Phrases you never hear...

• "Right after I've done the dishes I'm going to circumcise myself with a butter knife."
• "I'll be right with you when I've finished burying the corpse."
• "One day I'm going to marry that skanky, aids infected, syphilitic whore."
• "If I said I loved you would you shit in a bag and let me take it home with me?"
• "I honestly think that the rules should be changed to allow George W Bush to serve another term in office."
  
• "I love you so much I'd let you touch me like the scout master did."
• "I find that the worst thing about sleeping with the dead is digging them up."
• "Do whatever you want to the Women and Children, just leave me alone!"
• "Anna Nicole Smith was one of the finest actresses ever seen."

More will be added as I think of them, or feel free to add your own in the comments.