Housework is never done...

So why bother in the first place?

I knew I'd have to clean some of the house when I got up this morning. Well, actually, I knew I'd have to clean most of the house as it's in such a state that even the most desperate illegal immigrant, or escaped mental patient, would think twice about living in it...

The kitchen resembles the Withnail & I set... The dishes in the sink resemble the leaning tower of Pisa. The fridge is home to a lump of mouldy cheese, a jar of black olives, a pineapple and a jar of seafood sauce. The only thing that's missing is Richard E Grant ranting and raving... "There is a strange colour growing on the worktop!"

The bathroom is also a sight to behold... There are enough empty toilet roll tubes for Blue Peter to recreate the space battle from Star Wars and the crud that has gathered in the plughole of the bath is only waiting for an extra molecule of some kind to enable it with independent thought and self government.

The living-room resembles a hotel room that's been inhabited by some kind of Fear and Loathing fan hellbent on recreating his favorite scene from the movie. The detritus includes... Enough newspapers to enable you to make a copy of war and peace in the style of a ransom note. Enough pizza boxes for an arty type to make a sculpture of an armchair in an attempt to show how disinterested in quality cuisine the modern person has become in an age where we want everything Now, Not later.

I'm not even going to mention the bedroom. Suffice to say, should the pile of empty cigarette packets piled on the bedside shelf topple, I'm in danger of being killed in an avalanche.

So, I'm cleaning. Kinda. In between writing this, that is.

And the reason I'm cleaning? My mum is popping around tomorrow night and I want to avoid the whole "I didn't bring you up to live like this" lecture that she hits me with everytime she visits. It's damage limitation really. I know I'll get the lecture anyway but at least if I clean it to my standard of clean I'll have a rational argument to present to her and I may save myself the lecture at high volume.