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There's nothing quite like...

Drinking too much to knock hell out of your body.

I found this out (Again...) on Saturday morning after spending almost £80 on alcohol at Gorgie Mills Bowling Club on Friday night. (Four 35ml spirits and accompanying mixers was less than £5 so I know I must have tanked a fair old amount of booze during the evening.)

The reason for my darkening the doorstep of a bowling club was that it was Jenny's sister Gill's 30th birthday and I'd been invited along.

I did give give serious consideration to not going as I was afraid that I'd be spotted by members of my former workplace and they'd hound me out the building and chase me down the street for having the gall to say that the place was run in a less than efficient manner.

I was under strict instructions from Jenny that if I didn't show my life wouldn't be worth living if I let her down so I popped on my finest Hawaiian shirt and off I went.

Gill looked stunning (As she always does... I've fancied her ever since I first clapped eyes on her when she attended a cabaret in a red dress that would make Chris De Burg tear up his lyric book, recall every copy of "Lady in Red" and move to a small island somewhere.) dressed up as a can-can dancer complete with garter belt and a smile that could easily convince me to do anything she asked of me.

I, of course, began the night by throwing as much drink down my throat as was humanly possible in a space of time that would cause the average alcoholic to pass me an invite to their next AA meeting. (The first round was a double rum and coke immediately followed by a second double rum and coke chased with a shot of Aftershock.)

Within an hour I had abandoned the short glasses for a pint glass of rum and coke and was drinking like alcohol was being banned by the government at midnight. After that things got a bit hazy to say the least.

Amongst the things I do remember...
  • Asking Jenny what the fuck Gill saw in the human hamburger.
  • Arguing with a senior citizen about Muslims and followers of Islam (His view on the subject was that they should all be shot, my reply was to tell him he was a "Stupid old cunt" and if I had my way he'd be the first against the wall closely followed by his family and friends.)
  • Screaming at Jenny "Women are as deep as puddles, Men are idiots and we're all doomed!" after a philosophical discussion on what women see in people who's IQ is significantly lower than that of a steak sandwich.
  • Attempting to hump the leg of an old friend. (Just to see his reaction.)
  • Drinking a pint of Malibu and coke and two pints of Smirnoff Ice mixed with Orange Bacardi breezer and blue WKD in the space of three minutes as no-one else wanted them.
  • Yelling at the top of my lungs in the street as the club emptied "I do not have a wee fat cock!" at Jenny.
  • Falling flat on my arse after taking a short cut along a muddy, dark path and laughing hysterically at the situation I was in.
  • Having a heated argument with someone on the other side of the riverbank who was attempting to get me to keep the noise down.
  • Collapsing in a heap in the public park around the corner from my house.
  • Being awoken in the park by someone walking their dog at 3am.
  • Telling a lamppost that I despaired for humanity in a conversation that lasted for about fifteen minutes.
  • Waking up on the hall floor of my house at 6am in a shape that shouldn't really be possible for a human being to get into. (I'd somehow managed to contort myself into something resembling the shape of a pretzel.)
  • Almost destroying the bathroom after attempting to use the shower curtain as an aid to keep me upright.
  • Arguing with the aforementioned shower curtain for not being more supportive in my hour of need.
The following day I lay in my bed until at least 5pm with the curtains drawn and a pillow over my head in a vain attempt to make the pounding headache go away.


cupcake said...

Ross, Good to see you were not acting out a scene from the movie "Unfaithful" much like someone else I know who did this weekend. Also great that you did not end up being fondled on top of a table at a bar after hours, which was caught on video like someone else I know who did this weekend. Good times. Although, your many conversations with inanimate objects concern me...

jenny said...

I have just wet my pants laughing. That is the funniest thing I have read in ages. More so perhaps because I can see you in your shirt, shorts and baseball boots actually chatting to the lampost and the shower curtain. My sides are aching with laughing so hard.

I just love you!

Graham said...

I'm glad you're getting back into the swing of things...that's what you call a night out...

Shesabigstar said...

Easy, Miss Cupcake. So I may have been acting out a scene from 'Unfaithful' but at least I wasn't starring on film, like someone I know!!

Ross, you are hysterical. And I've so done that shower curtain thing...only I was sober. It sucks.

Staying in bed til 5pm...I think you and Cupcake have a lot in common!

Ross Douglas said...

Having never seen the movie "unfaithful" I have no idea what you mean. Also the chances of me being fondled on top of anything are slim to non existant. (The last time I was fondled it was by a policeman who was trying to discover where I lived so he could tell the taxi driver where to take me as I was to drunk to talk.)

I'd forgotten about almost falling arse over tit onto the bowling green. Maybe that's the reason my lower back is killing me.

G Dawg,
My motto is "There's no point in drinking if you're not going to get shitfaced."

(Whisper) Bigstar,
What do you reckon my chances are of lying in bed until 5pm with miss cupcake?

Shesabigstar said...

Ross, she was actually referring to me when she was referring to the movie 'Unfaithful.' If you just know the title of the movie, you can probably figure it out! Although, I wasn't the one being unfaithful!

(Shhhh, now whispering) I'll let you in on a little secret, but don't tell anyone. If you play with Cupcakes hair, I'm CERTAIN that your chances will improve dramatically! (we both actually share this in common, hence the whole 'Unfaithful' scenario!)

Ross Douglas said...

Using my Sherlock Holmes like powers of deduction I have come to the conclusion that you were engaged in an episode of wanton lust with a married man. (Go for it is what I say.)

(Whispering) Thanks for the tip. Now if you'd be so kind as to send me some of Cupcakes hair I'll dedicate some time to playing with it. (Does her hair know how to play chess?)

Shesabigstar said...

Well're a great detective and that's all I have to say about that!!

Not sure that playing chess would do the trick, but maybe. It's worth a shot!

Wreckless said...

So, just another ordinary day in the life of Ross... oh, well, as long as it was fun...


cupcake said...

Why do I feel a conspiracy here? The lying in bed until 4 p.m. happened once, for the record.

Second, Ross, You need to see "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane, but only watch until the hallway scene. Then turn it off. You will not be disappointed.

BigStar, "classy" with a capital K. So much for keeping quite about our hair playing secret or your rendez-vous. Can't take you anywhere!!!

cupcake said...


lesley said...

hahaha!! now there's the Ross I know and love!!