A couple of days ago I woke up and decided to go into the town center of Edinburgh and get some reading material. And no I do not mean porn you filthy minded swine.
After getting the bus into town I went into Waterstones and got...

Dude! Wheres my country. Michael Moore.
To kill a mocking-bird. Harper Lee.
The book of tells. Peter Collet.
Join Me! Danny Wallace.
A short history of everything. Bill Bryson.
Spike Milligans Biography.

Left the bookshop and went into burger king for some food then went to Princes street gardens and sat on the grass.
Closed my eyes for a short time and unwillingly fell asleep.
I was awoken by a Japanese tourist about two hours later. "you burn, you burn" she was saying as she pointed at me.
"fucking hell!" I said as I looked at my arms and shoulders to discover that I was indeed burned. quite badly as I am fair skinned and have always been easy to burn. in fact if you were to show me a picture of the sun I'd begin to burn.
So at the moment I look like a madman has been let loose on me with a can of red spray paint but decided only to do the front of my arms and the sides of my shoulders.

I Awoke the next day feeling like I had on a suit of clothes which was three sizes too small. I actually let out an audible yelp when I tried to sit up.
There was a knock at the front door. it was my sister. "Oh my god Ross, how did you get that badly burned?" she asked.
"From sitting indoors" I Said.
"Really?" she asked somewhat puzzled.
"Don't be fucking stupid. I fell asleep in the sun" I said walking into the livingroom all the while trying not to move my arms more than a millimeter.
"Can you come to the DIY store with me, I need to get some things for the kids rooms." she asked.
"As long as I don't have to lift anything or move my arms excessively sure." I said as I threw on some jeans and a shirt, grabbed my house keys and ciggys and pulled on my sneaks.
We arrived at the DIY shop and spent about ten minutes picking up lampshades, toy boxes and other stuff for the kids rooms.
"Can you see anyone around that works here?" my sister said.
"No, but they are easy to get a hold of. watch this." I said cupping my hands around my mouth. "FUCK! FUCK, DAMN AND BASTARD!" I Yelled at the top of my voice and was rewarded by an assistant coming running down the aisle looking very panicky.
"Excuse me sir but would you mind keeping the language to a respectable tone?" he said.
"Fucking certainly" I said smiling, "There you go sis."
"Ermmm, Thanks I think." she said and proceeded to ask the assistant if they were able to mix paint to a specified colour. he said that they could and that the machine was three aisles down.
We walked to the correct aisle and found another assistant standing next to the paint mixing machine. "Can I help you?" he said as he stood staring at my sisters chest in a way normally reserved for her husband.
"Hey, cuntface" I said, "eyes, UP."
realizing he had been caught he apologized and made an excuse about being in a day dream.
"Really. normally people have those kinds of dreams at night" I said and stared at him in such a way that he knew I was watching him.
"What can I help you with?" he said meekly.
My sister explained what she wanted as I stood there feeling like a total arsehole and the assistant tried to stifle his laughter.

She asked him if she could have three tins of paint matched to the colour of my arms.

BITCH.