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This message is brought to you by Pepto Bismol - The perfect gift for boxing day.

So, Christmas has come and gone, Santa has hung up his work uniform and has contributed to the rising levels of unemployment amongst midgets and elves and Mrs Claus has resigned herself to the fact that he now has to put up with her fat cunt of a husband sitting on the couch for the next 335 days where he will drink heavily and rant at how it's all the fault of the Jews...

Which is tragic really, when you think about it. The poor bugger only wanted a wee part time job to get him out the house and thought that the idea of Christmas wouldn't last much longer than a couple of years. Little did he know that as soon as he'd got his feet under the table (a house was one of the perks of the job) of the cottage in Lapland the Boys from head office appeared and turned it all upside down...

Gone were the handmade wooden soldiers (for the boys) and the handmade wooden dolls (for the girls) and in came the production lines, health and safety, time and motion studies and unpaid overtime for people under the height of 4'6". From that day forward Santa was been stuck in a job he hates but can't quit because he'd lose the pension and the heath plan. (Mrs Claus has terrible arthritis due to the cold.)

Because of this Santa has became bitter and twisted.

In the early years of Christmas all the people of the earth got a gift upon the day of Jesus's birth and all was well in the world. Muslims, Jews, buddhists and non believers were treated equally and no one complained. This lasted for about 60 years. Then Santa turned nasty...

"Fuck these people!" Yelled Santa one day after a particularly long session on the sauce. "They'll wish they were never born when I'm done with Christmas!" He ranted. Thus began his downward spiral. Gone were the days of gifts for all faiths, never more were the naughty children treated the same as well behaved children and God help anyone who didn't leave cookies and milk for Santa and a carrot for the reindeer.

In the early days of his breakdown Santa was occasionally known to make stool on the floor of the house of anyone who dared not to leave full cream milk and chocolate chip cookies. The boys from the office soon stopped that though when they threatened to give Santa the "Heave-ho-ho-ho" (The boys from the office were humourless, soulless pricks and thought this was funny. It isn't. Only a simpleton [or a traffic warden] would think that was worth a laugh and not a groan.) for punching Rudolph the reindeer on the nose, causing an unreversable reddening of his nose...

And that is the story of Christmas that isn't much told these days. The church has tried to ban its teaching and there is a papal order to "Neutralize" anyone who tells it. I'll be fine though because the papacy and I have recently reached an agreement. They'll leave me alone if I stop sending my followers to punch the pope...

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Journalist? Schmournalist...

From Robert K
Date 28 November 2009 22:16
Subject ~ blog
Signed by

Im a freelance reporter investigating various online scams, particularly relating to online classified sites. My question relates to your last blog post. Where did you see this add? I assume Gumtree and what section was this add posted in? Can you send me the full corosponance. I would be happy to plug your blog.



From Ross Douglas
To Robert K
Date 1 December 2009 16:07
Subject Re: blog

Hey there Robert,

Can I call you Robbie? How about Rob? Bob maybe? Perhaps I can call you Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?

So, you're a freelance reporter are you? I guess you're mostly employed by such venerable news outlets as the Daily Sport and the Sun... You have as much of a grasp on punctuation and spelling as one of the barely educated monkeys that read those rags.

Fuck me dude, "I'm" has an apostrophe in it (It's a simple contraction, take two words, shove 'em together and add an apostrophe) and correspondence is not spelled that way either.

Anyhoo, I've not got time to sit here and teach you the skills you should have in order to further your career I've got bigger fish to fry, being as I am, in the middle of rewriting the basic rights and laws of society so that the average man gets a fair shout at life. Please don't worry though, you'll not be affected. You're way below average.

Mahalo Boo Boo Kitty Fuck,


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