Shoes and chocolate.

Steve and I went to the pub today to watch the FA cup final and even though the game itself was shit I rather enjoyed it. Arsenal won on penalties after 120 minutes of, at times, dull and boring football.

I spent the rest of the day reading Marian Keyes' book "Postcards from the bed."

For several years now I thought women were deep, charismatic and enigmatic beings that I would never understand but this book sheds new light upon the whole female species. They're about as deep as a paddling pool. It's all about shoes, shopping and scents. Keep them well stocked in jimmy choos, give them a gold mastercard and let the rest take care of itself. There's nothing more to it. Or that's what I think anyhoo. Perhaps one day a woman will come along and prove me wrong but for some reason I doubt it.

And that's not to say I am in some way ridiculing the female species. I'm not that stupid. Mocking women is akin to going for a swim in great white territory with a fresh cut on your leg and hoping that they'll pass up the chance of an easy meal. Women are not things that nature meant for us men to annoy. Take that from someone who has had to try to split two women up when it came to blows and the fur began to fly.

There is a deeply rooted part of the female psyche that sees all men as the enemy. If you are a man then never try to separate two women who are intent on clawing each others eyes out. Let them rip one another to shreds. It's the ONLY thing to do. If you should decide to split them up remember this lesson... YOU are the common enemy. The one thing that women hate more than each other, when differences are unresolvable, is the male of the species.

They are like praying mantis on that side of the coin bubba. Praying mantis gone mental. Praying mantis gone menstrual. Keep back if you have any sense... If not, prepare to be scratched, clawed, mauled and kicked with pointy shoes and high heels to within an inch of your life. You think one woman gone postal is a bad thing? Wait until you have two sets of eyes flash red and glare at your throat with the intent of ripping out your jugular vein. It's not a pretty sight and it may be the last thing you see.