Until yesterday...

The largest spider I'd ever seen was during my trip to South Africa.

Compared to the average British spider the South African spider was a monster. I kid you not it's legs were as thick as a baby's finger and I could see my reflection in it's eyes. All eight of them. It freaked me for a second or two, looking at this beast of a spider, but I knew it was safe enough as Steve had informed me so.

Yesterday, however, I saw a spider that made it's South African relation look like a money spider.

To say that this spider was big would be an understatement. I kid you not, it was fucking huge. I'd just got up from my chair to go to the toilet to relieve my bladder and I spotted something moving in the hallway. For a second I thought it was a trick of the light or a figment of my imagination. Until I took another step towards it and it twitched.

I stooped over to take a closer look at what had moved. I noticed it was a spider and leaped back like a man who's just spotted a live handgrenade lying at his feet. "WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled as I shot backwards down my hallway to get to the light switch. I flicked the switch for the light and the bulb popped. This gave me a second fright and I bolted for the livingroom.

I grabbed my lighter and a can of deodorant so I could barbecue the bastard where it sat. I walked back towards the hall and poked my head around the door. The spider was nowhere to be seen. I lit my lighter and sprayed a burst of deodorant through the flame. The resulting flame lit up the hallway for a few seconds and I spotted movement.

The spider was rearing up on it's back legs and was pawing at the air in front of itself. "You're history fuckwit." I thought to myself, and prepared myself for attack mode. I hit the button on top of the deodorant again and lit the spray. The spider was moving towards me. I aimed the flame in it's direction and took a step closer to the spider.

At this point the spider did something I have never seen a native British spider do. It leapt upwards. Directly towards me. My mind reeled for a few seconds and I burned the top of my fingers that were holding the lighter in the optimum position to set the deodorant aflame.

There was no going back now. Time slowed and the spider and I went into bullet time. The spider dropped to the floor. I had caught it with the end of the foot long flame and the spider had obviously felt the heat as it began to make a break for it and headed towards the bottom of the hall cupboard door.

"You're not getting away that easy, fucker." I said, leaping at the spider.

I swear to God I could hear the spiders footsteps as it fled for the safety of its damp and dark cupboard. "If it makes it into there I'll never find the fucker." I thought. I jumped at the spider with the flaming deodorant spray aimed in its direction.

The spider was about two and a half inches, about body length, away from the crack at the bottom of the hall cupboard door. I slid along the hall floor on my stomach and gave the eight legged freak the full force of the flaming deodorant.

I let the flame shoot out of the deodorant can until the last possible second. The plastic top of the deodorant was on fire and I figured that if I kept the button depressed for much longer there was a chance that the gas contained inside the can would ignite and blow my hand off. I released the button and blew out the flaming diffuser.

I checked the surrounding area for "hostiles" and saw none. I realised I was now in a dark hallway and there was one pissed off spider somewhere close by. I leapt up and hit the lightswitch for the toilet. Light shone into the hallway and I looked around again to see if the spider had moved around behind me or was attempting to flank me.

I saw no movement anywhere within striking distance and grabbed the handle to the cupboard door. I pulled the cupboard open and shot a flame of deodorant at the floor just in case the spider was smart and knew that that was when I was most vulnerable to a surprise attack. I let the deodorant flame go out and scanned the cupboard.

I couldn't see the spider anywhere.

So now I'm faced with the possibility that it is lying in wait somewhere nursing it's wounds and plotting its revenge on me... Looks like I'm in for another long night of sentry duty.

Wish me luck.