It was him or me...

I awoke this morning to the sound of birds twittering in the early morning light. I scratched my balls, stretched my arms, rolled out of bed and took a look out the window to see what kind of day it was. The sun was rising over the top of the buildings behind mine and the low clouds looked like they would burn off soon enough.

As I glanced downwards into my back garden I saw what seemed to be a giant bunny rabbit carrying a basket of chocolate eggs. I rubbed my eyes, fearing that I was still stoned from the massive hashish bender I had went on the previous night, and looked again.

Sure enough there was a large white rabbit attempting to climb the fence leading from my garden into my neighbours garden. I pulled open the window and leaned out. "OI! Thumper, what the fuck do you think you're playing at?" I yelled.

The rabbit looked up at me and doubled it's effort to scale the fence. (Not an easy job when you're a six foot bunny rabbit wearing a frilly bonnet and matching frilly Gingham apron.) I pulled on my jeans and boots and ran down the stairs.

When I pulled open the back door the giant bunny rabbit stopped trying to climb the fence and turned towards me. I could see fear in it's eyes and I wondered where things were going to lead.

My mind flashed back to my first ever proper job...

I worked in a pet shop doing all the menial tasks; Such as cleaning out the cages of the animals, lifting large bags of pet food around, making cups of coffee and generally being the dogsbody. I'd had a rabbit hutch to clean out and the occupant of the hutch took offense at me for attempting such a thing. It kicked, bit and scratched the hell out of my hands and arms before I decided to let the bastard sit in it's own shit if it wanted to...

"Deja-Vu?" Said the giant bunny rabbit, as it placed it's basket of chocolate eggs gently on the ground. It's red eyes burning into mine.
"What?" I asked, somewhat confused.
"You don't recognise me? Look past the exterior and see your enemy within." It said.

My mind suddenly sparked and I recognised the look of the angry rabbit from many years ago.

"But it can't be you... You were never sold so the owner drowned you in a fishtank after the shop had closed one night." I said.
"You may have seen me drown but my spirit lived on. And now we meet again." The bunny rabbit said.

The bunny rabbit leaped at me with it's teeth exposed and it's claws raised in anger. The shit had officially hit the fan.

I ducked under the leaping rabbit and kicked out at its belly as it flew over me. My foot caught the rabbit perfectly and it let out a pained noise as it attempted to roll with the kick. It skidded along the grass and clanged against the iron post used to suspend the washing line. I leaped at the rabbit and began punching it in the head before it had a chance to regain its senses.

As I rained blow after blow onto its head it attempted to defend itself by putting its front paws up to its face like a boxer. They were useless. I'd gained the upperhand because of its momentary lapse of its senses and it was all over bar the bunny conceding defeat.

"No more." It moaned. I stopped punching and asked if it had had enough. "Yes... I surrender." It said. I looked at what I'd made of it's face in the short time. It's eyes were beginning to swell and its mouth was a bloody mess. There were specks of blood on its Gingham apron and down the front of it's gut, it's fluffy bonnet had been knocked off and it's chest laboured in an attempt to get its breath back.

I stood up and held out my hand to help the bunny rabbit up. It took my hand in its paw and stood up shakily. I turned around and walked towards where the bunny had left its basket of chocolate eggs. I picked up the basket and turned to give it to the defeated bunny.

The bunny was holding a small chocolate egg in its paw. "Rot in hell!" It exclaimed as it threw the egg towards me. I sensed that the small chocolate egg flying through the air was not a gift that I would appreciate and realised that it was probably some kind of explosive device that Jesus gives the Easter Bunny in order to continue his sect, oops, I mean cult, nope sorry, religion. (Jesus, as we all know, carries an Uzi machine pistol these days. It's a tough world out there.)

I spun quickly on my heels and used the basket of chocolate eggs in my hand to launch the small detonator egg back at the Easter Bunny. "Oh Fu..." It managed to say, before the small egg flew into its mouth stifling its speech. The detonator egg exploded and the Easter Bunny's head turned to a fine mist of red. Its body crumpled at the knees and dropped to the floor like 300lb's of wet clothes.

I looked around to see if any of my neighbours had heard the explosion and were looking out of their windows to see what had happened. None were visible. I immediately knew I had a problem on my hands. There I was standing in my back garden holding a rather incriminating basket of Easter eggs while the even more incriminating headless body of the Easter Bunny lay cooling a few feet away.

I dropped the basket and threw myself into action. A quick raid of a neighbours shed provided a spade and a roll of black bin liners. "Just the job." I thought, as I grabbed them and made my way back to the body of the Easter Bunny. I quickly pulled a large roll of bin liners off of the roll and covered the corpse as best I could. Being seen by a neighbour digging a hole to put a black bin liner into can be explained away with the good old fashioned "It's a time capsule, I'm going to dig it up in ten years time" excuse. Being seen by a neighbour burying the corpse of the Easter Bunny is a harder task.

I dug a five foot deep hole 4 and a 1/2' wide by 4' long and dragged the body over to it, doing my best to keep the body covered as much as possible, and dropped it into the makeshift grave. For a second the grave of the great General Itsy caught my eye and I wondered just how many Fairy characters I was destined to bury in my life.

I covered the body of the Easter Bunny with the earth I had dug out of the hole and stamped it down as best I could. There was no time for a formal ceremony as I didn't want to be seen in the early morning light performing a ritual to The Grand Whazoo freaking a casual observer into calling in the law... "Send someone quick, he's dancing naked covered in what looks like chocolate and shooting Cadburys Creme Eggs into the air with a catapult."

I threw the spade, and what was left of the roll of bin liners, into the neighbours' shed, grabbed the basket of eggs and beat a hasty retreat to my flat. I dumped the basket of eggs into the cupboard at the end of my hall and locked the door. If the police came knocking I'd tell them there wasn't a key and door hadn't been unlocked since the day I moved in.

Later, when the sun had made it's way across the sky to return tomorrow, I went into my garden once more and gave the Easter Bunny a burial ceremony to shake the seat of The Grand Whazoo.

Once more my final cry into the night was...

"WHY?"