How to talk to your cat.

While flicking through a copy of womens weekly that a co-worker had brought in to read while she was on her break I stumbled across the craziest advert I have ever laid eyes on.

"HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CAT."

"Open up a whole new communication between you and your cat."

If you're a cat lover like me, and wish to communicate better with your pet for a deeper, more loving relationship, then you'll want to out how to talk to your cat. And that's where a new guide -"Your talking Cat" - can really help you... especially when it comes to understanding what your cat is actually saying - not just what you think she is saying.

It begins.

It goes on to make the claim that "Cats are scientifically proven to possess certain telepathic powers for reading the true mindset of a human companion." Now, I'm no scientist and I openly admit that my reading of scientific journals has been poor of late, but I'm sure if humanity had invented some sort of device that can detect telepathic ability I'm pretty sure I'd have heard about it.

Anyhoo, the advert then lists a few of the things that the book can help you read your cats body language, facial expressions and meows to decipher such things as...

• Why your cat rubs you to show affection.
• Why your cat circles in your lap before settling down.
• Why your cat blinks.
• How many different ways your cat purrs.
• How your cat sizes up your friends.
• Why your cat always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork.
• Why your cat doesn't like being stared at... yet sometimes stares at you.
• Why your cat may panic if you oversleep.
• How your cat knows when a disaster is about to take place.
• Why your cat likes to explore open pipes or even inside paper bags.
• And many, many other questions answered.
  

And all this for the price of 15.95

As I'm a believer in the free sharing of information I'm about to answer these questions for you. Not just to save you the sixteen quid but to save you from having to suffer the embarrassment of having someone see the book on your bookshelf and asking you what the fuck you were drinking, smoking or injecting when you purchased it.

So, here are the answers.

• Why your cat rubs you to show affection.

When your cat begins to rub itself against your legs when you are walking across the room it isn't to show affection... It's trying to trip you up. Cats are like that, they have a built in evil streak and love nothing more than watching you trying not to step on it's tail and falling over in the process.

• Why your cat circles in your lap before settling down.

This is also part of the evil streak that is inherent in cats. The cat knows you are friendly, because you don't like standing on it's tail and buy it a nice new catnip filled toy when you do, and it enjoys testing your ability to suffer pain. Circling around your lap while digging it's claws into your upper thigh is how cats test how far it can go before you scream in pain and hurl the furry little fucker across the room.

• Why your cat blinks.

Because it has to stop its eyeballs drying up. A cat may be agile and supple enough to be able to lick it's own arsehole but it's tongue isn't long enough to lick it's eyeballs to keep them moist or to remove dirt from them.

• How many ways your cat purrs.

The easiest way to get a cat to purr is to stroke it's back. In doing this you are simulating what happens when a tomcat mounts up and gives it one up the cathole. (If you doubt this try tickling the part of it's back just above it's tail. The tail will go up and the cat will take great pleasure in showing you it's pussy. So to speak.)

• How your catsizes up your friends.

Your cat is indifferent to people. You included. Whatever way a person treats a cat is how your cat sizes people up. In order to try this theory have two people whom the cat has never met before and have one be nice to it and one be nasty to it. You will find that the one who is nice is welcomed with affection and the one who was nasty is welcomed with sharp teeth and flying claws.

• Why your cat always seems to come over when you're reading or doing paperwork.

Because it's fucking with you. Cats are like small children in that respect. If you look like you are interested in something other than them they'll get all sulky about it and try to distract you from whatever you are doing and make you pay attention to them instead.

• Why your cat doesn't like to be stared at... yet sometimes stares at you.

Cats don't like being stared at because they are arrogant little fuckers. Staring at a cat is a challenge of their authority.

• Why your cat may panic if you oversleep.

Because when you're having a lie-in the cat is unable to open the tin of cat food.

• Why your cat knows when a disaster is about to take place.

It doesn't. Plain and simple. (Though there are occasions when the cat knows when a disaster is about to occur as it is about to become the cause of the disaster. Once again, just to fuck with you.)

• Why your cat likes exploring open pipes and paper bags.

Your cat likes to explore open pipes as they are generally where you find rats and mice. In other words, things it can fuck with. Paper bags, however, are fun to explore for cats as they rub on the cats back and cause those sexy feelings that the cat gets when you stroke it.

Should you still wish to buy this book then please remember not to let your cat see you reading it. Why? Because as soon as you sit down to read it the cat will see that you are interested in something other than itself and the following thought will pass through it's mind...

"Why isn't the food bringer paying attention to me? I'm going to go up there and dig my claws into it. Maybe it'll rub my ass and make me horny. Then I can go and lick my own cunt for an hour or so."