667... The neighbor of the beast.

Today was a spectacular day in the life and times of our hero, the Right Honorable Dr Ross Douglas (B.n.g A.o.h) Monsters were battled with and slain, maidens fair swooned at his feet and the Powers That Be were dealt a blow from which they may never recover.

Thanks to the author of this blog knowing our Hero on a personal level there now follows a description of the day through his eyes...

The sun streamed through my bedroom and woke me. A quick glance at the digital clock informed me it was 11:23 and I dragged my body into an upright position. I coughed and cleared the lump of guff from the top of my lungs and reached for my cigarettes.

I staggered through to the toilet and took a piss as I lit my first cigarette of the day. I shook the dribbles from my dick and took a look at myself in the mirror. The Little Voice that resides in my head spoke to me. "You really should finish cleaning the house you know." It said.

"FUCK OFF!" I screamed at my reflection, hoping that the Little Voice would take the hint and leave me alone. "Why do you have to bother me all the time?" I said with a plaintive tone to my voice.

"Because I'm your Little Voice, I'm the one who forces you to question things, I'm The One. The Soul, The Spirit... In other words, I'm GOD." Said the voice in my head.

Somehow it didn't seem so little anymore.

"Oh fuck off." I said to my reflection, dragging my eyes away from the mirror before the Little Voice attempted to continue the conversation.

I walked into the livingroom and put on some clothes. As I pulled my shirt on the Little Voice sprung up again. "You do know I'm omnipresent don't you?" It said. "YES, I KNOW YOU'RE OMNIPRESENT BUT I'M THE DRIVER OF THIS BUS! SO FUCK OFF!" I screamed, angrily.

"Jeez, if you're gonna be like that I'm leaving." Said the Little Voice, with a tone similar to that of a friend that you have just offended. "Look, I didn't mean to upset you..." I said. "Don't you have somewhere you could go so I can have some "Me" time?" I asked.

"Well, there is a tribe in South America I've wanted to free from oppression for a while now. Nice people, they just have issues with dealing with the more violent part of revolution. They keep getting to the point of overturning the local armed gang and then it all goes tits up because none of them is able to stove in the skull of the gang leader without questioning if killing is against God."

"And is it?" I asked the Little Voice.

"Not when the intention is to free those who are unable to free themselves. But you shouldn't really be asking it when you're standing over the gang leader with a rock in your hand and his hand is only a couple of inches from a gun." Said the Little Voice.

"So what are you going to do?" I asked.

"I think I'll go biblical on one of the tribe. Give him a vision... Enable him to see the future for his friends and family if he doesn't take control of the situation. The whole Scrooge gig. That's always been a good motivator." The Little Voice replied.

"Go do that then, I'll be fine. I'll go into town and read my book for a couple of hours." I said.

"Ok then, I'll speak to you later." Said the Little Voice. I heard it whistle the tune of Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life as it faded into the middle distance of my mind. I heard a door closing and there was silence in my head.

I switched on my stereo and put on Viva Las Vegas by The Dead Kennedy's. As the sound took over my body I danced around the livingroom singing along...

♫♪ Bah-Right light city gonna set mah soul, gonna set mah soul on Fiah. ♫♪

Twenty minutes later I was on a bus headed for Princes Street. I sat down and took my book out. (Pryor Convictions by Richard Pryor.) As I sat reading the person sitting opposite me began laughing for no apparent reason. I looked over to see what it was she was laughing at.

"Sorry." She said.
"Why?" I asked.
"I was laughing at the book you're reading." She announced.
"What's so funny about it?" I asked, thinking that she had something against Richard Pryor.
"The quote on the front." She replied.

I looked at the cover of the book and read the quote.

"Makes Jesus's life sound utterly tedious" Maxim.

"It does as well." I said. "You should read it."
"I'll keep an eye out for it." She said.

I went back to reading my book and tried to ignore the occasional snigger that came from the woman opposite me. As my stop approached I stood up and she said "Enjoy the book."

"I will. Have a good one." I said and walked down the aisle.

I got off the bus, walked into the papershop, bought a packet of Rizla and a copy of MCN and headed for Princes Street Gardens. I found a quiet spot in the park and sat down to read my book and have a few joints.

An hour and a half later the shadows had begun to cover my seating area and I decided to move somewhere better. I walked along to the Scott Monument and climbed onto the large stone steps that lead up to the plinth where Sir Walter Scott resides in statue form. I pulled my jacket off and began reading again.

I switched on my MP3 player and let the music drown out the noise of the traffic and the people. After about ten minutes of reading I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. It was a Park Warden. He said something that I didn't hear and then motioned to me to come down off the base of the monument. I pulled the earphone out of my ear and said "What?"

"You're not supposed to be up there." The warden said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I said so. Now, off!" He replied with a commanding tone to his voice.

I thought for a second. This was obviously nothing more than an attempt by him to assert his power on me. I decided that he wasn't going to get to play his little game with me. I looked at him and said... "Fuck off. I'll sit here if I want. If you want me off come up here and make me."

"I'll be back in ten minutes and if you're not off of there I'm calling the cops." He said as he began to walk away.

"Fuck off." I said, loud enough so that he could hear me.

Forty minutes later, as the sun was dipping over the top of the national gallery, there was still no sign of the park warden and having reached the end of the book I got up and walked towards the bus stop.

I got back to the house within half an hour. I rolled a joint, changed into a pair of shorts and walked into the bathroom to take a piss. I whistled as I pissed.

♫♪Always look on the bright side of life.♫♪

I Looked in the mirror and the Little Voice came back. "Had a good day?" It said.
"Great." I said. "You?"
The Little Voice replied. "Not too bad. The guy got the vision." It said.
"And will he overturn the local gang?" I asked.
"I don't know. It's up to him now. At least he'll not begin asking silly questions when he's leaning over the leader with a rock in his hand." Said the Little Voice.