Gaelic...

Language of the drunk...

Casuggleahey, cahuggleashah and welcome to this post. Which is coming to you partly in Gaelic. Well, not really, I'm making it up as I go but fuck it, when did you expect any different? Never; Or, as you'd say in Gaelic, Awooglyshoogledy.

Sheronykin andubist Ross and I will be your hiyost for the entire length of this piyost... Damn this language is easy. It really is a proggle of piss... Which will deal largely with the history of the Gaels and the evolution of the language.

Gaelic was originally a language that was spoken in the regions of the world now known as Indochina and was brought to Scotland by a man named Angus Hong in the year AD1800. Angus was thought to have been a missionary who left Indochina to teach the Scottish people how to make wicker baskets to hold cheese and other assorted dairy products.

(Some of these baskets can still be seen if you pay a visit to The Scottish Museum of Natural History which is located at 1 High Street, John O Groats. Just ask for Shuggie McNightwatchman at the pub and he'll give you the keys.)

After an arduous crossing, in a boat made entirely of wicker, Angus finally hit land in what is now the border town of Melrose.

According to ancient records the locals are said to have welcomed Angus by bringing him gifts of an early form of tupperware, a kilt made of nettles, a gallon of honey and a freshly captured Haggis which was then slaughtered for the feast of "making the tourist welcome." a tradition which is sadly no longer as the Haggis was hunted to extinction in 1944. (Due to war rations locals killed Haggi as an addition to the low rations given by the government.)

Angus is said to have introduced himself to the locals by speaking to them in Gaelic. (The locals spoke only Jockenese.) Over time Angus managed to teach the locals how to speak his language and in return the locals fed and housed him and brought him regular copies of Punch magazine and the Financial times.

Angus was a father of 15. (3 boys 9 girls 1 hermaphrodite and two sheep.) Most of whom took on the mission their father had set them on his deathbed that they should spread the Gaelic language to the two corners of the globe.

Thus over the next few hundred years the Scots adopted this language as their own, dropping the previous way of communicating which was a simple series of grunts, punches to different body parts and occasionally a roundhouse kick to the forehead. (The roundhouse kick to the forehead is thought to have meant "I wish to rape your sheep.")

Angus is thought to have died after an accident with a primitive version of a George Foreman grill and a faulty rewire in the year AD1847. (Some sources claim this is an impossibility as the local firm hired to do the rewire was a well established family company. Other sources claim that Angus was killed in a fit of jealousy by an enraged ram.)

Angus' language however lives on in Scotland during the hours of 1AM and 4:30AM every Saturday night in Wishaw.