was younger he had dated her mother. He never got much further than hurried kisses in the chummy seats of the old picture house, itself derelict and crumbling like his fathers hopes and dreams.
He could see the heartache hidden in his fathers eyes whenever her mother came over to visit and was determined that this would never be a look he would adopt. So he took the chance and asked her to meet him here.


She felt old. Her baby boy was a man now with children of his own and a new job far away. It seemed like only yesterday that she was bathing him, changing his nappy and kissing his scuffed knees better. Now though, sitting with a cold coffee in her hand she tried to think of something to say to let him know she was never more than a phone call away.
Deep in her heart though she knew he was too stubborn to accept advice of any kind and if things did go wrong with his new job he would quickly and quietly deal with it without her help. He was his fathers son in that respect.
Her husband John had died many years ago in an accident at the factory where he worked as a sheet metal worker. Whenever she looked at her son she was reminded of him. Right now in this moment she felt as though she was saying goodbye to him all over again. The only difference as she saw it was that this time the container taking her loved one away wasn’t a coffin but an aircraft.
A static laden voice announced over the tannoy that his flight was delayed. For the first time in her life she was grateful to the French.


Ye Cannae Change the Laws of Physics...

A body that is in motion will keep moving in a straight line
unless some outside force causes it to change direction.
Sir Isaac Newton.

I'm all out of kilter this morning.
My head is fuggy.
Clear thoughts are hard to get a hold of.

What has caused this?

Dreams of loves long lost.
Dreams where one can touch but not feel.
The slightest touch threw me off course.

I awake and connect to the machine.
Nothing found.

Why now?

Some unconcious need?
A subliminal desire?
A trick of the mind.

Things I want to do on my holibobs.

This is a growing list of things I associate with the USA and would like to do while in Florida.

Whether I manage them or not is another thing.

  • Wrestle a Gator.
  • Go to the ghetto.
  • Attend a baseball game.
  • Watch CNN for 12 hours straight.
  • Attend a Gospel Church.
  • Visit a mall.
  • Do a drive by.*
  • Sample Moonshine.
  • See a Tornado.
  • Visit a trailer park.
  • Watch the Shuttle Launch.

Should any of you lot out there have any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment.

* Just kidding.


Attention Florida!

Lock up your livestock, the Douglas Clan is coming...

That's right kids, in less than three weeks time I shall be winging my way to Florida for three weeks of sun and fun with my family.

Should any of you feel like giving up some of your time to show me around, please drop me a line.