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1/02/2008

Global warming.

If you are the type of person who is concerned about global warming please allow me to dispel your fears with the following screed.

Scientists tell us that the planet is getting warmer by the minute and to be fair they're probably right. They are, after all, scientists and are on the whole more informed on the subject than yours truly. And that's to be expected when you consider that I left school with an "O" level in art, a BCG and the recommendation that I prepare myself for a life of enquiring "Do you want fries with that?"

However I'd like to let you all in on something that the scientists, or more specifically the global media machine, fails to let you in on. The planet is doing just fine.

During the many millions of years it has been sliding through space, at speeds the normal human mind can't grasp, the planet has survived through ice ages that were nothing more to it than a cold is to man[1], and warm periods that were nothing more to it than a hot flush brought on by the menopause is to a woman.[2]

It has survived asteroid impacts, on land and at sea which caused fallout that would make a ten megaton nuclear explosion look like a fart in the bathtub, on a fairly regular basis and has time and time again shook it off and bounced back to normal in a relatively short space of time.

Humans, by comparison, are nothing more than a minor bug akin to a small dose of the runs caused by a piece of undercooked chicken from your local KFC restaurant. And the planet will deal with us in pretty much the same way as we deal with a case of the shits. It'll fart a couple of times, squirt us down the toilet of history and continue as per usual.

[1] Though it's more than likely that the planet never gave consideration to calling in sick.
[2] The sex of the planet is uncertain so I have made comparisons to both sexes in the name of fairness.

8 comments:

twelve_squared said...

I like the idea I'm naught more than the shits on my way to the great sewer in the sky. I like it much better than the idea that we're fucking this place up like nobody's business and our kids wont have anyplace to hang out.

*lol*

thanks, Ross... I needed the viewpoint. and the laugh.

Wreckless Euroafrican said...

See my previous comment got some reaction - good.
Now, although I like your theory, I think maybe u have it a tad wrong. As the intelligent animal on the planet, we have devised ways of ensuring that we fuck it up properly. The fact that the planet has endured what came before does not mean we cant harm it. However, I think the concern is not for the planet per se, but rather that we will, eventually, make it inhabitable for ourselves, and therein lies the problem.
Thanx for allowing me to share this with you.
Salagatle!!

said...

Ross, you're a frickin' genius and moi has no-doubt that you'll dig moi's lill' YouTube film
"Hey! Hey! We're The Humans."

[A praody of the The Monkees' television show theme]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LubuSAgB5s

Stay on (Most) groovin' safari,
Tor

Unknown said...

144,
You are more than welcome. Glad you enjoyed the view.

Max,
Truth be told I'd actually finished this post and was in the process of posting it when I noticed your remark. (Serendipity and all that.)
I would like to ask you one thing though... What makes you think we are the most intelligent animal on the planet? I've never seen a dolphin working in McDonalds and no matter how much animals defend their territory I've yet to see them arm themselves heavily and traipse halfway around the world to kill each other on a massive scale.

Tor,
Firstly, welcome to my blog, pleasure having you here.
Secondly if you are ever in the Edinburgh area please could you drop into my former school and tell my teachers old that I'm a genius.

Divemaster GranDad said...

Cuzz...sorry to tell you this, but 12 squared is not 144 (that's 12 x 12), rather 106,993,205,379,072, but then I think you knew that....

Happy New Year, and all good things for ye...

Divemaster GranDad said...

...and here I am, back to publicly apologise to Cuzzin Ross for his bad calculations, when he is actually quite correct. I miscalculated...12 squared is, indeed, 144. 12 to the power of 12, on the other hand, is my number of 106,993,205,379,072.

Sorry, Cuzz...

Unknown said...

Steve-O,
I did notice that you were in error but didn't want to be the one to tell you.
And to think that you work for a global company (we know which one) that deals with numbers a lot.
Happy new year to you and Steph also. Give my regards to your mum and dad and Martin also.

(Saw the pic angie sent to my mum of you lot on the porch at your mums. When did you turn into a porker btw.)

Divemaster GranDad said...

Cuzz...the company deals with numbers, I deal with idiots (aside from myself) and reports.

I liked the movie character Fat Bastard so much, that I decided it was a fashion statement and took it up myself. Worked okay, huh?