For the first time in a long time...

I was up at 8am and out of the house before the postman had arrived.

Mind you, I could lie in my bed until 4pm and still be up before the postman arrives. What is it with the post office these days? When I was a kid you could pretty much guarantee that the post would hit your floor before you had had your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Anyhoo, the reason I was up at such an ungodly hour was that I had to go and sign on. Yes that's right, I signed on the dotted line and declared I was still available for work and was more than willing to look for a job.

The dude at the dole shouted my name and I stepped into the cubicle and was asked if I had been looking for work. I was tempted to tell him that I had been too busy navel gazing but resisted as he didn't look the type to laugh. I signed my name to the little piece of paper and promptly got the fuck out of there before the oppressive mood of the place sucked my spirit from my soul.

It's that kind of place. The dregs of society hang around outside the building like a pack of intellectually challenged monkeys. You get the distinct feeling that if one of them were to stumble the others would be on them in a second. Eat the weak is one of their central tenets. The only things that would be left is a pile of bones with the marrow sucked from them.

fortunately I am safe from the droogs. I grew up around these animals and know how to deal with them. Show them a shiny object and they are transfixed. A 5p coin thrown in the opposite direction to which you want to run usually works.

If you have no shiny objects then you can always resort to the tried and tested diversion of saying "Would you look at the size of that motherfucker." As you point your finger in the opposite direction to which they are looking. Failing that you can always resort to wit.

A well constructed witticism will often cause total mental breakdown in these kinds of people so please remember to use this tactic only when you are cornered. After all, you could be faced with a charge of murder if the brain of your would be attackers haemorrhages, trying to figure out what you meant when you verbally defended yourself, and ends their life.